From the Desk of Captain Awesome

Scoregasm has Scored and Gasmed this Year.

2011-12-30T11:14:00.004-06:00

You read that title correctly. I've often tried to keep my blog readers updated on the happenings of my fantasy football team, "Scoregasm." This year I elected to forgo that, as I thought it might be a jinx. Previously I had not finished higher than third, but 2011 was different. Scoregasm has won the 2011 Donkey Punches fantasy football league. Let me tell you how:

The Draft: It all started here, I usually get stuck with a shitty pick. This year, I got stuck with the ninth pick our of twelve teams. Not the worst spot, but not the best spot. I made the best of it, I took Michael Turner in the first round to open, and on my turnaround I made the best pick of the day and took Drew Brees. This pick is important as passing touchdowns are worth 6 points, not the usual 4 points in our league. I followed that up with the picks of Peyton Hillis (pictured above, and also a huge bust), and a few reaches at wide receiver that paid off. I reached and took in order for picks 4-6, Brandon Marshall, Marques Colston, and Steve Smith (Carolina). To round off my offense I took Tony Gonzalez to fill my TE spot (I was hoping Jimmy Graham would fall to me, but he was taken a few picks earlier).

I then took the New York Jets defense, and followed my picks to round out the bench with Mike Sims-Walker (dropped very early on), Willis McGahee (huge pick for a tenth rounder that put up 1000 rushing yards), Jay Cutler (who I dropped for a much better backup to be discussed later), Toby Gerhart (who I dropped and then picked up immediately after the first A.P. injury), I then took Adam Vinatieri to fill my kicker void, and then my final pick was Donald Brown.

It was a pretty solid draft, and I essentially won the season there thanks to the big years from Turner, Brees, Marshall, Colston, Smith, Gonzalez, and McGahee.

But my good moves didn't stop at the draft...

The Season: So the regular season is always full of waiver moves that help win championships. Some of mine were to keep them out of other team's possession, and then others were to fill bye week gaps, or injury holes. Here is a look at what some of those pick-ups looked like: Cam Newton, Darren Sproles, Mike Thomas, Devery Henderson, Jake Ballard, Eric Decker, and Kahlil Bell on offense, at kicker I went through Jason Hanson and finished with Mason Crosby at the kicker spot, and I also used the Tennessee Defense, and New York Giants Defense once each.

I was in position to win the top seed in our league, and had it not been for one Philip Rivers to Vincent Jackson touchdown in the regular season finale, I would have won top seed. I led the league in points, but took a few tough losses. All in all, I took the 3 seed into the playoffs...

The Playoffs: Week one of the playoffs, I faced off against Brian, a league newcomer who was carried to the playoffs by Aaron Rodgers, I tough matchup that came down to a Sunday night football game. I pulled off the win, and had to carry my success into playing the two seed. Week two of the playoffs I was matched up against M-Dub, who I'd beaten twice already in the regular season. It was a walk in the park thanks to Drew Brees. Tony Romo had started with a huge Saturday point fest when he had 250 yards and 4 touchdowns in the first half. Luckily he had a slow second half, and Drew Brees met his match with 350 of his own yards and 5 touchdowns. So I moved on to the finals.

The Finals: It was a nail-biter that came down to the Monday Night Saints-Falcons game. I had Brees, Gonzalez, and Colston going and Mike (who is now a three time finals failure) had Roddy White going. I was down by 42 points thanks to a great start from Kahlil Bell who I'd just picked up (and I'd benched Turner that week), and despite horrible starts by McGahee and S. Smith. I ended up winning by 18 points, and Drew Brees broke down Marino's record.

All in all a great fantasy season, that also happened to have the largest fantasy payout that our league has season in 6 seasons. We paid $50 per team this year, as opposed to $20. So I walked away with a title and $300. If you do the math, in the previous five seasons, I'd lost $80 (I won $20 back with a third place finish a few years ago), so that makes me up $220 after 6 years of play. Not to shabby.

Next year, Scoregasm will be back in full force looking to have a repeat performance and win the Donkey Punches Fantasy Football league. Please see the video.

A Legal Commentary on Stripping

2011-12-01T09:48:00.003-06:00

So I read an article on Above the Law recently. You can read it by clicking the link. It's actually quite interesting and right up my alley. So I thought I would comment on it.

Here is the basic rundown: Attorneys for South American drug lords in Florida have been busted using strippers to make sure their clients keep them employed. They have been flying in dancers from South America to pose as legal assistants and secretaries and entertain the incarcerated kingpins with their non-legal assets.

There are several women who find this as sexist and wrong. They don't believe it should be allowed. I disagree.

Using sex is something that our country does on a daily basis. We use sex in ads to sell products ranging from deodorant, cars, cell phones, movies, condoms (obviously), and beer. We take clients to lunch at places like Hooters (I actually do go their for the wings) and Twin Peaks (food is only so-so). We place models on cars and boats at shows and state fairs. Sex sells. There are not many statements someone can make that is truer than that.

This is just another way to have sex sell. Yes it has the potential to border on prostitution if these clients are getting a little happy ending after the "dance." But there is no risk of sex slavery, these women are paid professional dancers, as Above the Law points out.

It used to be commonplace to take important business clients to a strip club to help seal a deal, and some companies still do that. Is buying a lap dance for a potential client any different then sending a stripper to a current client to keep him happy? Not really.

As a fan of the legal system and the strip club system, I believe that no harm comes from combining the two. I mean if P.E.T.A can use sex to advocate against wearing fur, why can't attorneys use sex to maintain happy clients. Because for anyone who has worked in the legal industry, they know how rare happy clients are. I would say the percentage of happy clients to a law practice is around 17%. So you have 83% of your clients that are unhappy. Why not offer a lap-dance or two to help ensure that you stay retained by your client (especially one who is in prison, but still paying you).

So I applaud those Floridian attorneys making use of the stripping industry. If I'm ever arrested in Florida, I'll know who to call...

Money, Basketball, and the Law

2011-11-21T08:21:00.000-06:00

I wrote this article last week for the Stanley & Associates Newsletter, "Off the Record." I wanted to write something that would be relevant to anyone who reads it, and I wanted to explain what the NBA players would have to prove to win an antitrust case. The article is basically an explanation of antitrust in as simple of terms as I could make it. I hope you find it informative. You can read the original newsletter here if you'd like.

If you have any questions regarding antitrust, please feel free to email me at jlanzillo4@lanzillosportsgroup.com. Enjoy:

"This one is for all the sports fans out there. You may know that the NBA Players Union has recently elected to disband and file suit against the NBA. You may have also heard that the specific type of lawsuit filed by the players (in multiple jurisdictions) is an “Antitrust” lawsuit. But what does all of this actually mean for the league, the players, and your favorite NBA team?

An antitrust claim means essentially this: The parties being sued are accused of participating in an agreement that unreasonably restrained trade in the market. In this case, the parties being sued make up the NBA; which is a collection of the teams and owners.

The first element of the claim the plaintiffs (the NBA players) have to prove is the existence of a “market.” There are two types of markets involved in this case: output and input markets. Output markets have to do with things that generate revenue, such as the games, TV deals, and merchandise. Input markets have to do with the products themselves, which, in this case are the players and coaches.

The second part of an antitrust claim that must be proven is the anticompetitive effect that the defendant (NBA’s) actions have on the market. An example of this (taken from a Major League Baseball antitrust case) would be if all the owners got together and agreed that they would not pay any player (free agent) over a certain dollar figure. Proving the anticompetitive effect on the market can be difficult. In the case of the NBA, the players are claiming that the owners conspired to “boycott players” attempting to force them to take massive reductions in compensation.

The final piece of the antitrust suit puzzle for the NBA players is establishing that the teams who make up NBA have available to them less restrictive (less anticompetitive) alternatives.

The NBA will have the opportunity to defend these claims with procompetitive justifications. They will give an economic justification for each of the actions that the players claim to be anticompetitive. Some of these defenses will be very persuasive.

It is worth remembering that the NBA has lost antitrust suits in the past. Back in the mid 80’s, when the San Diego Clippers’s moved to Los Angeles, a court upheld a jury’s finding that requiring approval of every NBA team regarding the move of another team was an unreasonable restraint on trade.

The bottom line is that while antitrust claims are very hard to prove, the cases will often settle out of court because the stakes are very high for defendants. In this case, if the NBA looses, owners will feel the pain as damages awarded in antitrust suits are automatically tripled.

Keep an eye on our firm’s twitter feed for more updates on the NBA antitrust case."

ABA Regional Negotiation Champion

2011-11-08T15:03:00.001-06:00

Well, law schools don't have athletics. Well, kind of, I did play on a law school softball team that finished second in a tournament over the summer (I played a dynamite SS that day in 106 degree heat...but that's another story). For competition purposes, law schools have Mock Trial, Moot Court, and Dispute Resolution (Negotiation, Arbitration, and Mediation) teams.

They are teams that promote oral advocacy. Mock trial is a simulation of a trial. Moot Court is a simulation of an appeals hearing, and Dispute Resolution teams deal with before and after court issues.

Being a future super agent, being part of a Negotiation competition team just calls to me. I won a competition as a 1L that allowed me to be part of the travel team. Fall of my 2L year I finished second in intramurals (lost by 1 point). Spring of my 2L year, I traveled to Liberty Law School in Virginia to compete. That didn't go very well. Essentially, me and my teammate had the highest score through round 1, but an "ethical" violation (creating a self serving fact) cost us round 2, and advancing.

Well this past weekend, I got another shot at competing. Me and a new teammate (Danielle Huddleston) represented Texas Wesleyan School of Law in the Region 8 ABA Negotiation Competition. Region 8 consists of Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Arkansas, and Louisiana. Texas Wesleyan sent two teams. One advanced to the finals, the other did not. Obviously, if you read the title of this blog post, you know who won. My teammate and I did (You can see the picture, on my right is my teammate Danielle Huddleston, and on my left in the picture is our coach Chris Watts (Wesleyan Grad from '00, and me and my awesome beard are in the middle).

Is this a big deal? Of course. We now get to go to nationals in New Orleans in February for a chance to win back-to-back National Negotiation Titles for the school. Last year, Texas Wesleyan finished third in regionals, and were lucky to even get an invite to nationals. This year, we won an automatic invite.

What makes this an even bigger deal is that, little, ole tier-4 Texas Wesleyan dominated several major schools in our region...Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas-Little Rock, LSU, Tulsa, Baylor, SMU, and Texas Tech to name a few... All of these law schools have much better "rankings" nationwide, yet Texas Wesleyan is the defending national champion, and we now have a shot at winning two in a row. Pretty impressive for a little school in Fort Worth.

Either way, this is just another step in becoming a super agent!

What Happened to Halloween?

2011-10-31T20:27:00.000-05:00

So this year for Halloween, I actually live in a big neighborhood in Richardson with lots of kids. I know there are lots of kids because I see them every morning on their way to school, and after school they are all out playing when I'm running. I was kind of excited to do the whole give out candy for Halloween thing...But alas, that has not happened.

As of now, Holly and I's first trick-or-treater showed up around 5:45pm. We had our 6th trick-or-treater around 8pm, and well, haven't had one since. A quick check outside, and there are none to be seen on the street. To make things worse, half of the kids who were trick or treat in were wearing no costume. A couple of kids thought they were "gangsters" rocking a sweatshirt. It's disappointing really.

Should I blame kids these days for the lack of Halloween enthusiasm? I don't think so. It all comes down to shitty parenting. Parents worry about way too much shit these days. They don't let their kids do anything. We live in a generation where everyone gets a trophy, no one gets picked last (hell no one gets picked at all), and kids apparently don't get to go out on Halloween.

This new generation of parents blows. I think the current youthful generation should rise up out of their homes in a costume of their choosing and hit the house circuit to get some tasty candy.

Anyway, this current generation of parents are in fact NOT awesome. I mean I even dressed my dock up for this occasion! Zoey is ready for Halloween.

Hockey Fights Cancer

2011-10-26T15:22:00.001-05:00

So I decided to take this break of action in the World Series (thanks to a spiteful mother nature), to talk about the NHL's version of Stand up 2 Cancer. I was able to take part in the MLB SU2C promotion this past Sunday during game 4 of the World Series in Arlington. It was a pretty cool moment, and a really great cause. The NHL is also involved in something similar, and I was able to take part in that as well not too long ago while attending a Dallas Stars and St. Louis Blues hockey game.

The NHL has a version known as "Hockey Fights Cancer." The Dallas Stars held an auction where several players signed sticks during a meet and greet for the winning bidder. I decided to do my part and got in on the bidding. However I elected to bid on Ralph and Razor's ties and an opportunity to meet the award winning broadcast team of Stars TV and radio fame (see picture). It was a great opportunity, and they even put Holly and I on the post game show.

I just wanted to write this blog to give anyone interested in donating to Hockey Fights Cancer, or Stand Up 2 Cancer the opportunity.

Let's hope the rain doesn't postpone the Rangers winning game 6 again tomorrow!

What's Right with Baseball in the Fall?

2011-10-17T08:11:00.000-05:00

Everything is right with baseball in the fall. Playing baseball into the fall can only be good thing. And for the second time in their history, the Texas Rangers are playing some extremely good fall ball. Last night, when the Cardinals completed their NLCS victory, it set the stage for the 2011 Fall Classic.

The Rangers are now just four wins away from their first title. A World Series victory would complete the circle of every major sports team in Dallas/Fort Worth winning a title. The Cowboys have won multiple Super Bowls, the Stars won the 1998-99 Cup of Lord Stanley (and they're off to a hot start to this season), and the Mavericks won this past year. It is probably why Dallas/Fort Worth has been named sports city of the year.

Anyway, all I know is that Wednesday night, this lifelong Ranger fan will care of nothing else except seeing the Rangers finally complete a championship run. It's been a great two years, but this is their time to win. There are definitely a lot of things wrong with baseball in the summer, but there is nothing wrong with baseball in the fall...Wait apart from some of the worst baseball broadcasting of the year, with examples being the horrendous Joe Buck, the annoying Tim McCarver, and the stupid and annoying Buck Martinez. Anyway, that's not the point of this blog.

I want to congratulate the Cardinals on making it this far, but your "magical" run over the last month and a half will fall short to a few "Cruz Missiles" from NC17 and the "Year of the Napoli" will make you wish you'd let Atlanta make the postseason instead of you.

So I hope everyone has an awesome time celebrating this season for Dallas, Fort Worth, Arlington, and the Rangers. Oh yeah, feel free to follow me on Twitter: @JLanzillo4.

What's Wrong with Baseball in the Summer? Part 5

2011-09-16T10:37:00.000-05:00

Well today is the finale of my summer baseball series. And this subject really gets me amped up. It actually is an issue no matter what team is playing, or what sport is being played.

I hate that fan who wears a jersey or hat or shirt from another team not playing in the game. You go to a Texas Rangers and they are playing the Minnesota Twins. Normal enough you're gonna see plenty of Texas gear, and some Twins gear, because let's be honest Texas is a transplant state (people move here from places like New Jersey, New York, Minnesota, Ohio, etc. all the time, I mean come on, we have plenty of jobs and no state income tax...). But while you're at that Rangers v. Twins match-up you see some douche bag fan rocking a Derek Jeter t-shirt jersey.

I understand if you're a Yankees fan. I understand if you're a Yankees fan in D/FW watching a game at the ballpark. I understand if you're a Yankees fan at the Rangers game rocking Yankee gear when the Bronx Bombers are in Arlington playing a game. What I don't understand is why you're wearing an ugly navy New York jersey at a game featuring no teams from the northeast at all. I mean I would even not mind a Yankees fan rocking his gear if the Red Sox were in town...

I hate it. You're not cool because you own a Jeter shirt. You look like a total douche. But there is of course one thing worse than that: when a fan is rocking a team from a different sport and area then the teams currently playing. Imagine yourself at the same previously mentioned game featuring the Rangers and Twins. You're just enjoying a well pitched game by C.J. Wilson, and bam, in walks a fan rocking a Lakers jersey. Some loser just rocked a purple and gold tank top jersey to a baseball game that (1) had no basketball teams playing in it, (2) featured no teams from California, and (3) was likely being played when no basketball was actually going on.

Absolutely ridiculous. So the next time you're at a sporting event, either wear team gear that correlates with the sport and the game being played, or just wear a non-sports related article of clothing. Don't be that douche, it is the opposite of being awesome.

(I apologize for the inconvenience of having no picture to show you what I mean. I couldn't find anything via Google, and I continuously forgot to snap a picture of it at Rangers games this summer. If I happen to see it at any of the remaining games, I promise to snap a shot. So to make up for it for now, here is a snap shot of me in Rangers garb from last years World Series game 3 against San Fransisco with ESPN's Tim Kurkjian. I'm also carrying a drum, just like my grandfather Zonk does.)

Who Could Forget? 10 Years After.

2011-09-11T10:16:00.001-05:00

My parents still remember where they were when Kennedy was shot. Our generation had our own date to remember, 9/11/01. I still remember where I was.

Dallas Christian High School, Junior English class. We were pulled out of class early and taken to our auditorium (where we had chapel daily) and the entire high school was told at the same time. I remember many people were in disbelief, and there was one girl whose dad was in New York at the time for work, and she left to go call home.

As we were young, a lot of the talk was going to war. We weren't really thinking about the people, just revenge, and the day wasn't even over yet.

When we went back to class, we got the news put up, and saw the videos. That's when it really began to set in. Seeing video of the second plane hitting the building and the people all around, it was intense. I remember the bombing in Oklahoma City, it was very similar, but it never really sank in the way 9/11 did. I remember a few years later seeing ground zero. I had been in New York in August a few weeks before the attacks, and this had been my first time back. My brother snapped this shot of the miracle cross.

Today is the 10 year anniversary. I still remember. I won't be forgetting any time soon. We are a proud country, always have been, and always will be. It took almost ten years, but we finally got the man responsible earlier this year. To those family members of men and women who lost their lives that day, my thoughts are with all of you today. We will always honor their loss in this great American tragedy.

What's Wrong with Baseball in the Summer? Part 4

2011-09-06T15:23:00.000-05:00

This one is easy. There isn't even a whole lot to write. It's the umpires.

Officiating is really pretty horrible in all sports, the NHL may have the best, but that's not saying much. People will often say that, well they're human, they make mistakes. I get that, the occasional missed ball or strike is understandable. But these people ARE in fact getting paid. So how is it that when you're only job is to watch a play, you still blow a call?

Take for example Jim Joyce's blown call (pictured right) last summer that led to a "failed" perfect game. A foot is a lot, even for a play run at full speed. And that is how bad this call was blown. It could even be argued that shitty umpiring cost the Atlanta Braves a win in the playoffs last year, I mean how does an umpire blow this call on the Buster Posey steal (pictured below)? I mean he was clearly out at every angle. What is really crazy is that not a single Brave (including Manager Bobby Cox and infielder Brooks Conrad) went out to argue this safe call...
I guess I had a little bit more to write then I first thought. But the next time you see a blown call in baseball (especially in the playoffs) or in any sport, just remember this, those guys make a lot more money than you probably do, and you are probably better at your job then they are at theirs.

Anyway, look for Part 5 soon, hopefully before the baseball playoffs begin. Until then stay awesome, and enjoy opening weekend to the NFL this week (thank the gods for instant replay...)

Turn the Page

2011-07-29T22:08:00.000-05:00

Well, Captain Awesome is turning a major page in his life. I'll start with the simple thing. I'm moving away from my apartment in downtown Fort Worth. It's sad, and I'm going to miss it.

The move is necessary, as my rent was going to be raised another $124/month, and that's something a third year law student just can't afford. The apartment isn't even that great. It's small, awkwardly shaped, and lacks a balcony. That's a huge issue when an apartment complex wants you paying $1020/month. I will say though that the location is immaculate. Walking distance to the law school, walking distance to Sundance Square, which means walking distance to the Flying Saucer.

I'll miss being here, but I'll also love Richardson. It'll be a house, centrally located off of central expressway, close to family and friends, and close to where I'm a legal intern.

Anyway, on to my second big news. I am soon to be not a bachelor. I have been living with my girlfriend for about 18 months now (see picture). I have made the decision to propose, and well she said yes. So we will get to plan a wedding around law school. The date has been decided. It will be Saturday, March 17, 2012. Yes, we are going to get married on St. Patrick's Day. You know how much I love the holiday. I love the drinking and the leprechauns. It will be the party of all parties. A cherished holiday and a time honored traditional celebration. It will be a good time, and there will be several posts along the way (such as Captain Awesome's bachelor party), so stay tuned!

So until next time, stay awesome.

Flying Saucer Take Two

2011-07-23T08:56:00.000-05:00

Well as some readers may remember, back in 2010, Negro Willie got his plate up at Flying Saucer in Addison. I also briefly mentioned that I received my first plate at the Saucer in Fort Worth back in December 2009. Well it's time to make mention of Flying Saucer in Fort Worth again, as plate number two is now up, and we had my "Plate Party" last night.

It didn't get too crazy, although the hangover I'm currently recovering from would beg to differ. So there is not a whole lot of story. Lots of beer at Flying Saucer, some more at the Fox and Hound, and then some late night pizza as a snack (and it was awesome).

My first plate said "My student loans bought beer, not books." (Pictured Above) And this plate now says, "Two years of law school, two plates. Coincidence?" (Pictured Left) You can see them pictured above and below. My goal is to get my third plate up around the same time I graduate from law school. Three plates and a J.D. Not a bad way to go.

Anyway, I thought sharing my awesome news may encourage others to go out and be awesome, so go ahead, go out and be awesome!

Tell them Captain Awesome sent you...

What's Wrong with Baseball in the Summer? Part 3

2011-07-18T14:26:00.000-05:00

This one is going to be short. The price of beer. I mean for anywhere from $7-$14 depending on the stadium you are at, or the style of beer you are drinking, the beers at the ballpark will cost you. And even if you work as a safety inspector at a nuclear power plant, the cost of beer at a ballgame will still shock you and eat at your wallet (see picture)...

What sucks about this is that it ends up costing you the price of a case to keep your tailgating buzz going during the game. I mean $7 bucks for a Budweiser at the ballgame to quench your thirst, is just an insane mark-up. And it's not like your other options of drinks on a hot summer day are much better. $4-$7 for a water or a soft drink is equally insane. And don't even get me started on the cost of food...

Either way, problem number 3 of summertime baseball is the insane price gouging on food and beverages while you enjoy three hours of sweltering heat under the sun.

What's Wrong with Baseball in the Summer? Part 2

2011-06-30T11:14:00.000-05:00

Ah yes, it has been a week, so I will write part 2 on my experiences with fans at baseball game. The next one, isn't that bad to most fans, it really just bothers the people who have played the game before (myself included).

The next issue is when fans go nuts over every single pop-up to shallow centerfield as if it's a 450ft. blast in the upper deck. I mean come on, seriously? Is your depth perception really that bad? Can you not see the outfielder running in to catch the ball?

It's like all of those fans watch soccer on Spanish TV and are used to hearing the announcer go nuts anytime the ball is even close to a goal. In a 1-0 game in soccer, those announcers must get excited to the point where a goal has to be imminent like 40x's a game. That's what the baseball fans do.

My advice: learn to read a flyball of the bat. It's not that hard.

I will give a pass to those fans only when the flyball makes it to the warning track.

What's Wrong with Baseball in the Summer? Part 1

2011-06-23T11:00:00.000-05:00

So it's summertime, which means a decent number of people will likely be attending baseball games at some point this season. So I'm going to discuss one of my pet peeves regarding baseball games and the fans (and trust me, there is more to come).

The first one that came to mind, is quite possibly, the most annoying action a fan at a baseball came can be a part of. The problem is that despite players and serious fans of the games dislike for it, this trend continues to suck the life out of a game. It's the wave (pictured).

This "tradition" has been ruining games an inning at a time as fans who know absolutely nothing about the game continue to do it. If you want to do the wave, go to a soccer game or something, it's not for baseball. Whoever introduced it to baseball should be shot and banned from the game for life. We don't see this shit in football, hockey, or basketball games, so why should I have to deal with some douche, who probably doesn't know where the short stop plays, stand up in front of me, raising his hands in the air, and likely spilling beer one me? The answer is I shouldn't.

The Texas Rangers have made attempts to ban this by playing a video on the jumbo-tron when the wave gets started declaring the ballpark a "No Wave Zone." Thank you Chuck Morgan for doing what you can for removing this stain of a trend from the ballpark.

Anyway, that's enough of my ranting, check back in a week or so. I have several more blogs coming in this series. If you do happen to see the wave this summer, please do not participate, and feel free to discourage fellow fans to do the same. Stay awesome.

Future Super Agent

2011-06-03T14:10:00.000-05:00

So, within the past week, my future career path may be starting to unfold. After two years of answering "I don't know," to questions regarding what I'm going to be doing with my law degree, I may have finally picked it out, and it turns out to have been what I always wanted to do all along.

I am going to become a sports agent, and build an empire of hockey and baseball players. I also wouldn't mind representing actors and musicians. If I could build an empire along the lines of CAA, then I'd be one happy law grad.

I have already signed a future NHL blue liner. A former NCAA Div. III All-American and National Champion out of Norwich, Eric Tallent (pictured), as my first client. Hopefully some other hopeful future professional athletes and/or actors/musicians want in on this.

Now I just have to figure a good name for my agency. I wanted it to be Captain Awesome Agency, except that CAA is already a pretty well known name. Does anybody like Big4 Agency?

I could also take on the name the Zonk Group, but instead of the Zonk Group, Inc., I could use the Zonk Group Agency. It's a name that really stands out, and has some local D/FW recognition. Let me know what you think.

Home of Champions

2011-05-29T13:06:00.000-05:00

Well, thanks to Dirk (pictured) and the rest of the Mavericks, in less than a calender year, Dallas/Fort Worth will see three of the four championships played in our backyard.

It all started last October when the Texas Rangers went on a magical run through the playoffs to win the American League championship and follow that up with their first appearance in the World Series. Of course this was also the first time they had ever even won a series in the playoffs. So even though they lost to San Fransisco, they still happened to play there, and we even got to see a World Series win here in the metroplex. So the Rangers started this run of championship games.

Of course the Dallas Cowboys were absolutely horrible this year. Fortunately, their owner, Boss Hogg, happened to build a Death Star on the ground in Arlington in the form of Cowboys Stadium. Because of this, the NFL in all their wisdom, decided to have us good folks in D/FW host the Super Bowl, with Fort Worth getting the AFC and Dallas getting the NFC and Arlington getting the game. And yes I was out in Fort Worth the night Big Ben was buying rounds at Pete's Piano Bar, and no I was not at Pete's.

The Dallas Stars ruined an opportunity for a sweep. They had to win the last game of the season, and they came out as gutless as they come and got beat. So there was no playoff hockey in Dallas this year.

Fortunately for American Airlines Center, the major under-dogs to do it, the Dallas Mavericks have marched their way to a 2006 rematch with the hated Miami Heat, and let's be honest no one wants to see the Heat win this thing. Well except maybe the NBA front office and all the officials. Because none of them want to see Cuban's team win. Just as they did five years ago, the shitty officiating will have Wade, Bosh (who's from Dallas) and super Douche Nugget Lebron James (personally Steve Carell had a much better "decision" than James) on the line any time they have the ball and someone is breathing on them.

Either way, D/FW has this year hosted the World Series, the Super Bowl, and the NBA Finals. Not bad for out small little town...

Osama bin Laden

2011-05-01T21:57:00.000-05:00

Minutes before Obama announces the news, I'm going to be taking bets on how bin Laden (pictured below) actually died.

1:1 Natural Causes
2:1 Killed by own men
6:1 U.S. Spec. Ops got him
10:1 He's not actually dead
15:1 Missile attack
30:1 Alcohol poisoning at the "Royal Wedding" this past weekend.

Update: CIA/U.S. Spec. Ops at 6:1 wins the day according to the POTUS.

St. Patrick's Day part deux.

2011-03-16T13:45:00.000-05:00

I have written on St. Patrick's Day in the past on the appropriate beverages for consumption to celebrate, and you can read that here if you wish. However on the eve of the all important day in celebration of St. Patrick, I would like to address a very important issue: the treatment of little people as nothing more than leprechauns every March 17th.

You see, since I can remember, and from what I remember from many St. Patrick's Days of years past, I always remember seeing in live person or on television, instances in which the wee living Hobbits of our world are asked or paid or forced to dress in green and dance for us. We may even be able to get their lucky charms! But how much longer can we force these wee champions to withstand our requests to be entertained while we drink our livers to the end of the rainbow?

I'll tell you how much longer, until it no longer entertains us! What would St. Patrick's Day be without the joyous little people dressed in green and handing out pints of Guinness to all the revelers of this most joyous celebration of Irishmen, alcoholism, shamrocks, and the color green? It would be just another boring day at the bar where some tool who got his hands on a green Affliction t-shirt and a Miller Lite with green dye in it.

If we decide to get tired of midgets in leprechaun drag, then the douche's who drink green light beer win. As a man of Irish descent, and a man who enjoys many of Ireland's craft beers and whiskeys, I refuse to let another holiday succumb to dealing with the Jersey Shore cast at the bar with their green dyed beer. So this year, I decided to make the world know that we must support our little people in leprechaun drag, as I did at the Dash Down Greenville in Dallas this past weekend (see picture).

So until next time, be awesome and be proud of the green tomorrow!

The Law of Mardi Gras

2011-03-08T08:43:00.000-06:00

Since today is Fat Tuesday, I thought I'd share some relevant Louisianan Law. Feel free to check the site. This is quite an enjoyable statute, unless of course you are injured by a flying missile of beads...

This is somewhat important for me to note, because while Captain Awesome won't be down there for Mardi Gras, he will be celebrating a bachelor party during the course of spring break, so I will be prepared for flying beads...

La. R.S. 9:2796 (2011)

§ 9:2796. Limitation of liability for loss connected with Mardi Gras parades and festivities; fair and festival parades

A. Notwithstanding any other law to the contrary, no person shall have a cause of action against any krewe or organization, any group traditionally referred to as Courir de Mardi Gras, or any member thereof, which presents Mardi Gras parades, including traditional rural Mardi Gras parades, processions, or runs in which participants ride on horseback, march, walk, or ride on horse-drawn or motordrawn floats, or wheeled beds, or other parades, whether held on a public or private street or waterway, or in a building or other structure, or any combination thereof, connected with pre-Lenten festivities or the Holiday in Dixie Parade, or against any nonprofit organization chartered under the laws of this state, or any member thereof, which sponsors fairs or festivals that present parades or courirs, for any loss or damage caused by any member thereof, during or in conjunction with or related to the parades or courirs presented by such krewe or organization, unless said loss or damage was caused by the deliberate and wanton act or gross negligence of the krewe or organization, or any member thereof as the case may be, or unless said member was operating a motor vehicle within the parade or festival and was a compensated employee of the krewe, organization, or courir. The provisions of this Section shall not be intended to limit the liability of a compensated employee of such krewe or organization for his individual acts of negligence.

B. Any person who is attending or participating in one of the organized parades of floats or persons listed in Subsection A of this Section, when the parade begins and ends between the hours of 6:00 a.m. and 12:00 midnight of the same day, assumes the risk of being struck by any missile whatsoever which has been traditionally thrown, tossed, or hurled by members of the krewe or organization in such parades held prior to the effective date of this Section. The items shall include but are not limited to beads, cups, coconuts, and doubloons unless said loss or damage was caused by the deliberate and wanton act or gross negligence of said krewe or organization.

Marathons

2011-02-28T10:20:00.001-06:00

Running marathons is a lot harder than I thought. I think this makes me more awesome because I did it...

Run Fatboy, Run. That is all.

American League Champions...in Texas?

2010-10-23T08:51:00.000-05:00

That's right, the Rangers have finally done it. They struck through the heart of the evil empire and drove that stake in till it was all said and done. They did it with the snowman at the helm, and they did it with Josh Hamilton being intentionally walked a record number of times.

During the regular season they were the walk off kings (see picture), but in the post season, they got on teams early and often. That's a true sign of a winner. I'm proud of the team. My family has been cheering for the Rangers for decades, and it has been tough the last 10 years, but our love of baseball has been completely revived with this 2010 season. I mean, you can check out the Fox news feature on my grandfather, Zonk (here). This aired about an hour before game time yesterday.

Anyway, I'm trying to prep for the finals of an intramural negotiation competition, so I don't have too much else to say other than, I'm ready for games 3-4-and if necessary 5 of the world series to hit DFW. The Rangers were awesome this year.

It's the old LT

2010-10-07T13:58:00.000-05:00

Well, Scoregasm steamrolled the Coital Cadavers this week, and has moved into a 4 way tie for 2nd place, but sit 4th based on points. There isn't much to dwell on with regards to my week 4 dominance. There were two guys that showed they still have it. Terrell Owens and LaDainian Tomlinson were playing like it was 2006. And it was a huge pay off for me.

I also got some good play from Drew Brees, DeAngelo Williams, and Eddie Royal. I also used my waiver spot to pick up Brett Favre who had been cut by the very shitty Come Get Some. I swept in and grabbed him after I heard the news of the Randy Moss trade. I think this will be a major trade chip soon. If it's not, having Favre on my roster won't be a bad thing.

This week, I get to face T-Bag. He is historically the worst fantasy football owner in our league. And he currently sits 0-4 and at the bottom of the standings. Expect me to be telling you next week about my dominance and becoming 4-1 after 5 weeks of play.

This is turning into a good fall. Go Rangers! Make my bet last January on you to win the World Series a good bet.

Funny of Die

2010-10-02T17:49:00.000-05:00

That's right, I want to spread the word about some of the things I write about. I have begun posting some of my older blogs to the Internet phenomenon website, and there will be added bonuses as well.

Negro Willie and I plan on starting a series of webisodes in which we interview celebrities and sports stars. We will have to start small, but may have the opportunity to move up. We will also be reviewing movies, books, cigars, and alcohol. Anyway, there isn't much more to this blog, but for people who may read this, go over to this link: http://www.funnyordie.com/blogs/a14f4a62a4/the-lift and leave comments and like it and hopefully I will be featured by the website. Don't forget, you can like me on facebook, and you can do that here: http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/Captain-Awesome/58404243392?ref=ts.

Thanks, and stay awesome.

Total Domination in week 3.

2010-09-29T10:00:00.000-05:00

Well my predictions were only half right. I did totally dominate Total Domination this past week. Peyton Hillis however had a monster game. The crazy thing, my bench may have outscored my starting lineup with fewer players. My optimal lineup was the best lineup of any team thanks in part to monster days by Roy UnoUno with the Cowboys, Mike Wallace breaking out in Pitt, Flacco found some rhythm and L.T. continues to be my best back.

Of course Drew Brees put up his usual numbers. Of my starters, I have to give credit where credit is due, and well that has to go to the monster day by Anquan Boldin (pictured). Three touchdowns, 140 something yards, and so he put up a whopping 31.96 points for me, even with his -6 passing yards.

Here is my biggest complaint of the week. and it goes toward the Carolina Panthers and their horrible offensive game plan. They are starting a rookie QB in Clausen, and so you figure the team is gonna be running the ball, so that's good news for DeAngelo Williams and Scoregasm. Wrong. In a close game, the entire game, John Fucking Fox decided it was in the best interest to let Clausen throw 33 times in the game. That decision led to an interception and two lost fumbles. On top of that Jonathan Stewart got an equivalent number of carries, including on the goal line. His line was a powerhouse 13 yards on eight carries, a touchdown and a lost fumble. That's good shit. While my boy DeAngelo got only 10 carries and dropped 64 yards on the Bengals defense. Now I'm no professional coach, but I do know some math and a 6.4 yards per carry average should get more carries as opposed to the guy who averaged 1.6 yards on the ground or the QB who completed fewer than 50% of his passes for only 5.7 yards per attempt...

So while Scoregasm still won, the shitty Panthers lost again. My analysis, John Fox is an idiot, and doesn't know anything about football. What a fucking cockbag, I bet he is gone by the end of the season.

Scoregasm got some in week 2

2010-09-26T11:53:00.001-05:00

Well, as the fantasy football week comes screeching into week 3, Scoregasm's week 2 win celebration will run into a two time league champion.

I dominated the piss pour Come Get Some last week (thanks to a two td performance from Drew Brees (pictured)). And I plan on putting some total domination on Total Domination, who has twice held the title of league champion. Yahoo has me favored by around 9 points or so. His biggest problem is he is running 2 back up running backs at me. One of which is Jonathan Stewart who happens to be backing up my DeAngelo Williams. Advantage? Scoregasm. He is also running fullback Peyton Hillis out from Cleveland...against the Baltimore DEF... Advantage? Scoregasm. He would have better been suited for running the "demoted" Shonn Greene of the Jets out there. What's that? You second round running back Shonn Greene has 100 fewer rushing yards and 50 fewer receiving yard than his back up, my tenth round pick of LaDainian Tomlinson? Advantage? Scoregasm.

Prediction: Total Domination will go into week 4 with a record of 0-3, like the Vikings likely will, and Scoregasm will march into week 4 with a solid 2-1 record.

PS: Negro Willie's Sexy Hamburger's look a lot like the Dallas Cowboys. Talented, but still losers. I guess number 1 overall Chris Johnson was the wrong pick... See you in rivalry week bitch.

Octoberfest

2010-09-18T03:48:00.000-05:00

The original "Oktoberfest" occurred in Munich, on October 18, 1810: For the commemoration of their marriage, Crown Prince Ludwig (later King Ludwig I) and Princess Therese of Saxe-Hildburghausen organized a great horse race (the marriage took place on October 12; the horse race on October 17—therefore, there are different dates named as being the first Oktoberfest). With all that said lets talk about what Octoberfest is really about. Its drinking ALOT of beer. Alot doesn't even come close to describe the amount of beer consumed at Octoberfest. Octoberfest is about drinking MASSIVE amounts of beer. Every year Octoberfest is held in Germany, locally it is held in Addison at Addison Circle. I myself have experienced Octoberfest in Addison for the past2 years and I will be partaking in the festivities again this year. It is becoming a tradition amongst my friends and I to go to Addison and get blackout drunk during Octoberfest. The attached picture is a blur in my mind. Well I'm not going to give you too much about our Octoberfest shenanigans right now so you will have to tune in for my Octoberfest recap, and I'm sure Captain Awesome will regale you with his Octoberfest stories as well.

Not So Sexy in Week 1

2010-09-18T02:36:00.000-05:00

Week 1 for the Sexy Hamburgers was not a successful one. The Hamburgers dropped the first game of the season to the Renis Pinkles 104.62-94.32. Overall it was not a bad showing for the Burgers as Tom Brady showed that he is back to his terrific self and was deserving of that big contract. Chris Johnson Showed that he was worth the hype and deserved to be the #1 pick in every fantasy league. Some things that are cause for concern was the play of Jason Witten and Mario Manningham. I expect both players to have a big bounce back week in week 2. Witten is Romo's Favorite target so it's only a matter of time before they connect and start putting up big numbers. As for Manningham i expect him to have a big game against a Colts Secondary that is once again missing Bob Sanders. I also hope that Mark Sanchez Will have some time to pass the ball down field to Braylon Edwards i n week 2. I Drafted Edwards thinking that this would be his bounce back year. I know its only week 1 but the Jets offense was just offensive. On a sad Note the Hamburgers lost Ryan Grant to a season ending ankle injury. He was going to be a vital part to the Hamburgers road to a champion. The Sexy Hamburgers will have to play extra sexy as they go up against team Led Heads in week 2. Stay Sexy.

Scoregasm fails to get off in Week 1

2010-09-12T21:56:00.000-05:00

Well, it happens to everybody. They think they've drafted the unbeatable team, and then Arian Foster (pictured) happens to you. With a line that reads 231 rush yards, 3 rushing touchdowns, and 7 yards receiving, Foster put in his best effort to dash the opening week of fantasy for Scoregasm. In the Donkey Punch league format, Foster posted a 41.80 spot, which is very rare.

While week 1 isn't over, as I have Anquan Boldin and the Baltimore defense looking to embarrass the Jets on Monday Night Football, I doubt the two are likely to put up a combined 55-60 points required for me to take the week (he still has Miles Austin on the field still). So while this blog is coming in a little early, my hope now is come Tuesday morning, I can write an update along the lines of Boldin running up about 180 yards, 3 touchdowns, and the Baltimore defense can pitch a shutout, with 5 sacks, 3 picks and a take at least on of those picks in for a pick six.

Unfortunately, my blog counterpart's team, the Sexy Hamburgers, got essentially a "bye week" since he got to play historically one of the worst teams in the league.

Anyway, hopefully Week 2 is a much more fulfilling fantasy week for Scoregasm.

The Circle of Life?

2010-09-01T08:55:00.000-05:00

So I'm sitting in Constitutional Law recently, and when I should be learning about why Congress can use the Commerce Clause to tell a BBQ joint in Alabama in 1964 that even though they serve everyone, they have to allow blacks to sit at the tables, despite what it will do to their business, and well I can't help but think, I'm bored with being a human...

Humans have way to many problems, and they bitch about everything. They bitch if someone treats them bad, and they make the argument because it's about skin color, or gender, or sexual orientation. Have you ever thought you might just be a giant douche bag? Doubt it. I know plenty of people don't like me, is it because of my Italian or Irish blood? Is it because the things in life I enjoy are drinking, gambling, and smoking cigars? I doubt it, people generally dislike me because I'm an asshole. I know I'm an asshole, but I'm good at it, so I probably always will be one.

Anyway, back to why I'm writing this blog. Instead of learning about the Commerce Clause, I thought about what I would rather be, and I think I nailed it. I want to be a motherfucking lion. I want to be king of the pride. Where my only jobs involve eating what the women bring me, banging each of the women in my pride, and killing or exiling any other male lions trying to move in on me, and sleeping. That is a pretty good life.

I wouldn't have to hear other lions bitch about how life isn't fair. You don't hear lions say, "The only reason you exiled me is because my mane is darker than yours." Or, "I'm not going hunting tonight and bringing you dinner, because as a woman I have rights too." Of course the thing you would never hear is, "Not tonight, I don't feel good, I have a headache." As a lion who was king of the pride, you just have to tell that bitch to bend over and take it like a lioness (pictured).

Now let me ask you this: Doesn't being a lion sound awesome?

Sexy Champions

2010-08-30T21:54:00.000-05:00

Last season I finished in 2nd place in the Donkey Punches fantasy league. This year my team; the Sexy Hamburgers are poised to win it all this season. I was lucky enough to have the first pick in the draft, so naturally I selected Chris Johnson, and as you can see the Sexy Hamburgers are very happy to have him on the team. Here is the rest of the Hamburgers roster.

QB: Tom Brady
WR: Donald Driver
WR: Braylon Edwards
WR:Kenny Britt

RB: Chris Johnson

RB: Ryan Grant

TE: Jason Witten

K: Ryan Longwell

DEF: Green Bay

BN; Joseph Addai

BN: Darren Sproles

BN: Mark Sanchez

BN: Mario Manningham

BN: Brian Westbrook

I am pretty happy with the way my draft turned out. It's hard to be upset when you have the #1 overall pick. Along with Captain Awesome I will be updating you on how my road to a championship is going. PLAY LIKE SEXY CHAMPIONS!

Fantasy Football Update

2010-08-22T18:15:00.000-05:00

Well, the draft didn't go quite as I hoped, but I am quite happy with my lineup. I had the 10th pick in the draft of 12 teams. Here is what the Scoregasm roster looks like:

QB: Drew Brees*
QB: Vince Young
RB: DeAngelo Williams*
RB: Matt Forte*
RB: LaDainian Tomlinson
WR: Anquan Boldin*
WR: Terrell Owens*
WR: Roy Williams*
WR: Mike Wallace
WR: Jerricho Cotchery
TE: Brent Celek*
TE: Zach Miller
K: David Buehler*
DEF: Baltimore Ravens*

The starters are noted with a *, and I am a fan of my roster. I see the chip in my future, especially if L.T. (pictured) puts out some solid production with the Jets as the third down back and goal line guy that I expect him to be.

Fantasy Football

2010-08-21T15:55:00.000-05:00

Ah, it's that time of the year again. When men all across the country get together, get drunk, and pretend to be NFL owners. I am one of those men.

This year is a big year in the Donkey Punch League for Team Scoregasm. You see, I finished dead last for the first time last year, which really sucks because I wasn't even supposed to. I gave up 1 of my 3 wins due to a controversy on a TD and whether it was a defensive touchdown. Yahoo said it wasn't, but the NFL said it was, so our league ruled with the NFL. This hurt especially since the previous season I was in the playoffs, though I lost in the first round, and the year before I lead the league in regular season, but due some injuries I ended up finishing 3rd on the season. This is going to be our 5th season as a group, though we have had some people drop out, and we've added players each year as well. But there are about 8 guys who have been playing each year, and this should be a long lasting league. But enough about that. Let's talk strategy.

Every year I draft Carson Palmer (pictured), and every year he disappoints my team. This year I am going to give him one more shot. I may even go after a T.O. or an Ochocinco to get some of those double point tds. At running back, my targets are Michael Turner, L.T., and Ricky Williams (who has carried my team at points the last couple of years). Wide receivers I'm looking at include Anquan Boldin, Braylon Edwards, Roy "UnoUno" Williams, and Steve Smith (NYG). At tight end, I was going to give Jason Witten another shot, but with all the O-line injuries with the Cowboys this year, I think he will be back to blocking in the red zone, so I doubt he improves on his total of 2 tds this year (1 which came in week 17 and did me no good). Since I am avoiding big 82 from the 'boys, I'm going to go after a couple of guys who may have big comebacks headed there way in Kellen Winslow and Chris Cooley, of course Antonio Gates wouldn't be a horrible pick either. And the picks that turn out to matter the most, the DEF and K, well I'll probably take the best available come round 10. Maybe a CIN or SF def, and a David Akers at K.

Well, I think those guys can put me in a good spot to challenge for a title. Some sleeper picks include Matt Leinart, Larry Johnson, Steve Breaston, and Mike Wallace. To all the other fantasy footballers out there, good luck, hope my picks may help you.

Time Travel

2010-07-16T15:30:00.000-05:00

So this morning a movie came on that I haven't seen in a long time. It was Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. I forgot how awesome that movie was. It had some of history's most important people in it. Some of the historical figures included Joan of Arc, Billy the Kid, and Abraham Lincoln. Watching this movie got me thinking about other time travel movies and where they would rank. So I decided to put together a list of my favorite time travel movies.

#5. Hot Tub Time Machine

It's a newer movie but for those who have seen it will agree that its a great movie. It has a funny cast that delivers some funny lines such as "It's so impossibly black!" I support this movie.

#4. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

I explained earlier why this movie is on my list but let me add one more thing. KEANU. Nuff said.

#3. The Time Machine

This is a movie that took me a while to come around on. In this list I am counting the original and the remake together because it's my list and I can do that. I like the remake better because Samantha Mumba looked good and she's a black girl with an Irish accent. How often do you see that?

#2. Terminator 1 & 2

Some people might have these movies number 1 on their list, but like I said earlier this is my list and I have it at number 2. These movies had awesome guns and awesome special effects. My only problem with Terminator 2 is that the black guy had to die, other than that I give both movies 2 thumbs up.

#1. Back to the Future 1, 2, &3

How can you not like these movies? Doc Brown, Marty McFly, Marvin Berry, hover boards, 80's cafe, the DeLorean and the Flux Capacitor. It has everything that makes time travel possible. I had the chance to meet the actor that plays Marvin Berry and he still loves the trilogy, plus he did his famous line for me. "Chuck, it's me Marvin... your cousin, Marvin Berry. You know that new sound you've been looking for? Well listen to this." Hands down the best time travel movie ever.

Breathing is first, winning is second.

2010-07-13T15:48:00.000-05:00

Today baseball should be mourning a man who changed the game. The Boss, George Steinbrenner, died today at the age of 80. This is a big blow to the New York Yankees and Major League Baseball.

I myself was not a fan of him, though I liked his style. I am a Texas Rangers fan, and so being a fan of anything related to the Yankees is tough, but I give respect to a man who should be considered one of the greatest sports franchise owners of all time, regardless of the sport.

Tonight they play an All-Star game in Anaheim, so even though there are 6 Rangers in the game, I would be happy to see the Yankees have a great game in honor of their former owner.

To the Steinbrenner family, best of luck to all of you, and you have my condolences. I'm sure you will keep on with the Steinbrenner tradition of winning championships no matter what it is going to cost you. I am also glad your Cliff Lee deal failed. Also thanks to you, Dallas has Jerry Jones and Mark Cuban, but why couldn't you done better work on Tom Hicks?

So to close it out, I'm refrain from one of my normal awesome comments and leave with a quote coined by the late George III, "Breathing is first, winning is second."

Happy 4th of July Weekend

2010-07-01T12:30:00.000-05:00

Well this is my second blog and it comes at a very good time. This weekend is the 4th of July which means lots of drinking, grilling, fireworks, baseball, saluting watermelon, being an American, and of course the inflatable slip n slide.

Some of you may ask yourself what an inflatable slip n slide has to do with the 4th of July. Well if you were in Austin Texas last year (pictured right) and are going this year you will understand. The inflatable slip n slide is the greatest thing ever (pictured below).

You might think that I'm am over hyping the inflatable slip and slide but let me explain. During the summers of our childhood we all liked to go swimming. Well sometimes the pool was closed and other forms of water fun were needed to combat the hot Texas sun. that is when the slip n slide came in handy.

The slip n slide combines 2 things that kids love to do; that's getting wet and sliding. As we got older it became taboo for an adult to use a slip n slide. People would look at you like you were crazy, but lets be real. We all have an inner child that needs to get out sometimes.

That is exactly what will be happening this weekend. To help celebrate our country being awesome, I Negro Willie, Captain Awesome and others will be going to Austin to indulge in drinking, being awesome, and of course the inflatable slip n slide.

So to all Americans, enjoy your weekend, be safe, and be Awesome.

Damn, I love Vegas.

2010-06-28T09:44:00.000-05:00

A city one can never get enough of, where the sands of the desert turn to gold. Where alcohol flows like milk and honey, where one roll of the dice, spin of the wheel, or splitting eights can make you big money. Las Vegas. I love that town.

As the bachelor party got an extension in Vegas, I felt the need to recant some of the occurrences of the weekend. We had everything from a Hibachi dinner to bottle service at Olympic Gardens to a couple of amazing rolls at the craps table, and even a nap in a bathtub. I can't forget our run-in with a very good quality "Alan from Hangover" attempt (see picture).

Something that must be talked about though was how hot the tables were for a while, and how fast they cooled.

I took $200 and my players card to a craps table in the Hardrock with dreams of an upgrade to a villa. The villa didn't happen, mostly because the hotel was booked full. So I started betting small, I had my $12 bets on the 6 and 8, and had $10 on the 4 and 10, which I bought when they hit. The guy rolling seemed to be throwing pretty solid, and so after hitting a few numbers I bumped it up. So with bets of $24 on 6 and 8, I bought the 4 and 10 for a quarter, and through a quarter on the 5 and 9. At this point I was feeling pretty good with the bankroll up to about $500. So I bumped it all up again, and kept it going, when my stack hit $750, I couldn't stop. I kept 4 and 10 at a quarter, had $50 on the 5 and 9, and was rocking $60 on my 6 and 8 (these bets were every changing with what the point was, I was betting $50 on my odds for the point, for a better understanding of the game of craps you can read this).

So the table was hot, I was bumped up at this point to about $1500, with a couple hundred of that riding on the table. It was one of the hottest run I'd been on at a table, the sad thing is, the guy throwing only made about $200 bucks for himself. He never pressed any of his bets, and was essentially only betting his odds. Oh well, I cashed out around $1200, and the dealers throughout that run made about $250 off me on the line and odds bets I was making for them. I also didn't shoot too bad myself (pictured).

Why did I tell this story as opposed to the 2 bottle night at Olympic Gardens, well that's because gambling is awesome. I am Captain Awesome, and I had an awesome run at the tables that night, and the next day another run for about $800. This of course was scattered around to several horrible $200 sessions of blackjack, and one cold craps table on the last day, after we had already checked out that cost me around $500. Considering the meals I ate, and the alcohol I consumed and the fun that I had, it was well worth it. I will make my normal six month return come December.

Damn, I love Vegas.

Ah, Bachelor Parties...

2010-06-14T21:49:00.000-05:00

A time honored tradition for the sucker that overpaid for a diamond and is dropping a lot of cash so his friends can get drunk as he shows his love to someone that hopefully has a nice rack.

The bachelor party is the only reason why grooms have best men. I am one of those best men. I have scheduled two different bachelor parties, one of which has already occurred. We had a local bachelor party this past Saturday, and in two weeks, me and the Groom and possibly Negro Willie will be in Vegas for a second bachelor party.

We held the one in Dallas for everyone who couldn't afford Vegas, and quite honestly I can't even afford Vegas, but I always find a way to do Sin City.

I will essentially describe what went down this past Saturday, just so that any future best men out there may have some good ideas based on what Captain Awesome scheduled. This entire bachelor party was a complete surprise to the groom. He had no idea what was going on until we got to Javier's.
Saturday, June 12, 2010:

5:00pm- Suit up, head into Dallas to pick up the Groom.
6:00pm- Cigars and scotch in a nice little cigar lounge with just the groom and one other person.
9:00pm- Dinner at Javier's Gourmet Mexicano. Great food, great margaritas.
10:30pm- Move over to the Cigar Lounge at Javier's and everyone has a cigar and a few more drinks. (Pictured below)

Sunday, June 13, 2010:
12:15am- Stop at 7-11 for cash and 2 cases of beer.
12:30am- Arrive at the Clubhouse in Dallas (Full nude, BYOB). Lap dance right away for the groom, and they continue for the rest of the night. (Pictured above)
3:30am- Leave the strip club, and head home.
5:00am- Pass out.
2:30pm- Post whatever pictures we got.

This turned out to be a great bachelor party, if you want any other ideas, feel free to shoot me an email. Once again, find your awesome.

Losing Friends

2010-05-19T18:29:00.000-05:00

It's always tough when someone you know dies. It's even tougher when that someone is a friend. This past week after a hit and run accident, I lost a friend. Baxter (pictured next to me), we all will miss you.

He was a fun guy to hang out with, though he often let his temper get the best of him. I believe he had my number memorized, which is rare in this day and age, of course it was so that he could have me bail him out of jail when he needed it (he did).

I'll be honest, the guy was always smiling. He had differences with roommates, but they all cared about him. I didn't talk to him much over the last two years because we'd both left Denton, and we both were moving on from out college days. The last time I talked to him was through text about two or three months back, and all that occurred was your typical, "hey man, what's up?" and he asked me for another friend's phone number.

I wish I'd talked to him more since I left Denton, and now I regret it now. If anybody that reads this knew, write a comment so others get an idea of who Baxter Odom was.

Negro Willie and Flying Saucer

2010-04-28T00:28:00.001-05:00

So, I told you in the last post that Negro Willie was getting his saucer on the wall. This can be seen in the picture next to what you are reading... ---------------------------------------> Look here.

Do you see it? Well you should be able to. Now read it closely. "It's ok, it's just the furnace." I feel it is my duty to share the story related to this plate post.

So about two springs ago, Negro Willie and Captain Awesome took a road trip down to the big ATX to visit Drew the Jew. The weekend I believe is known as roundup down around those parts, and that meant it was a good time to get super drunk on free beer at Drew's ATO house. Can't really argue with that can you?

So we go through about 15-20 Keystones a piece, and get in about ten solid games of BASEketball. We probably played a few other games such as beer pong, or flip cup. I'll be honest, I don't really remember. There was a pretty killer 80's cover band there though, and that made for some enjoyment. Anyway, about 3:00am the night moved on to J in the B.

I got myself six tacos, and what Drew the Jew and Negro Willie got has long slipped my memory. Eventually we all pass out. I had the couch in the living room, the Jew was in his bed, and Willie took the carpeted floor in the Jew's room as the living room consisted of hard wood floors.

So about 5:30am rolls around, and I hear some jostling in the kitchen. I look up and Negro Willie is peeing in the corner of the kitchen. The conversation, I shit you not, went exactly as follows:

C.A.: "Will, what the fuck are you doing?"
N.W.: "It's ok, it's just the furnace."
C.A.: "Oh, ok."

From there on I went back to sleep completely ignoring the recent occurrence. It is at this time that I would like to point out, that the Drew's bathroom was in his bedroom. Therefore Willie walked further to pee on the kitchen floor than he would have to pee in the designated restroom areas. Drew the Jew learned of the pee on the floor later the next day, and Willie subsequently had to clean it up.

All in all, a pretty awesome weekend, with a classic drunk quote that has forever been immortalized at the Flying Saucer in Addison.

An apology.

2010-04-15T09:58:00.000-05:00

I would like to apologize to the loyal readers. I have been slacking on my duties, and so has Negro Willie (whose 1 blog is dwarfed by my 100+ count). I have been quite the busy bee. Law school and being awesome have essentially stolen all my time away from my duties of writing this free blog for people who enjoy or laugh at, or fuel there hatred and jealousy of me. For those who are jealous, if you just read this for it's substantive value, you could be awesome too, I mean look at me, I am awesome, it can't be that hard for you!

Anyway, I just finished the trial brief for my 1L year in law school, and it was time consuming. Had I know how tedious the research, writing, and citations were going to be, I may have rethought law school. I mean I was really only looking for a profession where I got to where a suit everyday, and I could afford to continue to purchase suits to look awesome.

On another note, I purchased a brand new custom fit fedora for everyday where (pictured), and I just wanted to throw props to Peters Brothers Hats for hooking me up with such an awesome hat, it will protect my head from the sun, while at the same time make me look more awesome in my suits than I already do. You should pick yourself up one today.

Anyway, I want to once again apologize for the lack of blogging from Team Awesome, I mean I at least have the excuse of being in law school. Negro Willie's only excuse I s'pose is that he is black, and so he stereotypically is lazy. Which I guess he really is. Though he is finally joining the UFO club at Flying Saucer this weekend for drinking 200 beers, so that should be fun. I received my acceptance and had my ceremony back in December, so it's nice to see him catch up. So until next time stay awesome.

Black History Month

2010-02-23T14:54:00.000-06:00

Where the white women at? That is the million dollar question tonight. The answer is they will be at the Jay Z concert. Does anyone find it odd that the only time Jay Z cames to town to do a concert is during Black History Month? I find it sad because every black stereotype will be in full effect tonight. Here are some examples.

1) Bluetooth in the ear while not talking on the phone.

2) Weed will be smoked all night

3) Jorts (if you don't know what jorts are see picture)

4) A new stereotype is sagging in skinny jeans

5) Fights will break out

6) none of the acts will start on time

Obviously I am leaving of alot but this is my first blog so I had to start somewhere. Stay tuned for more blogs.

New Writing Talent.

2010-02-04T23:34:00.000-06:00

So under threat of civil rights issues, I've brought on a "black writer." His name is Negro Willie, and over the years he has mastered several jobs. He is a great driver, he tastes my food before I eat, he bleaches carpet, he has sex with white girls, and he has broken the mold and learned to not steal (I think).

I've decided to have good ole Willie write (he will also write his own introduction soon) for several reasons. One I am really busy with writing legal mumbo-jumbo for school, two if I'm not doing school related things, I am probably either super hungover and/or drunk. Three I think he may be able to handle writing an occasional amusing blog.

My hopes are that through this process he gains some new skills. Like he could gain the skill of being a much better wing-man. He could learn to have sex with black girls. He could do something with the Internet that is not related to free porn.

Anyway, he works for the Ticket, and maybe this will make the guys on the radio (who aren't really that funny) see that Negro Willie is at least a little funnier than they are and he can get some air time. Then I can drop out of law school, and we can host a radio show called "The Captain and Willie" (working title). Until then enjoy his commentary on things related to cigars, sports, politics, and possibly crack?...

As another disclaimer, I do not fully endorse anything he writes, unless I happen to acknowledge it on here. He is writing as his own self, and is not a representation of Captain Awesome. He is after all a sidekick. But he is a cool sidekick like Tonto or R2D2, not a gay sidekick like Samwise Gamgee. If you remember the show Doug on Nickelodeon, then think of Captain Awesome as Doug, and Negro Willie as Skeeter Valentine.

Anyway until his first blog, stay awesome.

Inventors are smart.

2010-01-20T17:20:00.001-06:00

So America is a list culture. We see it on TV, like David Letterman's top 10. People list out their favorite sports, their favorite bands, etc. People like to list the top events of a year, decade, century. That's just our culture.

I won't lie, Captain Awesome is an admitted a list maker, as you can see here. So I got in the mood to create a list. Today this list is a tribute to some of the greatest achievements that mankind has come up with. So this is a list of the greatest inventions in the eyes of Captain Awesome. I'll even go backwards Letterman style. Enjoy.

25. Forks: Sure spoons and knives are nice, but give me a good fork, and I can eat anything.

24. Sporks: Only a genius could invent the best of both worlds, a fork and a spoon.

23. The Printing Press: While reading is on it's way out, I can't deny that I love me a good Palahniuk book.

22. DVR/Tivo: I wasn't sold when they first came out, but now that I have one, I think I watch 18x's the TV.

21. iPod + iTunes: While I remember how cool I was when I upgraded from a Walkman to a Discman, only one constantly skipping CD and a product that had to be replaced each year, makes the iPod awesome. Buying music is so much easier as well.

20. Fedoras: What I really hate is that these hats have gone the by way of being everyday awesome wear like Frank Sinatra, Tom Landry, and Indiana Jones. Now only tools that wear Affliction and Ed Hardy shirts and rhinestone crusted jeans wear these awesome hats. They should be worn with suits and whips.

19. Advil: I may have killed myself during some pretty awful hangovers had I not had a bottle of this candy.

18. TV: Who doesn't love TV?

17. Cloning: One day I will definitely have 6 clones of myself, and I will only go out on Saturdays.

16. Flux Capacitor: I'm fully aware that this invention is not complete. But I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the greatness of Doctor Emmett Brown (pictured).

15. Gunpowder: This made hunting, warfare, and life a lot easier.

14. Cable TV: Seeing side boob, hearing the word penis, and maybe seeing a brief glimpse of untanned ass, makes for much better TV.

13. Cotton Gin: This may be in bad taste, but it made certain people's lives a little easier, and helped the southern United States become a powerhouse in the trade of King Cotton.

12. Airplanes: They have made travel fun and exciting. They have made terrorism and kidnapping a little easier. And they made the Mile High Club something more fun than just having sex in Denver. The whole terrorism thing drops it down lower on the list.

11. Telescopes: Seeing things really far away is just cool.

10. Porn on DVD: Do I really need to explain this to you guys?

9. Beer: Our population is over 6 Billion on this planet because of this tasty and intoxicating drink. It's been helping poor and unattractive men get laid for thousands of years. Maybe this should be higher on the list.

8. Money: Like beer this has made sex somewhat easier. It also makes buying beer easier, and suits and cars, etc. This could very easily be number 1.

7. Viagra: OK so, the last couple of thins have been related to making sex easier. People still want to do it when they get old don't they?

6. Phones/Cell Phones: The telegraph, letters, email, and texting are great, but talking is quicker and easier. iPhones are also cool.

5. Toilet Paper: Raw asses all over the world are thankful for this fantastic product. While the toilet should be in this spot, I'd have no problem shitting in the woods or in a bucket if I had a roll of triple ply. In 2 years I believe that this great invention will be 150 years old.

4. Suits: Fashion all over the world and throughout its history has been interesting, from togas to corsets. But in my opinion the suit is the best looking, sharpest form of dress. I think everyone should own at least one suit. I prefer at least one for each day of the weak. This includes tuxedos.

3. Lightsabers: Another invention of the future, yes. But how awesome will they be? Anyone who hasn't seen Star Wars and doesn't know what a lightsaber is, you died before before 1977.

2. The Condom: AIDS, Herpes, unplanned pregnancies... These things are very tough on life. So even if the Catholic Church likes all these things, Captain Awesome sure doesn't.

1. The Internet: What can this invention not do? College, shopping, cigars, alcohol, brides, porn, blogs, email, chat rooms, fantasy sports, viruses, software, hardware, google, twitter, facebook, news. All in one place. I am also aware that the computer did not make this list. I am combing the computer with the Internet. Enjoy

Olympic Medals

2010-01-17T15:09:00.001-06:00

So, the 2010 Winter Olympics are coming up. So I've decided to take time to enlighten my readers with the true difference between winning a bronze, silver, or gold medal. You see it really doesn't have much to do with being the best at something. Confused? Read on.

BRONZE MEDALISTS:

Here is the deal, most people in the world will be nothing more than a winner of the bronze. Why? Well it's simple, when I refer to winning Olympic medals, I'm talking about sexual achievement in any given night.

Winning a bronze is simple. All you have to do is have sex with a single partner in any given night. Now oral sex is not counted in this. There must be some form of penetration that occurs. If I had to throw a number out there, I'd say 90% of the world is content winning a bronze in the Olympics. Of course it is better than no medal at all...

So it's pretty simple, I really don't have to explain what the last two medals are, but I will anyway because it's my blog.

SILVER MEDALISTS:

There are two different ways to win the silver. You can do it the more common way, and that is by having a threesome with two other people. For a guy, he would have to be with two girls, and for a girl, she would have to have two dudes delving into her nether region with their dividing rods.

There of course is also, the sex with two different partners in a night at separate occasions. And let me digress to point out, that it does not technically have to be in one night. A twenty-four hour time period begins upon the penetration of the first. And if you have sex with another person within that time period, you are now a silver medalist.

If you are just a silver medalist, don't fret, because you are in good company. Captain Awesome himself is only a silver medalist...for now...

GOLD MEDALIST:

Of course by now you are aware what it will take to win the gold.

More than two sexual partners in a twenty-four hour time span, and boom. You've got the gold.

If you are walking down the street and happen upon a foursome with three lovely ladies, well then my friend, you are either Hugh Hefner, or you just joined an elite club of gold medalists.

One day, I will hopefully become a member of this club. It would be more rewarding than say, the Nobel Peace Prize (of course they give that out for doing nothing these days...). Anyway, keep working toward the goal, and if you are a gold medalist, tell your story because you are awesome.

Nothing Wrong with Being Average...

2010-01-11T22:28:00.000-06:00

Well since I have been deeply involved with learning what it will take to be a lawyer, I figure I should post a blog on a topic that anyone considering law school would be into. Grades.

I just finished my first semester. Class started back up today, and I finally got all my grades back, though no class rankings yet.

My grades for this first semester were a B, three B-'s, and a C. It doesn't get much average than that. I didn't excel in any class, and I didn't do awful in any class. From what I'm told, I shouldn't worry. So I'm not. I'm going to continue to work and hope I can pull a few A's out of this semester. I have been told of a good way to look at grades though, that may help those of you who may be upset by your grades, who may be considering law school, etc.

A students become professors.
B students become judges.
C students stay lawyers.
D students don't graduate.

I have know idea where that comes from, or if it is true, but I liked it. Maybe I'll prosecute a few years, become a judge (like the one pictured: Kenesaw Mountain Landis), then move into becoming a congressman and then a senator.

If you are in law school and got better grades than me, well congrats. Hopefully one day I'll meet you in court and make you look stupid, because while my studying and test taking skills are below your par and are only average, I do have exemplary oral skills... and yes I did intend that pun...

Stay Awesome.

Happy 2010

2010-01-01T21:10:00.000-06:00

Happy new year bitches. A new decade for our decadence.

Be awesome in 2010.

More pussy college football players.

2009-12-29T13:24:00.000-06:00

Well ESPN and another pussy ass college athlete will likely be getting another coach fired. Good luck Mike Leach, looks like you should have jumped ship from that shit hole in Lubbock when you had the chance.

You and Mangino should get together and build your own football team and school. I bet the two of you could put together a pretty kickass team. I would even donate money to pay for uniforms, or I would teach at your college...

Does anyone else think it's ironic that the player who is a little bitch is the son of a ESPN employee and sports analyst?

I'm so fucking sick of this shit. He is probably making this shit up to get more air time. Once again, fuck ESPN. Being in the dark for a concussion is a good thing. Fucking idiots.

Dear Mark Mangino & ESPN (part 2), and Univ. of Kansas,

2009-12-04T00:41:00.000-06:00

Dear Mark Mangino,

I fought for you buddy. It blows. My new goal is to get you hired as the Univ. of North Texas coaching job. They can't hold on to that shitfuck Dodge forever.

Hell Dickey should still be the coach. That school of which I am an alumni is run by idiots, so on second thought, you don't want to coach there. Of course Wade Phillips may be gone in a few weeks...

Keep on being a coach.

Sincerely,

Captain Awesome

Letter 2:

Dear ESPN,

Do you fuckfaces really have to keep up this shit? Your job is to talk sports. You got a good football coach fired. Now look what you're doing to Tiger Woods.

Tiger is a golfer. So ESPN, your job is to talk about what he is doing out on the links. It is not your job to talk about him banging some other slut. If I gave a shit who Tiger Woods was banging, I'd read the National Fucking Enquirer. When I want to see what's going on in the sports world, I watch ESPN.

But nooooo. You have fuckface anchors that don't know enough about sports, so they are now in the gossip scene. As of this minute they are talking about Hines Ward talking about how Big Ben (who has his own awesome sex stories) and how he should have played.

If Ben wants to be a pussy, fine. The NFL is full of them. I played in the same game on the two separate occasions of my concussions, one in football and one in baseball. You want to know why I did it? Cause I'm not a fucking shitbreath pussy that complains about a headache. I take some Advil and kick ass.

You shouldn't be talking about what Hines Ward said ESPN, you should be talking about how the NFL should be called the NPL. For those of you who have no idea what NPL stands for, it the National Pussy League. If I were getting paid millions of dollars to throw and hand off footballs, I wouldn't be a little bitch about a headache because some meanie on the other side hit me hard...

Anyway, ESPN, please go back to being a sports network.

Sincerely,

Captain Awesome

Letter 3:

Dear University of Kansas,

Why the fuck would you fire a coach that gave you a shot at having a decent football team (I'm aware it was a "resignation")?

Oh is it because you have no idea what a football coach does? Or is it that you fuckheads watch the fuckasses on ESPN?

You and the people that run North Texas athletics should get together and swap stories or something.

Sincerely,

Captain Awesome

No Shave November part 2

2009-11-30T19:05:00.000-06:00

So for those of you are may have tried and failed, or tried and succeeded, or didn't try at all...

Well have no fear because Captain Awesome succeeded. I have gone 30 solid days without the touch of a razor. I kind of like it... (see picture)

This may lead to a continuation. Can there be a No Shave December? Of course there can. Will I do it? Well maybe for a little while. I don't know if I'm gonna stay at the Hard Rock in Vegas, or go out on NYE as Grizzly Adams, but I think I may go through law school finals without shaving.

Speaking of law school finals, they began today as I had a 24 hour, 2,500 word Civil Procedure final. I came in at 2,412, I see it as an almost perfect paper. It better be too, since it's worth 100% of my grade...

I also have completed my 200 beers at Flying Saucer and I will be immortalized in the "Ring of Honor" as I get my plate on the wall. I would like to thank Wells Fargo for supplying me with the student loans to pay for the beers, though a year of working helped out too. I would also like to thank Texas Wesleyan Law School for being six blocks from the Fort Worth Flying Saucer and for being a reason for me to drink. I must also thank Negro Willie for being a drinking buddy as he is also in his quest to finish 200. And I guess I should thank my family for supporting my love of beer habit, and Flying Saucer for being so awesome.

If you are in Fort Worth, Texas and happen to be downtown on December 18th, stop by and congratulate Captain Awesome and bask in the awesomeness that he is. Just don't forget to suit up!

Dear Mark Mangino & ESPN,

2009-11-20T11:49:00.000-06:00

Here are two letters I am working on, enjoy:

Letter 1:

Dear Mark Mangino,

I am totally on your side. Here is why:

You are a college football coach. It is your job, to yell scream, bitch, curse, and insult your players. It is not your job to coddle some pussies and cunts. Those cockfucks are college athletes, and football players at that. They are getting a free fucking education to play football at an extremely high level. If they don't like being insulted and yelled at for playing like shit, or making stupid fucktards, then they should be at home in some shit town in Kansas or Nebraska, or Oklahoma, working at a fucking Sonic.

You are a hard working football coach. You could probably cut back on the sweets a little, but it's not your job to apologize to some pansy ass football players who can't take aggressive criticism.

In conclusion, keep on being an ass and never apologize. I hope you keep your job. I am now a Kansas football fan because you are coaching the right way. You don't coach like a little bitch. Just don't beat your wife like that Cable guy in Oakland. When Wade Phillips is fired from the Cowboys, I want to throw you name into the Dallas hat for coaching. Though Tony Romo is a little bitch, so you'll have to whip into shape.

Yours Truly,

Captain Awesome

Letter 2:

Dear ESPN,

Fucking leave Mangino alone for god-sakes. The guy is coaching his ass off for players that can't play for shit. He has every right to make sure they know.

Also, why the fuck is Chris Berman still working for ESPN if you are going to be little cunts to football coaches who are happen to say things that are rude to people. If you don't know what I am talking about watch this video.

Chris Berman is a horrible sports anchor that nobody likes. In fact 80% of the tools on ESPN don't belong there. They don't know sports. They get facts and names incorrect all the fucking time. You need sports fans doing that shit. On some fag that spent 4 years in college getting a shitty communication degree and decided sports would be "fun" even though he never played or watched any sporting events, and his father doesn't love him because he throws like a girl. Mike Greenberg and Tony Kornheiser, yes I am talking about you.

In conclusion, your programming blows. I only watch Sportscenter because you have a monopoly on the sports programming market. Maybe one day you and Disney and ABC will figure out how to hire the right people to talk sports on the TV and radio. So until then, go fuck yourselves and leave head coaches who yell, and cuss, and abuse alone. They have every right to do that.

Sincerely,

Captain Awesome

No Shave November

2009-10-29T18:59:00.001-05:00

So I am still working on that fantasically hilarious blog for my readership, but right now I want to tell you about something else...No Shave November...

No Shave November is a thing of manliness and beastliness in which men (and some women) go the whole month without a razor touching any part of you skin. This is done for several reasons:

To make those guys who shave all their body hair feel like less of men, because they aren't manly, they are just tools.
Because beards are awesome, and it gives you a good reason to get a good one going.
To support research and awareness of testicular cancer.

What you do is on October 31st (or a day or 2 earlier) you shave off your beard if you have one, or just shave your stubble or whatnot. Only a mustache is allowed at the start, and then you just don't shave until December 1st. This includes: back, arm, chest, leg, shoulder, facial, and head hair. NO FUCKING RAZORS!

So for whatever reason you choose to partake, do it and don't pussy out.

Yours Truly, Captain Awesome, a support of testicular cancer awareness. (pictured)

Trying to Unlock My Inner Hemingway

2009-10-20T17:37:00.000-05:00

So it has clearly been a long time since I have posted as my black friend Negro Willie (pictured) has pointed out. If you read this blog, then you know that I am currently in law school. This has kept me from really being inspired from writing something clever. I have been buried in casebooks reading hundreds of pages, writing papers, and learning what it will take to be a practicing lawyer. For those of you who may be unaware, lawyers are a different kind of writers...

Writing has come tough, because I feel like I have lost my creative and clever ability to make people laugh. I can now only write rules, applications, and thesis sentences. I have decided I am going to budget some more time to really put together some solid blog writing. The people who I know that read this blog have told me that I do write some good and clever blogs, so I am going to make an effort to put out some quality work.

I am going to delve in deep and bring out my inner Hemingway. I am going to write something like I am fucking Hunter S. Thompson. It may take some time, but I am going to astonish your readers with something good. If I don't dazzle you with my wits, well in a few years I'll have that legal background to fall back on.

So If you haven't read all the past blogs, then go ahead and look back at some of them, maybe you can be re-dazzled...

Not this week

2009-09-24T17:56:00.001-05:00

Sorry, but there isn't a Ménage à trois for this week. I will be blogging about Oktoberfest, but I'm waiting till the weekend.

Sorry if this upsets you.

-Captain Awesome

Ménage à trois

2009-09-17T16:28:00.000-05:00

Defensive Driving blows.
On this day in 1787, the Constitution of the United States of America is signed by 38 of 41 delegates present at the conclusion of the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia. Supporters of the document waged a hard-won battle to win ratification by the necessary nine out of 13 U.S. states.
On this day in 1862, Confederate General Robert E. Lee's Army of Northern Virginia and Union General George B. McClellan's Army of the Potomac fight to a standstill along a Maryland creek on the bloodiest day in American history. Although the battle was a tactical draw, it forced Lee to end his invasion of the North and retreat back to Virginia.

Short this week, I know, but Oktoberfest is this weekend, so a good blog may be on the way.

Fire Ron Washington

2009-09-16T18:58:00.000-05:00

I have been leading this train since he was interviewed. Why won't the Rangers listen. He knows nothing of managing baseball, all he knows is fielding instruction. Knowing that when managing a big league team is like knowing to hit your best hitter third.

Fire Ron Washington. I mean look at this guy. He clearly doesn't know anything about baseball. He looks like a guy they grabbed off the streets who they felt bad for and so they gave him a job.

Worthless and unawesome. He might have been highered to please Kanye West.

Fucking Kanye West

2009-09-14T23:24:00.000-05:00

Of course I have to blog about that shit (even though I didn't see it live, I just got wind of it via facebook after the fact, thanks to TMZ, I did see the video though). It will be short, but wow...

I think the best quote I've read is, "Kanye West is just a big gay fish."

Why does he hate white people? Is it because Taylor sings country music, so he assumes she is a racist? Probably, I mean the guy probably pulled the same shit when KFC went grilled on his ass. And he probably only would go off on KFC for going grilled because he knows white people like grilled chicken. Well I got news for you Kanye, white people like fried chicken too you racist fuck.

Is it sad that in a matter of moments the guy can lose all credibility in the world just for being a racist cockbag? Probably, I will say, I wish I had supported 50 Cent in the top seller contest they had a few years back. Can I get a recount?

Well I guess this leads to another point...Why is it ok for black people to be racist, but not white people? Is the only reason because of the history of the world? Fuck that shit.

Either way Kanye will probably experience some black on black crime soon anyway, unless "Wolf" from American Gladiators finds him first.

So not awesome Kanye, you fucktard. Did I mention that I love Taylor Swift? She is awesome.

Ménage à trois

2009-09-10T15:27:00.000-05:00

So, I have not been writing all that much, I know. Law School has kept me fairly busy in reading, and in my free time, I haven't really felt the want or need to take the time to make this blog good. I will do my best to keep Ménage à trois going, but as for other blogs, they will be few and far between until Christmas break. Anyway, here is today's Ménage à trois...

September 10, 1931, Crime boss Salvatore Maranzano is shot and stabbed to death in New York City by four men working for Charles "Lucky" Luciano, one of the flashiest figures in organized crime. At one time, Luciano was living at the Waldorf Astoria and taking in over a million dollars a year, while declaring only a small income. He was always seen with a Broadway showgirl on his arm, although he reportedly had a fondness for prostitutes in private.
On this day in 1833, President Andrew Jackson announces that the government will no longer use the Second Bank of the United States, the country’s national bank. He then used his executive power to remove all federal funds from the bank, in the final salvo of what is referred to as the "Bank War."
Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.

Ménage à trois

2009-09-03T18:32:00.000-05:00

On this day in 1939, in response to Hitler's invasion of Poland, Britain and France, both allies of the overrun nation declare war on Germany. The first casualty of that declaration was not German-but the British ocean liner Athenia, which was sunk by a German U-30 submarine that had assumed the liner was armed and belligerent. There were more than 1,100 passengers on board, 112 of whom lost their lives. Of those, 28 were Americans, but President Roosevelt was unfazed by the tragedy, declaring that no one was to "thoughtlessly or falsely talk of America sending its armies to European fields." The United States would remain neutral.
Charlie Sheen is 44 today. That guy plays nothing but awesome characters, so I think you should have a drink for him.
I graduated from the same university (University of North Texas) as Roy Orbison, Thomas Hayden Church, Peter Weller, and Dr. Phil (pictured).

A Captain Awesome Music Review

2009-08-31T15:03:00.001-05:00

So the last time I did a music review, I reviewed several albums that had recently come out by several of my favorite musicians. Today, a new release from my all time favorite band came out (I had it downloaded last night around 10:30 courtesy of iTunes).

The Black Crowes released Before the Frost today. This is the second studio release since the band got back together in 2005 after a 4 year hiatus. If you purchase the CD in stores you'll get a download code for a second album titled Until the Freeze. If you use iTunes, then you'll get both downloaded together. This was done as a goodwill gesture to the fans of the Crowes over the years. Since I am only doing one album review today, I will put together my own Black Crowes greatest hits list that you can download, which in my opinion will be a little different then the one they released about 10 years ago. Anyway on to the review...

The Black Crowes- Before the Frost... Until the Freeze

Grade: A

It's hard to write a review of your favorite bands, particularly because you'll like just about everything they put out. I, to this day have yet to hear anything from several bands anything I just hated. This is extremely true in the case of the Black Crowes. I have seen them live in concert eight times, in 3 different states, and in 5 different cities. I saw them before they took they're hiatus, and several times after. I even had tickets when they were touring with Jimmy Page, but the Dallas show was cancelled... Needless to say I enjoy the southern rock sounds of the Crowes. The two studio albums released in the last two years though have had a different sound then the Crowes music before. Warpaint was an average at best release and seemed to point to a lack of trying in a way towards the Crowes. In fact if you remember, Rolling Stone was giving it bad reviews even before they heard it. While it had it's moments, overall as a Crowes fan, it was disappointing in comparison to albums like Shake Your Money Maker, Amorica, and the Southern Harmony and Musical Companion.

The new release shows hints of all their collective works. Warpaint showed a lot of country hints in it, and Before the Frost is no different. They have ventured away from the riff rock and blues combination they became known for in songs like "Hard to Handle", "Remedy", and "Jealous Again." They have really come to terms with their southern roots. They have taken those guitar riffs, the blues lyrics, and infused it with a little pedal steel guitar and turned it into a southern rock country album with some hints of bluegrass and blues. Just play the track "Garden Gate" and you can immediately feel and hear the bluegrass sound that the Crowes have brought us in this album. It makes you feel like the songs could have been written and released while they were performing in Atlanta during the Civil War in the 1860's. This though is not what you get from every single song. It is a good mix of music from the Crowes, and quite enjoyable.

I recommend this album to anyone who is a Crowes fan of course, but I think if you like any of the following genres, then you need to listen to this album. If you like: country, bluegrass, blues, rock, southern rock, you will find yourself enjoying these sounds. Just think James Taylor meets Bob Dylan meets Garth Brooks meets Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young meets Led Zeppelin meets Robert Johnson... You get it all, and so I think you should jump onto iTunes, or run over to Best Buy, or Walmart and pick this bad boy up. You'll even hear a few hints of the old Crowes in some of the songs, like "Greenhorn." Just do yourself and pick it up, now for that Greatest Hits...

Captain Awesome's Greatest Hits for the Black Crowes:

1. "Seeing Things"- Shake Your Money Maker

2. "She Talks to Angels"- Shake Your Money Maker

3. "Thorn in my Pride"- Southern Harmony and Musical Companion

4. "Sometimes Salvation" - Southern Harmony and Musical Companion

5. "My Morning Song"- Southern Harmony and Musical Companion

6. "Nonfiction"- Amorica

7. "Ballad in Urgency"- Amorica

8. "Wiser Time"- Amorica

9. "Descender"- Amorica

10. "Good Friday"- Three Snakes and One Charm

11. "How Much For Your Wings?"- Three Snakes and One Charm

12. "Welcome to the Goodtimes"- By Your Side

13. "No Use Lying"- Lions

14. "Soul Singing"- Lions

15. "Miracle to Me"- Lions

16. "Wee Who See the Deep"- Warpaint

17. "I Ain't Hiding"- Before the Frost

18. "Houston Don't Dream About Me"- Before the Frost

Well there you have it, and yes I am aware that I am leaving off some of their most popular songs like "Remedy", "Jealous Again", "Twice as Hard", "Only a Fool", and "Hard to Handle." I did this because while they were popular songs and are good songs, they would not in my opinion be classified as the BEST (but still very good) Black Crowes songs, just some of the most popular. I hope you try and download some of these songs, they are a good collection of The Black Crowes, who are an awesome band...

Ménage à trois

2009-08-27T15:07:00.000-05:00

Well it's a special occasion today, because well... This edition of Ménage à trois is the 99th blog post for Captain Awesome (pictured). I know, on that rainy and cold December morning in 2008, you never would have thought that Captain Awesome would have kept this going on for as long as he had. Well if you thought that, you aren't awesome. If you had faith in the Captain, you are indeed awesome. Anyway, wish me some congratulations or something. Anyway, I wanted to point out my 99th post, well because everyone talks about their 100th post, and I wanted to break that trend. My 100th post will come soon, but not today.
On this day in 1904, Newport, Rhode Island, imposed the first jail sentence for a speeding violation on this day. This was a harsh sentence in 1904 because traffic laws were still relatively new--the first traffic code wasn't implemented until 1903, when New York introduced a two-page book of regulations. Early traffic regulations varied drastically from state to state, some having no speed limits at all.
Ironically, on this day in 1938, Captain George Eyston established a new land speed record of 345.49mph when he sailed over the Bonneville Salt Flats in Utah in a Rolls-Royce-powered Thunderbolt. The land-speed trials have been held every year since 1903, serving as a test of automotive technology and proof of climbing speeds. Captain Eyston's record was especially memorable, for it was one of the few years that the record was not held by Malcolm Campbell, who dominated the trials for almost 30 years. The current record is held by Andy Green at 763.035mph.

Fantasy Football is in the air.

2009-08-25T17:25:00.000-05:00

So everyone who has a penis, and even a few with a vagina, they know that they have to set aside at least 1 day toward the end of August every year. Why you ask? Well football season is upon us at that point. Even more important, the new fantasy football season is upon us.

While I have yet to find any real success in the playoffs in recent years (I finished third two years ago), I feel that after the draft I have the best team for success this year. I have decided to let you readers evaluate my picks. I held the 9th pick overall out of a 12 team league, in a draft that is set up to snake. So here we go:

Scoregasm (2009)

Round, (Pick):

1, (9): LaDainian Tomlinson, RB (SD) (pictured)

2, (16): Brian Westbrook, RB (PHI)

3, (33): Jason Witten, TE (DAL)

4, (40): T.J. Houshmandzadeh, WR (SEA)

5, (57): Carson Palmer, QB (CIN)

6, (64): Santana Moss, WR (WAS)

7, (81): Jerricho Cotchery, WR (NYJ)

8, (88): Larry Johnson, RB (KC)

9, (105): Dallas, DEF/ST (DAL)

10, (112): Matt Hasselbeck, QB (SEA)

11, (129): Patrick Crayton, WR (DAL)

12, (136): Sebastian Janikowski, K (OAK)

13, (153): Laurence Maroney, RB (NE)

14, (160): Todd Heap, TE (BAL)

I feel like I have the best starting lineup potential. Health I think will be a huge issue. The health of Carson Palmer, Matt Hasselbeck, Brian Westbrook, and of course LaDainian Tomlinson. They are going to be my key players this season, and they all have dealt with some form of injury of the past year. Either way, I smell championship. This team is awesome, but then again I am Captain Awesome. I will keep updates throughout the year and let you know how awesome I am doing.

Another note, I have survived week one of law school, and I am starting to get into full gear on that shit now. Of course I keep putting off my reading tonight. As I finish this I will be reading Property and Torts for class tomorrow. I am starting to get the hang of briefing cases. Good start.

Ménage à trois

2009-08-20T16:26:00.000-05:00

On this day in 1920, seven men, including legendary all-around athlete and football star Jim Thorpe, meet to organize a professional football league at the Jordan and Hupmobile Auto Showroom in Canton, Ohio. The meeting led to the creation of the American Professional Football Conference (APFC), the forerunner to the hugely successful National Football League. The APFA began play on September 26, with the Rock Island Independents of Illinois defeating a team from outside the league, the St. Paul Ideals, 48-0. A week later, Dayton beat Columbus 14-0 in the first game between two teams from the APFA, the forerunner of the modern NFL.
On this day in 1989, Lyle and Erik Menendez (pictured) shoot their parents, Jose and Kitty, to death in the den of the family's Beverly Hills, California, home. They then drove up to Mulholland Drive, where they dumped their shotguns before continuing to a local movie theater to buy tickets as an alibi. When the pair returned home, Lyle called 911 and cried, "Somebody killed my parents!" The Menendez murders became a national sensation when the new television network, Court TV, broadcast the trial in 1993.
There are several celebrity birthdays today, so I'm going to wish them a happy one. Well first is Demi Lovato, who is actually from Dallas. So that's pretty awesome, but she is only 17, so that's not. A better birthday wish next year maybe? But also Amy Adams, Robert Plant, Fred Durst, and Al Roker. The late Issac Hayes would also have had a birthday today, but we lost him last August.

Pudge is a Ranger Again...

2009-08-19T09:04:00.000-05:00

So, I feel like I have to be a true Rangers fan again. I've been fighting it all year, as I have stated in previous blogs that the Texas Rangers are the most frustrating team to be a fan. Well as of yesterday, they are on the path of redemption. They made a deal to get Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez, the possibly greatest player in Rangers history. And yes I am aware that Nolan Ryan pitched for the Rangers, etc.

Anyway, I am back on board the Rangers train. I know I've said they had to make the playoffs to get me back as a fan (even though I am featured in Fox Sports "Built For Fun" Texas Rangers commercial (if you see it, I'm the focus of the "Built for Sound" portion holding a drum). If I can find a link of that video, I'll post it, but if you watch the games, then you'll eventually see it.

Well I'll leave it at that. Good luck Pudge, I hope you take the starting job from Teagarden and lead the Rangers to the "Promise Land" as you did the Tigers and Marlins...

Learning the Law

2009-08-14T14:16:00.000-05:00

This will be short, as there is really not a lot to say.

I started law school today. It will be a whole new world, and in three years time, expect to see Captain Awesome either sending you or keeping you out of prison for crimes you may or may not have committed.

If you have any advice or information, feel free to lend it to me. Anyway, like I said, short and sweet. I will be back soon with a tantalizing new post on some savory cigars soon.

Ménage à trois

2009-08-13T10:06:00.000-05:00

Former New York Yankees star Mickey Mantle (pictured) dies of liver cancer at the age of 63. While "The Mick" patrolled center field and batted clean-up between 1951 and 1968, the Yankees won 12 American League pennants and seven World Series championships. Although he received a liver transplant, by then the cancer had spread to his lungs, and he died at just after 2 a.m. on August 13, 1995, at the Baylor University Cancer Center in Dallas. At the time of his death Mantle held many of the records for World Series play, including most home runs (18), most RBIs (40) and most runs (42).
Fidel Castro, who of course is known for his love of baseball and cigars, turns 83 today. I guess that is kind of cool. He shares his birthday with Alfred Hitchcock and Annie Oakley.
Shortly after midnight on this day in 1961, East German soldiers begin laying down barbed wire and bricks as a barrier between Soviet-controlled East Berlin and the democratic western section of the city. After World War II, defeated Germany was divided into Soviet, American, British and French zones of occupation. The city of Berlin, though technically part of the Soviet zone, was also split, with the Soviets taking the eastern part of the city. After a massive Allied airlift in June 1948 foiled a Soviet attempt to blockade West Berlin, the eastern section was drawn even more tightly into the Soviet fold. Over the next 12 years, cut off from its western counterpart and basically reduced to a Soviet satellite, East Germany saw between 2.5 million and 3 million of its citizens head to West Germany in search of better opportunities. By 1961, some 1,000 East Germans--including many skilled laborers, professionals and intellectuals--were leaving every day.

Celebrating the Captain

2009-08-09T19:25:00.001-05:00

So how does Captain Awesome celebrate his birthday you ask? Well he binges like no other. This proved true this year as well. I would love to recant the night with charm and wit to make a funny story, but to be honest I can't. I drank heavily throughout the day, and in the process of killing memory cells in the brain and further damaging my liver. So now for the highlights of the binge.

1:00pm: We went to Rahr & Sons Brewery in Fort Worth and had a couple of big beers a little price.

4:00pm: We hung out at the pool and had a few beers.

6:30pm: We had burgers and beers at the Love Shack/White Elephant (where they filmed parts of Walker, Texas Ranger)

9:00pm: Pregame drinking at the apartment before walking to Sundance Square, I switched to scotch from beer.

10:00pm: Arrived in Sundance, started at Durty Murphy's. The good people of Marlboro gave us free Zippo's and cigarettes.

11:00pm: We went to Vice on Shea's urging were he, Tanner, Crystal, and a girl who looked like Amy Winehouse had gone. We were not allowed in do to not being on a list and one guy was out of dress code. We told them to go fuck themselves and we might come back if decide to become douche bags and get Affliction shirts to wear.

11:03pm: We went to the Library. Over the course of the next few hours I probably had onwards close to 15-20 drinks and shots. There was a disagreement with some of the service staff, and so we retreated upon the urging of some Fort Worth police officers.

1:15pm: We decide to finish at the Flying Saucer, I have no recollection of going there, or being there. He was what was recalled by people who had fewer drinks than I:

I slapped some fat girl's ass, and her boyfriend did not take kindly. He apparently tried to fight me, and I just laughed it off. I also told him it was ok because it was my birthday and tried to high five him. They left very unhappy.
My buddy Tim lit one of our free cigarettes up in the non-smoking area. The bartender was not happy about that and said something about putting it out, then said she had told him several times already (she hadn't). She decided, after he didn't put it out, that the police outside should have him leave. They did, and after some nasty words to the bartender, that she took great offense to, we left.
Walking back, I apparently was not walking very well, and had unbuttoned my entire shirt. Some girls thought it was a good idea to hollar at me, so I yelled back. The driver no longer paying attention to the road, apparently rear ended a Lexus in front of them (and remember, I have zero recollection of this event.)
Arriving home, I proceeded to vomit on the downstairs porch of the person on the 1st floor of my complex (I'm on the 4th floor). In between throwing up, I had incoherent and random sputterings about my shirt and where I was at, because I was apparently lost in my own apartment. I'm told it was entertaining. Everyone else was eating my chips and taking pictures.
I proceeded to pass out on my living room floor (picture courtesy of Tim's phone).
An hour later, I awoke to take my vomiting to the bathroom. I then passed out in the bathroom.
Around 5am I awoke and got in bed.

So there you have the semi remembered story of Captain Awesome's birthday binge. I hope you have enjoyed. Next year I may have someone follow us with a video camera so that we have it on film. Anyway, keep on being awesome out there, and maybe one day you can learn to binge in the ways of Captain Awesome, or something like that.

Captain Awesome's Cigar Reviews: Kinky Friedman Cigars

2009-08-07T10:57:00.000-05:00

Well so, I was in a debate with myself over which cigars to review next. This is partly why I did not post Wednesday, but now I am posting on Friday. After debate, I have decided to go with Kinky Friedman cigars, mostly because I have recently smoked them with Kinky personally. I will give a short review on his five main cigar lines. Well let's get it started, so you can go out and be awesome smoking some Kinky's...

I'll start with the basics of all 5 of the cigars and then I'll get into a little detail of each. They all have a similar blend that feature a Habano wrapper grown in Honduras from Cuban seed, a medium bodied filler with tobacco from Honduras and Nicaragua, and the binder is Costa Rican. The first tastes of these cigars is generally going to be spicy and then it will move into a creamy flavor with hints of coffee and cocoa. Now on to the individual cigars.

The Governor:

This is a Toro Gordo, it's a thick ring gauge that provides a powerful smoke that burns cool from increased airflow. It's a mellowing medium to full smoke and is the largest ring gauge in the collection.

Price: Around $14

Kinkycristo:

The Kinkycristo is a torpedo modeled after the Monte Cristo number 2, and this cigar concentrates the flavors onto the tip of the tongue. It has a bit more spiciness then the other cigars and is modeled after the Cuban blends of the Monte Cristo line. This cigar comes from decades of Kinky smoking Cuban cigars.

Price: Around $10

The Willie:

This is a different type of cigar all around. It has a twist head and a shaggy foot of tobacco for an easy light. The first few puffs allow for the creamy part to overtake the spicy flavor and over time you get back into the coffee and cocoa flavors. The shaggy lighting is meant to represent the red beard (as it is a reddish tobacco) of Willie Nelson. This is a fantastic smoke.

Price: Around $8.50

Texas Jewboy:

This is another torpedo in the Kinky line, but this is a larger ring gauge than the Kinkycristo. This larger cigar allows for more tobacco leaves, and so it makes this a more complex cigar. The torpedo shape allows you to concentrate on certain flavors at a time as opposed to tasting a blend of flavors.

Price: Around $9

The Utopian:

This is a traditional corona made in the classic entubar style allowing for a long relaxing and enjoyable smoke. You could say it's Utopia. The profit from the sales of this cigar go toward the benefit of Kinky's Utopia Animal Rescue Ranch. This makes it Captain Awesome's choice of the Kinky lines to smoke.

Price: Around $7.50

Overall I enjoy and recommend everyone give these cigars a try. My favorite smokes, are the Willie and the Utopian, but the Governor is also an extremely enjoyable smoke. These cigars are not just a joke or an attempt at publicity for the man trying his luck at the seat of governor in the state of Texas, but these are genuinely a grand smoke. Check them out, and try each. Rumor from Kinky's lips himself is that he has a new cigar coming out this month. I may be able to give you a review on that at a later date. Hopefully this one is helpful, and remember if you live in Texas, vote Kinky for Governor in 2010, I mean, "Why the Hell not?"

Ménage à trois

2009-08-06T12:24:00.000-05:00

Well first and foremost, the most important order of business of today's ménage à trois, well today, August 6th, is Captain Awesome's (pictured) birthday. Yes that is correct, today is my birthday, so send me some sweet gifts or love.
Other famous birthday's today include M. Night Shyamalan, David Robinson, Lucille Ball, Andy Warhol, and Geri Halliwell (Ginger Spice). Of course, Captain Awesome is still the most important of the day...
August 6, 1945, the United States becomes the first and only nation to use atomic weaponry during wartime when it drops an atomic bomb on the Japanese city of Hiroshima. Though the dropping of the atomic bomb on Japan marked the end of World War II, many historians argue that it also ignited the Cold War. Since 1940, the United States had been working on developing an atomic weapon, after having been warned by Albert Einstein that Nazi Germany was already conducting research into nuclear weapons. By the time the United States conducted the first successful test (an atomic bomb was exploded in the desert in New Mexico in July 1945), Germany had already been defeated. The war against Japan in the Pacific, however, continued to rage. President Harry S. Truman, warned by some of his advisers that any attempt to invade Japan would result in horrific American casualties, ordered that the new weapon be used to bring the war to a speedy end. On August 6, 1945, the American bomber Enola Gay dropped a five-ton bomb over the Japanese city of Hiroshima. A blast equivalent to the power of 15,000 tons of TNT reduced four square miles of the city to ruins and immediately killed 80,000 people. Tens of thousands more died in the following weeks from wounds and radiation poisoning. Three days later, another bomb was dropped on the city of Nagasaki, killing nearly 40,000 more people. A few days later, Japan announced its surrender.

Living Downtown

2009-08-04T11:12:00.000-05:00

So it has been a few days since I posted anything, and well that's because I just got internet. But I am completely moved to Fort Worth, and I am living in a pretty badass apartment in a great location.

Being able to walk to Flying Saucer has been nice, and the whole Sundance Square area is awesome.

There is not really a lot in this blog, just information on why I took a few days off from any significant post. Tomorrow will have a new installment of Captain Awesome's Guide to Cigars, and Thursday will have it's normal post of Ménage à trois. So just keep on being awesome until then.

Baseball Midway Point.

2009-07-31T19:47:00.000-05:00

Well, since the non-waiver trade deadline is here in the big leagues, I figure I'll run through my preseason picks and see where I stand. There were a flurry of trades and some big names got moved, though my Rangers couldn't land Halladay after their hard push last night. Jake Peavy is moving to the Windy City, Victor Martinez is in Bean Town, Cliff Lee is now part of that Fraternal Love Fest in the city of Brotherly Love, and Matt Holliday (pictured) is a Red Bird. How does this affect my predictions? Well let's check it out.

Here are my opening day predictions:

AL West: Texas Rangers

AL Central: Detroit Tigers

AL East: Tampa Bay Rays

AL Wildcard: New York Yankees

NL West: Arizona Diamondbacks

NL Central: Chicago Cubs

NL East: Philadelphia Phillies

NL Wildcard: Los Angeles Dodgers

World Series: Detroit Tigers v Los Angeles Dodgers

Winner: Tigers in 6

Now let's check out where they are now.

AL West: Rangers are 3 games behind Anaheim, and 1.5 games behind Boston in the Wild Card

AL Central: Detroit is up by 2 games.

AL East: Yankees by 2.5 games, Tampa is 7 games back

AL Wildcard: Yankees lead the East.

NL West: Clearly the DBacks were a horrible pick at 19 games out.

NL Central: Cubs have a .5 game lead on St. Louis.

NL East: 6 game lead for the Phillies

NL Wildcard: Dodgers are the best team in baseball, right now Colorado leads the Wild Card.

So overall, apart from Tampa and Arizona, my picks are all doing pretty good, and Tampa is still in the wildcard race. Let's hope my World Series pick stands. It will make me feel good about myself!

Besides that, I just moved to a nice apartment in Downtown Fort Worth, so if you are ever in the area hit me up and we'll grab a beer over at the Flying Saucer.

Ménage à trois

2009-07-30T09:01:00.000-05:00

July 30, 1932, Walt Disney releases his first cartoon in color. The cartoon, Flowers and Trees, was made in three-color Technicolor; Disney was the only studio that used the process for the next three years, because of an exclusive contract.
The Governator turns 62 today, Hilary Swank is 35, Tom Green is 38, and Lawrence Fishburne is now 48. So happy birthday to those celebrities.
101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie. (See Picture)

Damn You Shreveport

2009-07-27T09:09:00.001-05:00

Dear Shreveport-Bossier City,

I would like you to know how much I hate your damn fucking piece of shit trashy city areas. I'm not just saying that because I spent the night in Bossier City jail a few years back either. I'm not juts saying it because of all the cities in the country that have legalized gambling that I have been to, your is the only one that I have still yet to win at. I'm not saying it's because the fuckass' at the Horseshoe banned me for life from all Harrah's owned casinos.

Wait a minute, that is exactly why I hate your trashy and dirty city. I suppose I probably hate the entire state of Louisiana equally.

In closing, come this hurricane season, if some storms were to stray their way up through the Red River and your city, and all your casinos are destroyed, I won't feel an ounce of sadness. I may even throw a party in honor of the great storm maker, even if that is a little crass on my part, I don't care. Your city and state is the opposite of awesome. You are unawesome.

Sincerely,

J.J. "Captain Awesome" Lanzillo, IV

Ménage à trois

2009-07-23T09:15:00.000-05:00

On this day in 1885, just after completing his memoirs, Civil War hero and former President Ulysses S. Grant dies of throat cancer.
Daniel Radcliffe, the boy who plays Harry Potter, turns 20 today. Monica Lewinsky is now 36, and crazy ole Don Imus (pictured) of racist talk radio fame is 69.
Each of the suits on a deck of cards represents the four major pillars of the economy in the middle ages: heart represented the Church, spades represented the military, clubs represented agriculture, and diamonds represented the merchant class.

Captain Awesome's Cigar Reviews: CAO, Part 2

2009-07-22T09:02:00.000-05:00

Well after a tasting with Kinky Friedman and his own line of cigars, I considered to skip CAO part 2 and write on the Kinky lines, but then I figured I can just do that next. So I will go ahead and continue with part 2 of my review of CAO cigars, and this one will contain 2 of my favorite cigars around. Well let's begin.

CAO Lx2:

Well the Lx2 is probably the heaviest cigar in he CAO line in my opinion. It features a sun grown Nicaraguan wrapper, a Honduran binder, and a filler that has a mixture of ligero tobacco from Nicaragua and the Dominican Republic. The flavors consist of a bittersweet chocolate, a bit if paprika for some spiciness, and some woody flavors. This cigar is less consistent than other CAO products as some cigars are better than others, even in the same box. Though when something is hand rolled, that will happen. Overall, if you are a fan of full bodied sun grown cigars that have an overall spicy flavor, then you will enjoy this cigar. If you don't then I will not recommend this cigar. It is good, but not that good.

Price: Ranges from $6-$15

CAO Italia:

Well, the Italia happens to be one of my favorite cigars, so it is going to get a favorable review. It's a full bodied, robust, dark, and smooth smoke. It has an excellent draw, and is very consistent. The anatomy is Honduran wrappers and binders, and the filler consists of tobacco from Italy (hence the name), Nicaragua, and Peru. The flavor is very earthy and sweet. Your palette will be blasted by a sweet coffee flavor, followed by a cocoa flavor, and it finishes with a brilliant mixture of chocolate, sweet cocoa, and what I think may be caramel, but either way, it is a sweet finish. You will also see notes of herbal flavors throughout the cigar. While this cigar has a full flavor, it is hardly noticeable, so even a beginning smoker will get enjoyment out of an Italia. I have purchased several boxes of the Italia in the "Ciao" size. Clearly I recommend this cigar to everyone.

Price: $4.50-$9.50

CAO Vision:

So, it was pretty clear that I liked the Italia, but let me tell you how much I love the Vision. This is hands down probably my favorite smoke from CAO, and possibly my favorite smoke of any cigar. To top it off, if you by the box, well this box is special, as it is a travel humidor that uses the Sensi-Box technology. The flavors burst out of this medium bodied cigar, and when they pass through your sinuses you just want more. You get bits of cedar, leather, dark cocoa, and roasted nuts. It is a brilliant mixture of flavors, clearly the man in charge of mixing had a vision. The anatomy has the wrapper and binder coming from the Dominican Republic and the filler from the Dominican Republic, Nicaragua, and Brazil. This is a pricey cigar, but it will get you hooked. It is worth breaking out the bank to but a couple of these cigars, of course that is if you can find them anywhere. The box itself, has Vision smokers buying these cigars by the box, meaning that it is hard to keep them in stores if you just wanted to by a couple of cigars. If you get the chance, give the Vision a try. I definitely recommend it.

Price: $14-$20

That is it for the CAO products that I have personally smoked. They have several other cigars in their line such as the Miduro, the Criollo, the Cx2, and the Conmemorativo. Perhaps I will try them eventually, but as of now, I have not made it around to those bad boys. I hope these reviews have helped you learn a little bit about the CAO line, and hopefully you enjoy them as much as I have. Next up, you'll get a review from the Kinky Friedman lines. So until next time, the Captain says to stay awesome.

Captain Awesome's Cigar Reviews: CAO, Part 1

2009-07-17T09:08:00.000-05:00

So, like I have done with gambling, and sex hunting, I am going to go in depth into another subject I am dearly fond of; cigar smoking. I mean cigars are just awesome.

I plan to write reviews of some of the more known and even some lesser known cigar companies. I review the major lines that these companies have released, and I will describe the flavors, and talk about the wrapper, binder, and filler in each cigar. I will only be reviewing cigars that I have personally tried, as it would be bad business to write about something I have no idea if it's good or not. I will include price in U.S. Dollars and if it is worth buying and trying. I hope this is good information to anyone who may want to get into cigar smoking, or if someone wants to try something new, but they aren't sure what they like. I will also spent one post on accessories like punches, cutters, and lighters.

I am going to start off the series with one of my favorite companies, as I have had an extreme majority of their cigar lines. So let's get this series kicked off with CAO. Because of the large amount of cigars I've had of theirs, I will split this up into sections, and the same will probably occur with Rocky Patel. So time to begin.

CAO Brazilia:

To start off, I will begin with the anatomies of the cigars, and the Brazilia has a wrapper that actually comes from Brazil (hence the name). The binder and filler however actually come from Nicaragua. This is a medium to full bodied cigar, but definitely leans heavily toward the full body side. This is a maduro cigar and it has a very good draw to it. The majority of them are consistent and burn evenly, a sign of a well made cigar. Some of the flavors that I seemed to notice, were pepper and a hint of chocolate, though it was a bitter chocolate. It has a very earthly flavor, almost like a woods type flavor. Overall it is a good mixture of flavor that is powerful and this cigar is a must smoke for any maduro lover.

Price: Ranges from $6-$9 depending on size.

CAO Sopranos Edition:

I know what you are already thinking, a Sopranos edition cigar, it has got to be one of the best. Tony Soprano was crazy about the cigars. My answer to that is yes and no. This is another full body cigar, that in regards to flavor, it is quite pleasing. You immediately can notice the coffee and chocolate flavors, but overall the cigar is leathery in flavor. The anatomy is a Brazilian wrapper, a binder from Honduras, and the filler gets it's tobacco from Nicaragua, Dominican Republic, and Colombia. The draw from the cigar is not good at the beginning of the smoke, and I find that many of them need to be loosened up prior to smoking. It rarely burns even, but the flavor can make up for that to a degree. The main line is worth trying once, but the price tag makes it not worth a continued smoke (you are paying for the Soprano's name). The Tony Soprano Limited Edition is another horse on it's own. It boasts the same flavor but the ring gage is much larger, making for a longer smoke. I found more consistency in the limited edition, but for the price their are better cigars. If you like medium to full bodied cigars, give it a try, if you really got into the Sopranos, give it a try. If you are a light cigar guy, avoid it.

Price: $10-$16 for the main line. $20 for the Limited Editon Tony Soprano.

CAO America:

A more recent edition to the CAO line, this double wrapped cigar is quite good. The anatomy has a wrapper that is two different ones grown in Connecticut, a binder grown in Brazil, and the filler comes from Nicaragua, Dominican Republic, Italy, and the United States (Connecticut again). There is no problem with the consistency in the burn, as it burns evenly, which is good considering the double wrap. This is a medium to full cigar, and it has a very good mix of flavors. It is quite a nutty cigar, but it also has a good hint of coffee. There are also hints of a woody flavor, similar to the Brazilia. The last bit of flavor is a leathery flavor, but it is not a strong leather flavor in my opinion until you reach the end of the cigar, then the leather really hits you. If you smoke several cigars a day, this is a good morning cigar to go with a cup of coffee or two. I happen to like to smoke this on the Fourth of July, but that's because I am a proud American. I definitely recommend this cigar, as the price is definitely right.

Price: $6.75-$20 (The $20 price is for the Anthem, a long limited edition version)

CAO Gold:

The anatomy has a wrapper and binder from Ecuador, and a filler from Nicaragua. This is a good value cigar as the price is not too bad. It is a very mild cigar, and has hints of vanilla flavor, as well as a nutty flavor with a bit of oak. Most of the flavor is seen at the beginning of the cigar. The draw is tight at the start, but loosens up after a bit. It burns for the most part evenly, and there is some decent consistency between cigars. I am not a light cigar smoker, but if you are, or you are just starting smoking, this is definitely a good cigar to start on. It has good flavor and smokes well. The price as well makes this a cheap cigar for new cigar smokers. Overall it is a recommended cigar, though it is not something I will purchase myself.

Price: $4.50

Overall I liked these cigars, as I like most everything that CAO puts out. I like their lines, and they are available most everywhere. They have cigars for fans of all different types of cigars, from mild to medium to full, and with flavors ranging from chocolate, almond, coffee, vanilla, and oak. Part 2 will showcase my 2 favorite CAO lines, with 2 others that I have had. So until next time, go out and be awesome, and this time you can be awesome with a good cigar.

Ménage à trois

2009-07-16T08:59:00.000-05:00

On this day in 1790, the young American Congress declares that a swampy, humid, muddy and mosquito-infested site on the Potomac River between Maryland and Virginia will be the nation’s permanent capital. “Washington,” in the newly designated federal “District of Columbia,” was named after the leader of the American Revolution and the country’s first president: George Washington. It was Washington who saw the area’s potential economic and accessibility benefits due to the proximity of navigable rivers.
In Yekaterinburg, Russia, Czar Nicholas II and his family (pictured) are executed by the Bolsheviks, bringing an end to the three-century-old Romanov dynasty. Civil war broke out in Russia in June 1918, and in July the anti-Bolshevik "White" Russian forces advanced on Yekaterinburg, where Nicholas and his family were located, during a campaign against the Bolshevik forces. Local authorities were ordered to prevent a rescue of the Romanovs, and after a secret meeting of the Yekaterinburg Soviet, a death sentence was passed on the imperial family. Late on the night of July 16, Nicholas, Alexandra, their five children and four servants were ordered to dress quickly and go down to the cellar of the house in which they were being held. There, the family and servants were arranged in two rows for a photograph they were told was being taken to quell rumors that they had escaped. Suddenly, a dozen armed men burst into the room and gunned down the imperial family in a hail of gunfire. Those who were still breathing when the smoked cleared were stabbed to death. The remains of Nicholas, Alexandra and three of their children were excavated in a forest near Yekaterinburg in 1991 and positively identified two years later using DNA fingerprinting. The Crown Prince Alexei and one Romanov daughter were not accounted for, fueling the persistent legend that Anastasia, the youngest Romanov daughter, had survived the execution of her family. Of the several "Anastasias" that surfaced in Europe in the decade after the Russian Revolution, Anna Anderson, who died in the United States in 1984, was the most convincing. In 1994, however, scientists used DNA to prove that Anna Anderson was not the czar's daughter but a Polish woman named Franziska Schanzkowska.
It is in my opinion that the economy will not be getting better anytime soon. It will likely be 2-3 years before we see anything back to what it was pre-recession. The only hope the economy has of a quick turnaround is a full scale war with Iran or North Korea, or both. Similar to how World War II pulled us out of the Great Depression.

Who wants a Mustache Ride?

2009-07-14T09:01:00.000-05:00

So for the past few weeks, I have been rocking a pretty solid stache. It's not the best, and I attempted to even make it a fancy handlebar mustache, yet that failed. One thing the experience taught me though, is that it is still cool for a guy in his mid 20's to rock a mustache...

However, I don't think that it is for me. I am a beard guy proud and true, so back to the beard I go. It was fun while it lasted, and it had it's memorable moments. I don't think I will rule out a return to the stache, but for now I will say goodbye. Maybe I will try the toothbrush next, or give the handlebar a second attempt. Who knows, all I do know is that no matter when and what I do, it will still be awesome.

The rest of my face however did feel extremely naked. Four plus years of having a face full of beard and then removing it for just a mustache I suppose will do that to someone.

Wearing a mustache with a suit was also quite enjoyable, and it even looked good with a fedora, and of course a solid pair of Aviators and a mustache is a never fail combination. So I will post a few pictures for your viewing pleasure, and will let you know of the next time I try some new facial hair awesomeness...
So remember, facial hair is quite awesome, and it does it's job. So go out be awesome, try out a mustache, and always offer up as many mustache rides as you can.

Ménage à trois

2009-07-09T08:08:00.000-05:00

In American naval slang, submarines are the only vessels referred to as "boats", whereas surface vessels are colloquially referred to as "ships".
On this day in 1941, crackerjack British cryptologists break the secret code used by the German army to direct ground-to-air operations on the Eastern front. British experts had already broken many of the Enigma codes for the Western front. Enigma was the Germans' most sophisticated coding machine, necessary to secretly transmitting information. The Enigma machine, invented in 1919 by Hugo Koch, a Dutchman, looked like a typewriter and was originally employed for business purposes. The Germany army adapted the machine for wartime use and considered its encoding system unbreakable. They were wrong. The Brits had broken their first Enigma code as early as the German invasion of Poland and had intercepted virtually every message sent through the occupation of Holland and France. Britain nicknamed the intercepted messages Ultra.
Today, Fred Savage of Wonder Years fame turns 33. Tom Hanks is 53, who I am sure you all know, and if you don't, I recommend seeing these movies: Bachelor Party, Big, The 'burbs, Philadelphia, Forrest Gump, Saving Private Ryan, and Road to Perdition. These of course are only a small sampling of his acting genius. Also celebrating a birthday today (in a Nevada State Prison) is the Juice. That's right, O.J. Simpson (pictured), who accumulated 11,236 rushing yards in his 11 year NFL career, including 2003 yards in 1973 for the Buffalo Bills, well he turns 63 today.

Annie are you ok?

2009-07-07T09:09:00.000-05:00

The answer here is clearly a resounding "no." Annie is not ok today, as today is the memorial for the King of Pop.

Just like the musicians before him who died before their time, Michael Jackson (50) will be remembered for his contributions to music. While he may not have been as young as Jim Morrison (27), Janis Joplin (27), Jimi Hendrix (27), Bradley Nowell (28), etc.; he still had something left in the tank. Similar to Elvis Presley (42) and John Lennon (40), he had reached his peak, but was still doing what he loved. He was planning a comeback tour of sorts, which included several sold out shows in London.

Judging on the dress rehearsals that have been playing on your TV for the last week and a half, I have no doubt that these would have been stellar concerts. Elvis was doing the same thing at the time of his death. But enough with the comparisons and whatnot.

Michael Jackson, despite all of his personal problems, was a blessing in the music industry as well for the people of the world. His music brought people together, and that is in part why he wrote it. He was pushing for change back when Barack Obama was praying to Allah and banging Indonesian hookers in Jakarta. He also could dance. I mean, does anyone remember the lean in "Smooth Criminal?" If you don't, it's pictured...

Today, his family and friends, and practically the entire globe will remember him today as his funeral service goes on. Even if you believe the allegations against him, and as a person him you found him off center and a little eccentric, you can not say that his music wasn't brilliant, because it was. To say that he didn't have a major influence on pop music in the MTV generation is just ridiculous. Songs like "Billie Jean", "Black or White", "Bad", "The Way You Make Me Feel", "Beat It", and "Thriller" will always have a spot on the radio, just as the videos will always have a spot on TV. The only problem was that he never changed his man in the mirror, and it would appear he had a drug problem, like many of the musicians who died before him.

Today, Captain Awesome is going to support the King of Pop, and I will continue to support the music that MJ made, and I hope that future generations appreciate Michael Jackson in the same way that we appreciate Elvis Presley or Jimi Hendrix today. So I will leave you all with one question...

Who's Bad?

Happy Birthday America

2009-07-04T17:56:00.001-05:00

Well, it's July 4, 2009. That means that the United States of America is officially 233 years old today (in a we declared independence on July 4, 1776 way).

So for all you American readers, you better be out there kicking ass and being awesome. That's what today is about. You need to go out and be awesome just like those brave souls who were out being awesome for our freedom 233 years ago.

Uncle Sam wants you to be awesome, how can you argue with that?

Go out and celebrate America hard, the American way. Kick ass and be awesome, and remember these great lyrics:

America...
America...
America, FUCK YEAH!
Coming again, to save the mother fucking day yeah,
America, FUCK YEAH!
Freedom is the only way yeah,
Terrorist your game is through cause now you have to answer too,
America, FUCK YEAH!
So lick my butt, and suck on my balls,
America, FUCK YEAH!
What you going to do when we come for you now,
it’s the dream that we all share; it’s the hope for tomorrow

FUCK YEAH!

McDonald's, FUCK YEAH!
Wal-Mart, FUCK YEAH!
The Gap, FUCK YEAH!
Baseball, FUCK YEAH!
NFL, FUCK, YEAH!
Rock and roll, FUCK YEAH!
The Internet, FUCK YEAH!
Slavery, FUCK YEAH!

FUCK YEAH!

Starbucks, FUCK YEAH!
Disney world, FUCK YEAH!
Porno, FUCK YEAH!
Valium, FUCK YEAH!
Reebok's, FUCK YEAH!
Fake Tits, FUCK YEAH!
Sushi, FUCK YEAH!
Taco Bell, FUCK YEAH!
Rodeos, FUCK YEAH!
Bed bath and beyond (Fuck yeah, Fuck yeah)

Liberty, FUCK YEAH!
White Slips, FUCK YEAH!
The Alamo, FUCK YEAH!
Band-aids, FUCK YEAH!
Las Vegas, FUCK YEAH!
Christmas, FUCK YEAH!
Immigrants, FUCK YEAH!
Popeye, FUCK YEAH!
Democrats, FUCK YEAH!
Republicans (republicans)
(fuck yeah, fuck yeah)
Sportsmanship
Books

Ménage à trois

2009-07-02T08:22:00.000-05:00

Only four months into his administration, President James A. Garfield is shot as he walks through a railroad waiting room in Washington, D.C. His assailant, Charles J. Guiteau, was a disgruntled and perhaps insane office seeker who had unsuccessfully sought an appointment to the U.S. consul in Paris. The president was shot in the back and the arm, and Guiteau was arrested. Garfield, mortally ill, was treated in Washington and then taken to the seashore at Elberon, New Jersey, where he attempted to recuperate with his family. During this time, Vice President Chester A. Arthur served as acting president. On September 19, 1881, after 80 days, President Garfield died of blood poisoning. The following day, Arthur was inaugurated as the 21st president of the United States. Garfield had three funerals: one in Elberon; another in Washington, where his body rested in state in the Capitol for three days; and a third in Cleveland, Ohio, where he was buried. Charles Guiteau's murder trial began in November, and in January 1882 he was found guilty and sentenced to death. In June 1882, he was hanged at his jail in Washington.
On this day in 1776, the Second Continental Congress, assembled in Philadelphia, formally adopts Richard Henry Lee's resolution for Independence from Great Britain. The vote is unanimous, with only New York abstaining. The resolution had originally been presented to Congress on June 7, but it soon became clear that New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Delaware, Maryland and South Carolina were as yet unwilling to declare Independence, though they would likely be ready to vote in favor of a break with England in due course. Thus, Congress agreed to delay the vote on Lee's Resolution until July 1. In the intervening period, Congress appointed a committee to draft a formal declaration of independence. Its members were John Adams of Massachusetts, Benjamin Franklin of Pennsylvania, Roger Sherman of Connecticut, Robert R. Livingston of New York and Thomas Jefferson of Virginia. Thomas Jefferson, well-known to be the best writer of the group, was selected to be the primary author of the document, which was presented to Congress for review on June 28, 1776. On July 1, 1776, debate on the Lee Resolution resumed as planned, with a majority of the delegates favoring the resolution. Congress thought it of the utmost importance that independence be unanimously proclaimed. To ensure this, they delayed the final vote until July 2, when 12 colonial delegations voted in favor of it, with the New York delegates abstaining, unsure of how their constituents would wish them to vote. John Adams wrote that July 2 would be celebrated as the most memorable epoch in the history of America. Instead, the day has been largely forgotten in favor of July 4, when Jefferson's edited Declaration of independence was adopted.
There is a decent amount of celebrity birthdays today, so I figure I will just name some of them, Lindsay Lohan is 23, Ashley Tisdale is 24, Michelle Branch is 26, Jose Canseco is 45, and Larry David is 62.

Wells Fargo needs to give back their Bailout Money...

2009-06-30T09:09:00.000-05:00

Today is the last day of June. This makes me happy, because as of tomorrow I will be one month away from living in a sweet ass apartment in downtown Fort Worth. Law school also begins in August, if Wells Fargo will ever approve my fucking Grad Plus loan. Those guys are fucking douche bags though.

They got like $25 Billion in a tax payer government bailout. I am one of those taxpayers, and I need a loan to pay for law school. They deny the loan. This makes me think a little.

You see, I continue to hear more and more things like this. Students are being denied loans for college, law school, med school, and even dental school. These lenders all received huge bailouts, and have the money to loan because they got help from the taxpayers. (and these are federally guaranteed loans mind you, even after filing bankruptcy, you don't get rid of student loans, they have to be paid back). Now some of these taxpayers and future taxpayers need help.

The way I see it is, that the future of our country is being put into jeopardy because are government is run by fucktards that bailed out greedy son of a bitch bankers. The government should have set up their own lending program for students, they should have known those greedy bank bastards would cut back on giving loans.

So I guess that means unemployment will continue to be on the rise, and people in professional industries will decline over the years. We won't have enough doctors to work under Obama's stupid fucking national health care plan, so no one will end up getting health care to begin with. There won't be enough lawyers to work for cities as prosecutors and defenders, so when one of those unemployed people who can't get a loan for school robs one of those greedy fuckass banks, there may not be enough prosecutors or judges to give him a speedy trial. Or there may not be enough Public Defenders to defend this poor man who can not afford his own legal defense.

If you think about it like that, banks like Wells Fargo, Bank of America, and Chase are doing everything in their power to ensure that people will not have their constitutional rights. I think our government should really look into this.

I mean, Barack Obama had to have gotten a loan to attend law school, so he should know how hard it is already, yet I feel like he isn't doing anything to help out students in need. An ultimatum should be in place for banks, but I guess they are too busy loaning money to people to buy homes and cars that they can't afford, just so the banks can be those fuckasses that go in their and take back those homes and cars, and help put those people who they knew could not afford it into more debt than they can handle. Of course, they are having trouble filing for bankruptcy because there is a lacking number of bankruptcy lawyers due to student being denied several fucking loans.

You see the banking industry has started a vicious cycle that will lead to the downfall of American society. Government bailouts are mostly to blame, but I see this as a major issue, and I hope it bites some of those banks in the ass.

On another note, if anyone works in the educational finance part of a bank, and would be interested in lending me $9,800 of a Grad Plus loan, that would be awesome of you and would get you a place in Awesome World.

I am going to finish with this: to the people at Wells Fargo in charge of approving loans, go fuck yourselves you greedy, worthless, fucking piece of shit cockbags. When I do get out of law school, and pass the bar, I will make it my personal vendetta to destroy Wells Fargo through legal means. See you in three years fuckass.

How About a Music Review?

2009-06-26T08:44:00.000-05:00

On the day after music took a huge loss, I felt the need to stay in the subject of music, though I didn't feel compelled to write an entire blog for Michael Jackson, while he deserves it, I just don't think I could write him anything of quality that would do him justice in this sad time. His music and visions of the world will live on, so listen to some MJ and then don't be afraid to check out some of the following albums I have reviewed here today.

So a good number of some of my favorite music artists have released some new albums this year. Since I can write about anything I want on this blog, well I am going to talk about some of these albums. So the following will be a review, and I'll be honest, I'm impressed with all of them so far.

We'll start really easy:

Incubus - Monuments and Melodies
Grade: A

Well, since I began listening to Incubus in 1997, the band has gone through a lot of changes. From funkadelic/heavy rock band of S.C.I.E.N.C.E to becoming alternative/pop rock with a little bit of soul Morning View, Incubus has found a large number of fans of all of their albums. While I personally don't find a greatest hits album a useful purchase, it will still get a good review, because well, I love all the songs that Incubus has previously recorded. So unless you have already made several Incubus album purchases in the past, you can't go wrong when you purchase Monuments and Melodies, and if you have purchased all their other albums, I recommend using iTunes and make a purchase of some of the new tracks that were released on this greatest hits collection, like "Black Heart Inertia". You will definitely Enjoy Incubus.

Dave Matthews Band - Big Whiskey and the GrooGrux King
Grade: A-

The last few Dave Matthews albums, honestly have not been up to par. The band has had an up and down battle for musical quality for the last seven to eight years. I think this time they finally will help their fans forget releases like Stand Up and Busted Stuff. While those albums did offer a little to the Dave fans out there, they in no way compare to albums like Crash and Under the Table and Dreaming. Lately the best Dave purchases have really been his live works, which really shows the talent of the band. "Big Whiskey" changes all of that. This is their best album release in the 2000's and really provides the listener with something worthwhile. It is something new that may even bring in a group of younger fans out to his concerts. This is another album that I definitely recommend.

311 - Uplifter
Grade: C+

311 has found a rut. They are one of those bands that put together a certain sound during the 1990's and never left it. This is unfortunate because they are one of my favorite bands. Their early works on albums like Music is what made me a fan of these guys. I think they peaked however around the time that Soundsystem was released, because I'll be honest, it is hard to tell the difference from all the albums released since then. Their last real hit in the past couple of years was a cover song of the Cure's "Love Song". I regret to inform all the 311 fans who have yet to pick up or download the new Uplifteralbum that there is no real improvement. While the sound is still something that I enjoy, I would have liked to seen some more musical growth, maybe next time. The one good thing is I purchased the deluxe version and got some live footage on iTunes.

Ben Folds - Ways to Normal and Ben Folds Presents: University A Cappella!
Grades: B+ and A+

Way to Normal is a release of new tracks from the solo act of Ben Folds (and I do miss Ben Folds Five a little still). The third new release since Ben Folds decided to drop the Five is another solid performance which includes a few great tracks. He has a unique performance style that seems to infuse Vegas lounge piano with rock and a some clever lyrics. The first single "You Don't Know Me" is a great song featuring vocals by Regina Spektor that is very enjoyable. This is a very solid purchase that if you are a Ben Folds fan, you will enjoy.

The best release he put out this year though, is not the album with new songs, but the album that he did not even perform on. Ben Folds Presents: University A Cappella! is an album that brings a new feel to some really good songs. Ben Folds had several different A Cappella choirs at different universities perform versions of his songs, even a few dating back to his days with Ben Folds Five. These unique tracks offer something new and different to the listener that are quite enjoyable. They really allow the soul of the music to stand out as they have several different soloists from the choirs really stand out on some of the songs. This is by far one of my new favorite releases from any artist that I have heard. It's innovative and enjoyable, and is essential for any fan of either A Cappella or Ben Folds.

Michael Franti & Spearhead - All Rebel Rockers
Grade: B

This release is not quite brand new, but I just finally got around to getting it. In this album, Franti and Spearhead hookup with legendary producers Sly and Robbie. They were definitely feeling the reggae vibes on this album. A political artist and activist, Franti has yet to really see a lot of mainstream play, but "Say Hey (I Love You)" may help get his name out there a little bit. This is a good album, but is not something that non fans of the group will enjoy. If you are a fan, the upbeat feeling of several songs will be a good change of pace to other things that Franti has released. You can definitely feel the Bob Marley and Peter Tosh vibes coming out in some of the songs, as well as maintaining what Michael Franti has become known for lyrically and musically. While I enjoyed it, I recommend it only to fans of Michael Franti & Spearhead. So you should just become one.

Pete Yorn - Back and Fourth
Grade: B+

Pete Yorn is one of those artists that sticks with what works for him as well. Musically his style limits the potential for a lot of musical growth, but it's his lyrics and melodies that make his songs worthwhile. Simple songs that are well organized and have great lyrics always make for enjoyment. Back and Fourth is the fourth full length album from Pete Yorn, and it does not disappoint. My favorite track is "Social Development Dance" because it is one of those masterfully crafted lyrical songs that people can just relate to in some ways. This album surpasses his previous release, and but does not quite reach musicforthemorningafter quality. If you are a Pete Yorn fan, it is a great buy, if you are only into this style a little bit, you may not enjoy, but you can give it a try anyway.

Ben Harper & Relentless7 - White Lies for Dark Times
Grade: A+

I feel like I saved the best for last. I am a huge Innocent Criminals fans, so changing the backing band was not something I was looking forward to, in fact I was hesitant to purchase this album because I thought it might ruin the soul that Ben Harper's music is known for. Boy was I wrong. White Lies for Dark Times is a fantastic album and Relentless7 does a great job. It still holds all of the great Ben Harper soul that you expect from his voice and lyrics, but it brings a true rock feel to the album. Musically, this is one of the best blues/rock releases of any band in a long time. It brings back what to mind the word rock. Solid riffs, great drum fills, and guitar solos put together with one of the greatest singing voices in the industry. It's a never fail. This album, which like most Ben Harper music, will go largely unnoticed to the general pop fan, but for those fans that miss pure rock, grab this album.

Ménage à trois

2009-06-25T08:52:00.000-05:00

On this day in 1876, Native American forces led by Chiefs Crazy Horse and Sitting Bull defeat the U.S. Army troops of Lieutenant Colonel George Armstrong Custer in a bloody battle near southern Montana's Little Bighorn River. The Battle of Little Bighorn--also called Custer's Last Stand--marked the most decisive Native American victory and the worst U.S. Army defeat in the long Plains Indian War. The gruesome fate of Custer and his men outraged many white Americans and confirmed their image of the Indians as wild and bloodthirsty. Meanwhile, the U.S. government increased its efforts to subdue the tribes. Within five years, almost all of the Sioux and Cheyenne would be confined to reservations.
If George Orwell (pictured) had been one of those people to live into his 100's, well he would have turned 106 today. His real name was Eric Arthur Blair. So go read Animal Farm and get into the Orwell mood...
I still have poison ivy.

Captain Awesome's Guide to Gambling: Poker

2009-06-23T08:05:00.000-05:00

So, I guess it's that time again, where I get to post the final post of a series of posts. I don't know if anyone will head my gambling advice, but I feel it is all worthwhile, though not quite as worthwhile as my hunting series of posts.

Today, I am going to make a post on the form of gambling that got me through college, and may even one day be what I do for a living. Either way, we'll see. If you remember correctly, I am a legend of poker now, so I have legitimacy in writing about this. This however will not be in depth, and if you are serious about learning, I would recommend a poker book.

Poker is a very broad term, that is used to play several different forms. Most of you all probably know at least a little bit about 5 Card Draw, which you may have played with you family for pennies when you were growing up. If you didn't do that, then there is still an extremely likely chance that you know something about Texas Holdem, if only from seeing it on one of the many channels on TV that you can see it. In fact, the sudden surge over the last 7-10 years in poker (known also as the poker boom) is largely behind this TV trend (thanks to the WSOP on ESPN or the WPT on the Travel channel, etc.). There is also the online poker boom that has helped inspire this trend of poker players coming of age in the 2000's. I am going to ignore talking about some forms of poker, such as 5 card draw/stud, or Razz, or the hi/lo games, but today will focus on three of the more played games: No Limit/Limit Texas Holdem, 7 card stud, and pot limit Omaha.

I have been playing poker since I can remember. I grew up in a family where gambling is somewhat of a normal thing, so I would play blackjack and 5 card draw for pennies, nickles, and dimes growing up. Over time I go particularly into 7 card stud. 7 card stud may be one of the easier games to learn in poker apart from 5 card draw. This is because you essentially get to see 4 of the other players cards while they bet, and this gives you a pretty decent idea of what they may have (like if they have 4 hearts showing and they are betting it, then a flush is very likely).

In 7 card stud, generally a limit game (your bets are limited based on the size of the blinds/antes), you are dealt 7 total cards. The first three come 2 down, and one up as your hole cards. Bets begin by the lowest up card bringing in a bet. From there the betting begins. You will get get several cards dealt to you face up, before you get your 7th card (the river) dealt face down. Betting will ensue after every card dealt. You are trying to make the best 5 card hand (hand rankings will be posted at the end) out of your 7 cards. After the showdown, the player with the best hand will take the pot.

Another game frequently played in the World Series of Poker (WSOP) and shown on TV, is Omaha. This game is generally played as a pot limit game, meaning you can only bet up to the size of the pot. In this game you are dealt four cards face down, and have 5 community cards that are flopped out in a 3-1-1 sequence known as the flop, turn, and river. You are required to use 2, and only 2 of your 4 hole cards, and 3 of the community cards to make the best possible 5 card hand. Betting ensues preflop, after flop, after turn, and post river before a showdown. The best 5 card hand at the end will take down the pot. This game is tricky to most because they don't understand the rules completely. This is actually one of my top games in the poker realm, and I have actually done quite well over the years when playing Omaha.

The final game is Texas Holdem, the game which many of you have seen on television. In Texas Holdem, you can play limit, pot limit, and no limit (no limit on the amount you can bet at any time). In holdem, you are dealt 2 down cards, and you share 5 community cards, dealt out in the same way as they are in Omaha. The difference is, between your cards and the community cards, your goal is to make the best 5 card hand with the 7 available cards. You do not have to use your hole cards if they don't help out the cards in the community in anyway. The betting order and structure is the same as Omaha.

Here are the hand rankings for all poker games:

Royal Flush (A-K-Q-J-10 of Diamonds, etc.)
Straight Flush (3-4-5-6-7 of Spades, etc.)
4 of a Kind (Q of Spades, Q of Hearts, Q of Clubs, Q of Diamonds, and any other card)
Full House (A-A-A-K-K)
Flush (2-7-9-J-A of Hearts)
Straight (7-8-9-10-J any suit)
3 of a Kind (7-7-7-4-A any suit)
2 Pair (A-A-8-8-3 any suit)
Pair (K-K-5-8-9 any suit)
High Card (A-3-6-10-J any suit)

These games can be played in 2 major scenarios, the first is tournament play (what you have seen on TV), in which you play throughout a period of time, with your entry fee, and when you are busted out, you are no longer playing, or you win by outlasting every other tournament entry.

The other form is known as a ring game or a cash game, in which you buy in for a certain monetary amount, and you can leave at anytime, and you may also rebuy at anytime as well.

There are advantages and disadvantages to every game you play in poker, and if you want to be able to make money playing, I suggest reading books, and playing for free online until you really understand the games and their rules. If you have any specific questions regarding this or any other casino game, please feel free to ask at anytime and I will answer to the best that I can. Hope this helps, and don't forget to tip the dealer every time you rake in a pot. And tip your cocktail waitress as always.

So, stay awesome, and have a good ole hot streak the next time you are in a casino just for Captain Awesome. Enjoy!

Father's Solstice?

2009-06-21T18:00:00.001-05:00

Well today is Sunday June 21st. This marks the first day of summer. That would make this the longest day of the year.

Today is also Father's Day, so that makes Father's Day the longest day of the year.

Good thing or bad thing?

All I know is that it has been a decent day, but I've been covered in poison ivy for a week straight. It's not very much fun. I tried to just cover it with ointments and whatnot the first couple of days, but as it got worse I had to get a cortisone shot and some pills to get rid of this shit. It is slowly going away, but it's itchy as shit.

This however did not prevent me from being awesome last night. I still got laid, I just had to keep my shirt on, as my back and sides are covered. I'm just happy that I don't have it on my junk. I've been very careful about that, as I have had poison ivy on my nads, and it is most unpleasant.

Well I don't think this blog was really even necessary, but happy Father's day to all the fathers in the world, whether you know it or not. And if you aren't a father, than have a good Summer Solstice, and go a little wild. It's not a bad day to be awesome, as you have a long and awesome day!

Ménage à trois

2009-06-18T09:06:00.000-05:00

June 18, 1815: At Waterloo in Belgium, Napoleon Bonaparte suffers defeat at the hands of the Duke of Wellington, bringing an end to the Napoleonic era of European history. Napoleon returned to Paris and on June 22 abdicated in favor of his son. He decided to leave France before counterrevolutionary forces could rally against him, and on July 15 he surrendered to British protection at the port of Rochefort. He hoped to travel to the United States, but the British instead sent him to Saint Helena, a remote island in the Atlantic off the coast of Africa. Napoleon protested but had no choice but to accept the exile. With a group of followers, he lived quietly on St. Helena for six years. In May 1821, he died, most likely of stomach cancer. He was only 51 years old. In 1840, his body was returned to Paris, and a magnificent funeral was held. Napoleon's body was conveyed through the Arc de Triomphe and entombed under the dome of the Invalides.
Sticking with the early 1800's war theme, on June 18, 1812, President James Madison signs into law, the declaration of war against Britain. The American war declaration, opposed by a sizable minority in Congress, had been called in response to the British economic blockade of France, the induction of American seaman into the British Royal Navy against their will, and the British support of hostile Indian tribes along the Great Lakes frontier. A faction of Congress known as the "War Hawks" had been advocating war with Britain for several years and had not hidden their hopes that a U.S. invasion of Canada might result in significant territorial land gains for the United States. In the end, the worthless Brits lost. In fact they even took a beating in New Orleans weeks after the war had officially ended.
I also currently have poison ivy, an affliction that has always been very bad for me. I do believe that this plant and following rash is my mortal enemy in life. I hope it burns in hell, unless of course I am in hell to, then I hope the poison ivy goes to heaven, because I just don't want to be around that shit. It itches so bad, and I just want it to dry up and go away. Of course I am still a fan of Poison Ivy (pictured), a very sexy and seductive archenemy of Batman.

The Great Tobacco Debate

2009-06-12T09:17:00.000-05:00

Tobacco is something that has really taken a bad rap over the last 30-40 years. In the first part of the 1900's everyone smoked though. Now, it is becoming the new alcohol (1920-1933). It is being banned in restaurants and bars. Taxes are causing the prices of tobacco to skyrocket. Are we on the way to seeing a ban on tobacco? Will there soon be bootleggers that are growing tobacco? I mean, as of yesterday, the FDA now has full control of the industry (thanks to Philip Morris of course).

Well there probably will be, but my question is this: Would authorities go after illegal tobacco the same way they go after marijuana, cocaine, etc., or will they go after tobacco in the same way they went after alcohol during prohibition?

Would a tobacco prohibition make it a double offense if you were caught with a Cuban cigar?

While I don't smoke cigarettes, or hookah, I don't dip or use any form of spitting tobacco, I do extremely enjoy cigars and pipe tobacco. In fact when I have had a long day, or a long week, sitting back on the back porch with a couple of friends, a glass of scotch or 3, and light up a nice CAO or Rocky Patel, or even a lesser known Kinky Friedman cigar. It is a good way to relieve a little tension if things haven't quite gone your way recently. They are also enjoyable when you are at your local gentleman's club, and also when you are sitting at the blackjack table. If you are playing 18 holes on the links, a cigar is good there. After I nice steak and baked potato, a cigar really finishes the meal nicely. I think you get the picture.

In the city of Dallas, there is now a smoking ban. This means, unless I am in my house or in a smoke shop, then I am not allowed to smoke. I can no longer go have a nice steak and potato at Dunston's and then have a scotch and cigar by the bar. I can no longer sit next to the stage, buy a bottle of liquor and light up a cigar while watching professional dancers take their clothes off at the Men's Club. I can't sit in the park and light a beautifully crafted and luxurious CAO Vision when I am walking around downtown. If there were casinos in Dallas (there has been plenty of talk over the years), the ban would extend there as well. This ruins these places.

You see, now my only option is to get hammered drunk, because the option of a drink or two, sitting back and relaxing and smoking is no longer there. This smoking ban is going to lead to an increase in drunk driving because of this, and it will in fact lead to more people looking to put bans on alcohol, the legal limits, and maybe even age limit to consume and purchase. If we keep letting governments tell us what to do, then you will have to be 25 to drink, you will have to be straight to get married, and you will have to grow tobacco in your closet.

The government, and the Obama administration is way to big. Government needs to be limited in how it interferes with American citizens. We have a Bill of Rights to limit government control. This is not only in regards to tobacco, but it can be seen through abortion rights, gay marriage, gun control, marijuana, and alcohol. As an American citizen, I have every right to own and carry my Colt 1911 .45, drink alcohol until I can no longer function, and smoke a big full bodied cigar, all while getting full contact lap dances from a girl named Ginger, though she looks more like Mary Ann.

But I will still do it anyway, even if the government outlaws these things. Why you ask? Because I'm Captain Awesome, and I do awesome things, that's why...

Ménage à trois

2009-06-11T09:18:00.000-05:00

On June 11, 1962, the inescapable prison known as Alcatraz proved to be just the opposite. John and Clarence Anglin and Frank Lee Morris attempt to escape from Alcatraz federal prison. The three men were never seen again, and although some believe that theirs was the only successful getaway from what was known as "The Rock," it is far more likely that they drowned in the chilly water. Four days after their escape, a bag containing photos, which belonged to Clarence Anglin, was found in San Francisco Bay. I suppose that no one will ever know if they escaped or not.
Buddhist monk Quang Duc (pictured) publicly burns himself to death in a plea for President Ngo Dinh Diem to show "charity and compassion" to all religions. Diem, a Catholic who had been oppressing the Buddhist majority, remained stubborn despite continued Buddhist protests and repeated U.S. requests to liberalize his government's policies. More Buddhist monks immolated themselves during ensuing weeks. Madame Nhu, the president's sister-in-law, referred to the burnings as "barbecues" and offered to supply matches. In November 1963, South Vietnamese military officers assassinated Diem and his brother during a coup.
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in- law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon.

Captain Awesome's Guide to Gambling: Blackjack

2009-06-08T09:03:00.000-05:00

With only two casino games left, I had to make a choice of what I wanted to end the series with, poker (Texas Holdem, Omaha, Stud, etc.) or blackjack. I have decided to end it with poker (sometime next week) and will spend today talking about blackjack.

The classic game of 21 is my favorite thing to do in a casino, by far. The problem is that blackjack is a cruel mistress. She can be so good to you, and within minutes she is ripping your soul out of you from your ass (and wallet). Generally I play by the book blackjack. So when people play randomly and out of nowhere, and it costs me money, I get very upset and angry.

This will be a blog coming from a 2 week gambling binge, in both Oklahoma and Louisiana, that was quite the whirlwind of gambling for me. Very up and down, that in end left me evenish (though I did have some random good luck by hitting the number 4 twice in a row in roulette...) The picture comes from my 21st birthday where I am playing a little blackjack at Caesar's in Vegas.

The object of blackjack is to get your cards as close to 21 as possible and to beat the dealer's hand. The dealer must hit to 17, and he stands on 17-21 (some places they hit a soft 17, some places they don't). Your goal is to hit until you can beat one of those hands. You must always assume that the card that you cannot see is a 10/face, because there are more of those cards than anything else in the deck. So if the dealer has an 8 showing, then you assume that he has an 18, which means you will need to hit your hard 15 to have a chance to win the hand.

Winning money is not done simply by winning hands and getting blackjacks. You win money in this game by optimizing your bets when you have quality hands against a dealer bust card (2-6 showing). You can do this by splitting your pair or doubling down your 10's and 11's. You never split 5's.

I could get into card counting in this blog, but honestly there is no real point, because while in the past it has been quite effective for me. It's not worth knowing how to do unless you have the money behind you to really make your bets big when the count is good. You are welcome to read about it outside of this blog, and I recommend Bringing Down the House. I use the +/- system when counting, as in I give those values to cards. It is explained in the book, and somewhat explained the movie 21. This is going to be my only mention of counting cards, which is not cheating despite what the casinos and popular opinion tell you. Using intelligence is fair to help the odds somewhat in your favor. The casino does everything it can to make sure that the odds are always in their favor, so you should be allowed to do the same.

The basic chart for playing blackjack is posted below. This strategy is generally considered the by the book play, that will help tilt the odds a fraction to give you a better opportunity than just playing your "gut." In the outline, "H" means you will hit the hand, "D" is for double down, "S" is for stand, and "P" is when you want to split. The only odd colored one is the hard sixteen. The correct play is to always hit it unless you have two eights, in which case you split them in most cases. If you have a 16 against a dealer 17-20/21 then you should either always hit it, or never hit it. Consistency will usually pay off in the game of blackjack. That's probably the best advice I can give you.

I hope this is helpful, and remember, that blackjack is a team game for the table. Don't play like a fucktard and be happy if you get away with it and win and the rest of the table loses. Play correctly and do what you can in regards to strategy to help the table all beat the dealer. Essentially your goal should be to play to where the dealer is going to have to bust. If the dealer busts, than everyone is going to be a winner, and that is what is key. If you aren't going to play correct blackjack strategy, then I ask you to never sit at a table with me. I will become angry and say unkind things about you and your mother.

So until next time, may all the luck go your way. Remember to tip your dealers (blackjack dealers like to have you bet for them, as opposed to just tipping) and tip your cocktail waitress. Don't forget to be awesome when you are playing this awesome yet cruel mistress known as blackjack.

Ménage à trois

2009-06-04T09:28:00.000-05:00

I (pictured) have always known that my Sun sign was Leo (hence the lion picture), and all the traits are about correct. But I also learned that I have a Moon sign, and it would appear that I am either a Taurus or an Aries. Reading the description of both, I think I am more of the Aries. Either way I found it a little interesting. But all signs aside, I'm just the same old Captain Awesome. You see, even in Ménage à trois, you can learn something about me, and not just other people...
Since I like to show equality sometimes, and I have a fondness for the ladies, I feel I should mention that on June 4, 1919, Congress passed the 19th Amendment and sent it out to the states to be ratified. For those of you who do not know anything about American policies, history or suffrage, the 19th Amendment is what gives women the right to vote. It disallowed discrimination of sex at the polling places. This would be ratified on August 18, 1920 after Tennessee became the 30th state to ratify it. The last 18 states would follow suit eventually after it had been rejected. The states that rejected it originally are Delaware, Maryland, Virginia, Alabama, South Carolina, Georgia, Louisiana, and Mississippi. Other states just took their time to ratify it, but never rejected it, they are Connecticut, Vermont, Florida and North Carolina. Mississippi did not ratify the 19th Amendment until 1984 after it was rejected in 1920. Hawaii and Alaska became states after the it was part of the Constitution. Texas was the 9th state to ratify it, doing so within 24 days after Congress passed it.
On June 4, 1989, Chinese troops storm through Tienanmen Square in the center of Beijing, killing and arresting thousands of pro-democracy protesters. The brutal Chinese government assault on the protesters shocked the West and brought denunciations and sanctions from the United States. The savagery of the Chinese government's attack shocked both its allies and Cold War enemies. Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev declared that he was saddened by the events in China. He said he hoped that the government would adopt his own domestic reform program and begin to democratize the Chinese political system. In the United States, editorialists and members of Congress denounced the Tienanmen Square massacre and pressed for President George Bush to punish the Chinese government. A little more than three weeks later, the U.S. Congress voted to impose economic sanctions against the People's Republic of China in response to the brutal violation of human rights.

A word on Gay Marriage.

2009-06-03T09:01:00.000-05:00

So, as you may have seen in previous blogs, I have the tendency to get a little political at times. Today I am going to do the same. I would like to speak to everyone about something that is becoming a very important issue: Gay Marriage. I only have this on my mind because I watched Milk recently...

This blog is not going to be long and filled with fire and brimstone. You see in general I look at myself as a conservative when it comes to things like the government, economic policy, international relations, health care, etc. As in the government should be small, stay out of the economic cycle, go to war with anyone we can beat when we need something they have, and keep health care privatized. Everyone should also be allowed to purchase and carry a firearm legally. I, myself carry a .45 caliber pistol (Colt 1911 Commander) most of the time (I love Texas).

In regards to certain other subjects however; I would be considered rather liberal. While I don't personally believe in "sma-smortion" (clearly I mean abortion), I do believe that everyone is entitled to their own choice. I also believe in equal rights to citizens of the United States (immigrants need to be legal to obtain these rights). This includes, and pardon my complete lack of trying to be politically correct, the queer population. Actually, that may have been a politically correct way to say that, so nevermind.

I am not gay myself, and I can only say that I am friends with only a very small number of gay dudes, but I think they should be allowed to get married. But my reasoning is a little different then most people's reasoning. You see most people think that marriage should be allowed to all people, and that could be a man and woman, a man and gorilla, two poofs, or to lady lovers that look hot when they scissor each other. Other people think some old guy on a star, who created heaven and earth said marriage is between and man and woman and just that. I'm not in either opinion, because well I just don't give a shit. If you want to stick your penis in another man's pooper, but you want him wearing a ring, then so be it. If you want to say that two dudes putting their penis' in the other's butts is morally wrong and they shouldn't be allowed to do that while wearing a wedding ring, well you have your opinion as well.

As for me, I think gay marriage should be allowed for one big reason followed by a few little reasons. The big one... I really like weddings. Gay marriage would increase the number of weddings that I can crash, so that is awesome. When crashing these weddings, you have to remember, gay guys generally have really hot girlfriends that they can hook you up with. It would make scoring at wedding that much easier. I mean, what gay guy wouldn't want to help his straight friend that supports marriage hook up with his hot girlfriend?

I also really love cake and champagne, I mean who doesn't? Gay guys stereotypically have very good taste, so I can only assume that they would have really good cake and champagne at the wedding. I mean so that's just awesome. So even if you don't get laid by a hot girl at the gay wedding, well you still get to eat really good cake and get drunk off of good champagne.

Also the government could make more money because they would be banking on the increased number of marriage certificates that they are selling at however much those things cost wherever the wedding would occur. In fact, now that I think about it, that could help solve our economic crisis. Just another reason to legalize gay marriage.

So in conclusion, whenever the opportunity arises for you to put the issue to vote, think of all the positives that come along with allowing it. That's all I've got to say. Vote yes on gay marriage. Weddings are awesome, so Captain Awesome approves of ALL of them.

Baseball Ejections and Blow Ups...

2009-06-01T09:06:00.000-05:00

So here is the deal. Carlos Zambrano took an ejection to heart this past week (pictured), and took his frustration out on a Gatorade machine. This led ESPN to create a list of top 10 meltdowns. For some reason I have yet to appear on it. Probably because mine was not caught on film. Drew Farmer, believes that had it been recorded, I would no doubt be number 1. This has been backed up by all who were playing that day, and who were in the stands. It is a moment that I am truly proud of. It is something that I hope will be remembered as one of the greatest sports meltdowns of all time. Much better than Big Z's recent meltdown...

This is the version that I posted on my myspace blog after it occurred in 2007. The only changes made were for grammatical and spelling errors.

"So here is the deal, I was kind of in charge of the North Texas baseball team during the 2007 season with Will Cummings, and we had a pretty decent team. We were in first place up till the last weekend where we kind of fell apart as a team, though some people egged on a lot on in team fighting throughout the season and it hurt the team more than they think, as in every little thing that went wrong me and Will were blamed, kind of bullshit, but whatever, on to the story...

So, last game of the year, at home against Texas Tech at this time the score is 4-2 Texas Tech in the top of the 8th. We had just made a pitching change, after our first reliever out of the bullpen struggled to find the strike zone. The bases are loaded and apparently Tech's runner on second was relaying signs into the hitter, and well the pitcher who had just been pulled didn't take kindly to it, and he, well he pretty much called their runner on second a "fucking piece of shit, cunt ass, fucking bush league, who is playing bullshit bush league baseball." That's not quite a direct quote, but close enough, well the umpire tosses him. So as a coach, I now have a job to do, so I run out to argue his point of he wasn't cussing at the umpire, but at the player and that doesn't warrant an ejection without a warning (which of course that type of language is actually grounds for an ejection, but I still had to argue). So after a short discussion, I'm walking back, and the ejected player screams, "this is bullshit." Now the umpire at this point tosses me out because he thought it was me. So essentially I have been ejected from a game for doing absolutely nothing...it wouldn't stay an ejection for nothing. At the point of my ejection I sprint back out to the field out which point I dropped so many f-bombs that I don't think I even made a coherent sentence. I told him he was a worthless piece of shit motherfucking cock sucking limp dicked bastard who only knows his own asshole cause his head is shoved so far up his ass, its all he's seen. After that tirade I decide to make it a point that my ejection was bullshit, at which point as I'm walking off I yell, "Fuck you and your mother!" and while I am walking off I take off my jersey and undershirt, and throw it over the fence. I take off my baseball cleats and throw those over the fence, I then undo my pants, remove my cup and pants and toss that over the fence, so now I am standing on the field wearing my sliding shorts and socks...nothing else. I go into the dugout, grab my bag and toss that out the dugout door, then follow up with another "you are a fucking fuck bag at which point I am now removed from the field and dugout. Once outside I decided to put on a t-shirt and wind pants and make my way to the stands (Bobby Valentine style, without the fake mustache). From there I am quiet until the Texas Tech douche bag who was relaying signs and started all the problems walked up to the plate, and my quote was as he called 'time' three times before allowing our pitcher to throw, "Hey fuck bag, why are you calling time, couldn't get the sign relayed in on time, you piece of shit. It's ok, we don't mind waiting for you to get the sign, you blow monkey ass anyway." After which I believe he struck out and I yelled, "I guess fastball was relayed, didn't help you there fuck bag." Then the umpire stops play and has me leave the stands. About 20 minutes later the game is over and we lost 6-4. Mostly cause our team was dead, and this lead to more infighting where I was blamed for the entire season by the one guy who was most important in leading to all the infighting that truly hurt the team. This guy never said anything if he started, but anytime we had a game he didn't start, he decided to call me out on every little thing like a douche bag, but hey, I can't help he gets offended at everything and takes everything as a slight toward him. Anyway, so we didn't win our division and Will got an earful from the head of the boss man at North Texas who was in charge of our funding, who happened to make his only appearance of the year at that game. So fuck him, fuck the guy who started the team infighting, fuck the tool who was relaying signs and fuck the season. Good luck next year guys, you're gonna need it.

I hope you all have enjoyed this blog, there is probably a little unneeded parts, but there were some things I needed to get off my chest, along with the funny story. My only regret is I didn't throw a chair onto a field and yell "let's make it official." If you know what I'm talking about I will give you a high five next time I see you, if you don't know where that came from feel free to ask me. Thanks for reading."

Hopefully the good folks at ESPN get wind of this ejection, and we can do a reenactment and then it can be number 1, maybe number two behind Phillip Wellman. And I must also admit I don't have the reputation or status of guys like Lou Piniella, Billy Martin, or Bobby Cox. But I'll be damned if I still don't have one of the finer moments in baseball ejection history. But then again, I am also Captain Awesome, so it could just be expected of me to have the best, so there is no need to talk about it...

The Faithful Departed...

2009-05-29T09:02:00.000-05:00

So I have one question... What the hell is North Korea thinking? I mean seriously, why won't Kim Jong-il get the picture. Has he never heard of Saddam Hussein, Slobodan Milošević, Antonio López de Santa Anna or Adolf Hitler, just to name a few? And these are just some of the major names. There are several South American dictators who never had a chance, that's how good the C.I.A. and the United States are.

The United States, and our allies have helped put several political leaders and governments in their place. And I won't even get into the messy details of the Cold War that went on with the United States and and the Soviet Union behind Joseph Stalin, Nikita Khrushchev, Alexei Kosygin, and Mikhail Gorbachev, only to name a few of the eleven leaders before the fall of the U.S.S.R.

So looking at these names, and the countries, and mind you, these are only a few. What the hell dude? Why test us? The United States, despite having a liberal "Know-nothing" in the White House, will not put up with this shit. Democrats aren't as spineless as they always appear. Clinton went after Milošević (President of Yugoslavia) because of his reign of terror and genocides in Bosnia, Croatia, and all the war crimes in Kosovo. In fact, more United States soldiers died under the eight Clinton years, than in the eight Bush years recently ended. And we were fighting two simultaneous wars under Bush mind you.

So Kim Jong-il, I'm just saying, do you really want to end up like Benito Mussolini and have your head on a stake as U.S. soldiers march through your capitol? Do you want to force yourself in your bunker and kill yourself? Do you want your government to fall?

My advice to you is only one thing. Take a page out of the Fidel Castro book. Hate Americans, just don't do anything that really truly pisses them off to where they feel the need to send in their own troops. Of course that's not to say that we won't send in waves of North Korean refugees that we have trained with a promise of U.S. support that never really is there...

Of course, you may also have made a deal with the devil like Castro, so there is the possibility that you can't die.

So to the faithful departed, Nazi Germany, Soviet Russia, Fascist Italy, Santa Anna's Mexico, several South American dictatorships, Hussein's Republic of Iraq, the Ottoman Empire, Austro-Hungarian Empire, etc. and of course there was the first time that we dealt with North Korea...

I hope you get to read this Kim, but if you don't I'm sure someone will. Just keep your missiles on lock down and stay quiet till you are no longer in office. Had I been president, you'd already have the United States Marine Corp knocking on your door, but that's because I don't feel the need to put up with shit like that. If you do choose however to go to war with the United Nations or the United States, or Russia, or South Korea, or China, Luxembourg, or even Antarctica, I can put a guarantee down, that you will end up with taking your own life like Hitler, hanging from a rope like Hussein, or die in a prison cell like Milošević. Is that what you really want out of life? I thought not...

Ménage à trois

2009-05-28T09:32:00.000-05:00

Since I have referred to Time Magazine's "Man of the Year" before in Ménage à trois, I figured I can do it again. I'm doing it this time in honor of Rudolph Giuliani, former mayor of New York City. The one time Republican Presidential candidate is a strapping 65 today. If you don't remember, Time named him it's "Man of the Year" in 2001 after his city dealt with the most tragic event any United States city has had to deal with. This of course being the September 11, 2001 attacks on the World Trade Center in New York. I don't feel it is necessary to go into details of a history lesson. Everyone should remember what happened. Anyway, happy birthday Rudy, hope you have many more.
And speaking of someone who would have received the honor several times had Time published it's magazine in the 1700's, George Washington deserves a nod on today's date. On May 28, 1754, a 22 year old Lieutenant Colonel from Virginia (clearly I'm referencing Washington) defeated a French and Indian scouting party. This marked the first battle of the 7-Years War (or French and Indian War, and Britain and France did not actually declare war for another 2 years) that would essentially be the first World War, as it was a global conflict between two countries and their colonies. It also marked the first notch in the belt for the future American Commander in Chief. It was a decisive victory in which Washington only lost one man, while they killed 10 and took 21 prisoner.
In Las Vegas, the first casino received it's license for gambling in 1931. This casino was the Pair-o-Dice Club. Today there are around 1700 licensed gambling location in the city of Las Vegas. That's a lot of locations to play blackjack. I think I've played in like 20 of them. That's a long way to go...

Strip Club Etiquette

2009-05-26T14:01:00.000-05:00

You always hear about certain do's and don'ts when you are in a strip club. Proper etiquette is important, and there are many rules that you should know. There are also many secrets that you can know to improve your overall experience at the gentleman's club, and my goal is to help you achieve full awesomeness when you make a venture into your local titty bar. That is essentially what this blog is about. So make use of this information from an all-star (who will at times go through slumps) of the strip club scene.

Etiquette and Secrets

Never wear jeans to a strip club. Wearing jeans to a strip club is essentially throwing away all the money you just spent on dances. If you wear a nice pair of slacks, or suit pants, then not only will you feel a better sensation on your penis during the grind of a lapdance, but the dancer will appreciate your thoughtfulness in wearing something comfortable that she can enjoy as well.
Always lie about what you do. Strippers lie to make money. So you should lie just so they think you are awesome.
Be kind to the cocktail waitresses. What you don't know is that they are the most important people in the club. I recommend telling them rules you may have in regards to strippers ordering drinks on your tab. I make sure they know that every drink I buy is going to be well liquor even if the dancer orders a Grey Goose and Red Bull or a Crown and Coke. I have yet to have a dancer notice the difference.
Never tip more than you want to, and never overpay for a lap dance. This generally happens when you feel bad for a girl. (See rule 2)
There is sex in the champagne room. If Chris Rock can't get laid in the champagne room, then that's his problem. It does happen and it's always awesome. (See rule 9)
Only tip the bathroom attendant one time, unless you use his other services. I feel a dollar each night covers him handing me a paper towel each time I wash my hands after peeing.
Have fake business cards always available, but make sure they match the lies that you feed. You don't want to be a movie producer with a business card that says you are VP of Sales for Dell.
If you have a dancer that has never seen you before, always tell her it's your first time there. You will be able to get away with a lot more than you might not normally get away with.
Negotiate prices up front. Don't pay more than you should have to, and don't get the dancer's hope up that you will. This goes in VIP as well. I always pay just $20 a dance no matter where in the club I'm sitting. If the girl is not going play that game, fuck her, another dancer sure will. In other words 5 dances in VIP is $100 and 5 dances in regular seating is $100. The additional tip the dancers get comes in the what they drink on that $250 bottle of Moet (usually found for about $35) you purchased to get into VIP.
Follow a dancer's rules. If she says your fingers can't travel south of the equator, just stay with your hands on the boobs. If she says you can't play with her boobs, get a dance from someone else (unless she is saying that because Vice is clearly in the club that night).
Tip the door girl. They appreciate it, and this will sometimes get you in for free on occasion.
Chivalry will pay off in a strip club. Just because these girls take their clothes off for money does not mean they don't deserve to be treated right. But you also can't forget that no matter what you think, she is hustling you.
Always make sure you carry a condom. (See rule 5)
Don't ever go to a strip club with a girlfriend or wife. Only bad things come of this. My recommendation is to just be single.
Be awesome in all situations.

I hope these rules and secrets help you out the next time you have an exotic dancer sitting on your lap. There is always plenty of fun to be had, just make sure you are doing it right. These experiences should always be awesome, and if you have any specific questions, as always feel free to ask.

True Love?

2009-05-22T09:49:00.000-05:00

Personally, true love probably won't be in the cards for me for a while, at least till I'm 30 (well maybe), though, so I'm going to have to settle for a different kind of love, I call this: stripper love.

Any guy who has never been to a strip club will think this is stupid, and every girl will think it's stupid regardless. All I have to say to those people is this: You don't know what you're talking about, but T-Pain does (you should read through all the lyrics, the remix versions in particular). Stripper love is very real. It is so real, that I have succumbed to it on several occasions.

I have fallen in love with strippers and I'm not ashamed of it. You have to understand, the world doesn't operate the same way inside a strip club as it does in the real world. You are talking to beautiful women who are paid (very, very well) to make you think they are interested in you. Imagine any girl who has ever flirted with you so you would buy her a drink. You can laugh about how ridiculous it is when you're sitting around getting ready to go out, but once you get there and you've got a professional gaming you up, all bets are off. It's like the major leagues, and your local dive bar is just the semi-professional independent leagues.

It starts off innocently enough. You're not naive enough to actually think you're going to get some action at the strip club (well, maybe). You're not looking to fall in love. You just want to go get drunk and see a plethora of boobage, real and fake alike. You watch the girls dance, and maybe one of them stands out for some reason. Maybe she's not even the hottest one there (and taking a B-Class stripper usually means she "works" a little harder for that Andrew Jackson in your wallet), but she tickles your fancy. She can tell immediately, of course, because she is a pro. You're a seal and she's a shark that smells blood. That's how it starts.

You fend off the other girls that want you to buy dances from them. Some of them are nasty, others are cute and fun to flirt with… but you're distracted. You stall for time until your girl makes her rounds. You sit in there with you $9 beer and hope that she will come up to you and want to dance for you. You may even consider going to the atm really quick (despite the $10 fees) just in case she comes over. And then...

"What's your name?" she asks when she finally approaches you. She totally wants you.

She thinks you have a sexy name and she also apparently thinks that she should sit on your lap. Okay, I know it sounds dumb, but seriously dude, this girl is into you. She may even tell you how hot you are compared to your friend, who normal girls would consider to be more attractive, but the shark smelled the blood. I mean, it is so convincing when she says it, she is topless and sitting on your lap. She just doesn't say that to everybody.

Even so, you've got to play it cool because you know her game is tight. She's not some drunken party girl. A party girl wouldn't even bother to learn your name or what you do, but the stripper did take that time. If she isn't into you, then you think no one will ever be.

You have already become naive enough to think you might actually get some action at a strip club and you're not even finished with your second beer. When she starts dancing again she's only dancing for you. Also she's dancing a little bit for that fat guy at the other end of the bar and kind of for your friend sitting next to you, but you know it's mostly for you. She blushes when she catches eyes with you. After her dance she comes straight back to your lap; you're so in. Next thing you know, you've bought her three drinks and you're halfway through $100 worth of lapdances.

You talk for several hours, have more drinks and you buy a few more dances. Your tab runs around $500 more than you planned on spending. You ask for her number. You don't get her number, but she tells you to come back and see her again, but that's basically the same thing. You'll wonder for a good two days afterwards whether there was a real connection (in my case there always is). After that, your dopamine levels return to normal and reality sets in: what the hell were you thinking?

There you have it, you were hit by stripper love. It has been the downfall of several million bank accounts over the years. It has brought down empires, and given birth to babies. It starts and ends famine, and maybe be the sole origin of herpes. When you look back on it, you may regret not having the money, but you will always remember the first time you fell in love...with a stripper.

In the words of the immortal Paul Wall from T-Pain's Remix "I'm in Luv wit a Stripper":

"It was love at first sight when I seen that ass skain'
And bout fifty dollars later it was love in our makin'
Ya simply won my heart when I saw the way ya work that pole
And when you bent over ya had my wallet in a choke hold
I saw you in your birthday suit and baby it was fate
When you give me a lap dance its like we gone on a date
But I feel like ya cheatin on me when I see ya dancin' with other guys
I'm runnin' low on ones, I can't lie I'm in love baby"

It's got all the elements of a real romance: nudity, regret, and a hefty price tag. See, who needs a girlfriend? Strippers are way more awesome. Since awesome is the game I run, I like to run game on strippers. What can I say, I'm in love with a stripper.

Ménage à trois

2009-05-21T09:20:00.000-05:00

On this day in 1901, the first speed limit in history was passed. Connecticut became the first state to enact a speeding-driver law. The State General Assembly passed a bill submitted by Representative Robert Woodruff that stipulated the speed of all motor vehicles should not exceed 12mph on country highways and eight mph within city limits.
Mr. T turns 57 today. Notorious B.I.G. would have been 37.
The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so the called themselves Motorola.

Captain Awesome's Guide to Gambling: Three Card Poker

2009-05-19T09:08:00.000-05:00

One of the newer table games in a casino, three card poker is becoming quite popular. Also in this category is the Texas Holdem table game, that is unrelated to the poker game No Limit and Limit Texas Holdem.

In the Texas holdem table games you are trying to create a poker hand that beats the dealer's hand. There are community cards, and you have the initial bet which works like a preflop bet. You then put a bet out there if you wish to see the the turn based on what hand you've made on the flop, and then you again bet it on the turn. After the river comes out, all players who hold a better hand than the dealer win each of their bets. You can still win your initial bet if you don't bet after the flop or the turn. This is actually a pretty good game, and you don't have to worry about the play of other people at the table. Everyone is just hoping that you beat the dealer. There are also several side bets and payouts in regards to the starting cards you can get, such as getting suited queens to start. I recommend this game to people new to the casino life, it's fun exciting, and for the most part a good opportunity to win or at least break even. Enjoy.

Now in regards to the main game this post is about, is three card poker. A very popular game that has huge payout potential even if you aren't playing the highest stakes. This game is not only extremely easy to learn and play, but it is also a lot of fun.

here are three betting circles in front of each seat. The top betting circle is labeled Pair Plus where the player puts a wager on the pair plus game. Beneath that are two circles labeled Ante and Play for the base game. The game starts with the player making a wager in the Pair Plus and or Ante circle equal to the table minimum.

After all the players have made their bets the dealer will give each player a three card hand that is dealt by the Shuffle Master machine. Play begins with the first player to the dealer’s left and continues clockwise around the table.

If a player has made a bet on the Ante they must make their decision to fold or play after looking at their hand. If the player folds he forfeits their Ante wager. If the players want to continue they must make an additional bet in the Play circle equal to their Ante bet.

After all the players have made their decisions, the dealer will turn over his three card hand. The dealer needs to “qualify” with a hand of Queen or higher for play to continue. If the dealer’s hand does not contain a Queen or higher all players still active in the hand will be paid even money for their Ante wager and their bet on the Play will be returned to them.

If the dealer’s hand does qualify then their hand is compared to the player’s hand. If your hand beats the dealers hand you will be paid even money for your Ante and Play bets. If the dealer’s hand beats your hand you lose both bets. In the rare event of a tie then the player wins the hand.

Because you are only dealt three cards the hand ranking are a little different than with traditional five card hands. This is because of the mathematical probabilities of making certain hands. The hands are ranked for the highest to the lowest as follows:

Straight Flush. Three cards of the same suit in sequence. Example 6-7-8 of spades.
Three of a Kind. Three cards of equal rank.
Straight. Three cards in sequence of mixed suits.
Flush. Three cards of the same suit.
Pair. Two cards of equal rank.
High Card. The highest card in your hand.

There is a bonus payout on the Ante bet for certain hands and the bonus does not require an additional wager. If you have a straight, three-of-a-kind or straight flush, you will be paid a bonus whether you beat the dealer or not. The bonus payout is paid based on the pay table posted at the table. The payout schedule for the Ante Bonus varies from casino to casino but not by much. For a straight flush you will be paid 5 to 1 or 4 to 1. For three of a kind you will be paid 4 to 1 or 3 to 1. For a straight you receive 1 to 1 for your Ante bet.

The pay out structure for the Ante Bonus affects the overall house edge on the Ante/Play portion of the game. A payout of 5 -4 -1 has a house edge of about 3.4 percent. While the payout of 4 - 3- 1 has a house edge of 6.8 percent.

The Pair Plus wager is based only on whether your three card hand has a Pair or higher. It doesn’t matter if the dealer qualifies or even beats you if you have a bet on the Ante Game. If your hand has a pair or better you win. If it does not have at least a pair you will lose. On average you will be dealt a pair or better about 25 percent of the time.

The Pair Plus wager is paid based on the pay table established by the casino where you are playing. Some of the common pay tables along with their house edge are listed below.

Common Pay Structures
Hand Type	A	B	C	D
Straight Flush	40-1	40-1	40-1	40-1
3 of –a kind	30-1	25-1	30-1	30-1
Straight	6-1	6-1	5-1	6-1
Flush	4-1	4-1	4-1	3-1
Pair	1-1	1-1	1-1	1-1
House Edge	2.32	3.49	5.90	7.28

I hope this helps. This is another very good game to play if you don't have a huge bankroll and are looking for big payout opportunity. I enjoy three card poker whenever it can be found. My personal strategy is to bet all three spots without looking at my cards. It works at times and doesn't at others. Enjoy, and remember to tip your dealers, cocktails, and stripper (after you win big).