Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Inventors are smart.

So America is a list culture. We see it on TV, like David Letterman's top 10. People list out their favorite sports, their favorite bands, etc. People like to list the top events of a year, decade, century. That's just our culture.

I won't lie, Captain Awesome is an admitted a list maker, as you can see here. So I got in the mood to create a list. Today this list is a tribute to some of the greatest achievements that mankind has come up with. So this is a list of the greatest inventions in the eyes of Captain Awesome. I'll even go backwards Letterman style. Enjoy.

25. Forks: Sure spoons and knives are nice, but give me a good fork, and I can eat anything.

24. Sporks: Only a genius could invent the best of both worlds, a fork and a spoon.

23. The Printing Press: While reading is on it's way out, I can't deny that I love me a good Palahniuk book.

22. DVR/Tivo: I wasn't sold when they first came out, but now that I have one, I think I watch 18x's the TV.

21. iPod + iTunes: While I remember how cool I was when I upgraded from a Walkman to a Discman, only one constantly skipping CD and a product that had to be replaced each year, makes the iPod awesome. Buying music is so much easier as well.

20. Fedoras: What I really hate is that these hats have gone the by way of being everyday awesome wear like Frank Sinatra, Tom Landry, and Indiana Jones. Now only tools that wear Affliction and Ed Hardy shirts and rhinestone crusted jeans wear these awesome hats. They should be worn with suits and whips.

19. Advil: I may have killed myself during some pretty awful hangovers had I not had a bottle of this candy.

18. TV: Who doesn't love TV?

17. Cloning: One day I will definitely have 6 clones of myself, and I will only go out on Saturdays.

16. Flux Capacitor: I'm fully aware that this invention is not complete. But I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the greatness of Doctor Emmett Brown (pictured).

15. Gunpowder: This made hunting, warfare, and life a lot easier.

14. Cable TV: Seeing side boob, hearing the word penis, and maybe seeing a brief glimpse of untanned ass, makes for much better TV.

13. Cotton Gin: This may be in bad taste, but it made certain people's lives a little easier, and helped the southern United States become a powerhouse in the trade of King Cotton.

12. Airplanes: They have made travel fun and exciting. They have made terrorism and kidnapping a little easier. And they made the Mile High Club something more fun than just having sex in Denver. The whole terrorism thing drops it down lower on the list.

11. Telescopes: Seeing things really far away is just cool.

10. Porn on DVD: Do I really need to explain this to you guys?

9. Beer: Our population is over 6 Billion on this planet because of this tasty and intoxicating drink. It's been helping poor and unattractive men get laid for thousands of years. Maybe this should be higher on the list.

8. Money: Like beer this has made sex somewhat easier. It also makes buying beer easier, and suits and cars, etc. This could very easily be number 1.

7. Viagra: OK so, the last couple of thins have been related to making sex easier. People still want to do it when they get old don't they?

6. Phones/Cell Phones: The telegraph, letters, email, and texting are great, but talking is quicker and easier. iPhones are also cool.

5. Toilet Paper: Raw asses all over the world are thankful for this fantastic product. While the toilet should be in this spot, I'd have no problem shitting in the woods or in a bucket if I had a roll of triple ply. In 2 years I believe that this great invention will be 150 years old.

4. Suits: Fashion all over the world and throughout its history has been interesting, from togas to corsets. But in my opinion the suit is the best looking, sharpest form of dress. I think everyone should own at least one suit. I prefer at least one for each day of the weak. This includes tuxedos.

3. Lightsabers: Another invention of the future, yes. But how awesome will they be? Anyone who hasn't seen Star Wars and doesn't know what a lightsaber is, you died before before 1977.

2. The Condom: AIDS, Herpes, unplanned pregnancies... These things are very tough on life. So even if the Catholic Church likes all these things, Captain Awesome sure doesn't.

1. The Internet: What can this invention not do? College, shopping, cigars, alcohol, brides, porn, blogs, email, chat rooms, fantasy sports, viruses, software, hardware, google, twitter, facebook, news. All in one place. I am also aware that the computer did not make this list. I am combing the computer with the Internet. Enjoy

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Olympic Medals

So, the 2010 Winter Olympics are coming up. So I've decided to take time to enlighten my readers with the true difference between winning a bronze, silver, or gold medal. You see it really doesn't have much to do with being the best at something. Confused? Read on.


Here is the deal, most people in the world will be nothing more than a winner of the bronze. Why? Well it's simple, when I refer to winning Olympic medals, I'm talking about sexual achievement in any given night.

Winning a bronze is simple. All you have to do is have sex with a single partner in any given night. Now oral sex is not counted in this. There must be some form of penetration that occurs. If I had to throw a number out there, I'd say 90% of the world is content winning a bronze in the Olympics. Of course it is better than no medal at all...

So it's pretty simple, I really don't have to explain what the last two medals are, but I will anyway because it's my blog.


There are two different ways to win the silver. You can do it the more common way, and that is by having a threesome with two other people. For a guy, he would have to be with two girls, and for a girl, she would have to have two dudes delving into her nether region with their dividing rods.

There of course is also, the sex with two different partners in a night at separate occasions. And let me digress to point out, that it does not technically have to be in one night. A twenty-four hour time period begins upon the penetration of the first. And if you have sex with another person within that time period, you are now a silver medalist.

If you are just a silver medalist, don't fret, because you are in good company. Captain Awesome himself is only a silver medalist...for now...


Of course by now you are aware what it will take to win the gold.

More than two sexual partners in a twenty-four hour time span, and boom. You've got the gold.

If you are walking down the street and happen upon a foursome with three lovely ladies, well then my friend, you are either Hugh Hefner, or you just joined an elite club of gold medalists.

One day, I will hopefully become a member of this club. It would be more rewarding than say, the Nobel Peace Prize (of course they give that out for doing nothing these days...). Anyway, keep working toward the goal, and if you are a gold medalist, tell your story because you are awesome.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Nothing Wrong with Being Average...

Well since I have been deeply involved with learning what it will take to be a lawyer, I figure I should post a blog on a topic that anyone considering law school would be into. Grades.

I just finished my first semester. Class started back up today, and I finally got all my grades back, though no class rankings yet.

My grades for this first semester were a B, three B-'s, and a C. It doesn't get much average than that. I didn't excel in any class, and I didn't do awful in any class. From what I'm told, I shouldn't worry. So I'm not. I'm going to continue to work and hope I can pull a few A's out of this semester. I have been told of a good way to look at grades though, that may help those of you who may be upset by your grades, who may be considering law school, etc.

A students become professors.
B students become judges.
C students stay lawyers.
D students don't graduate.

I have know idea where that comes from, or if it is true, but I liked it. Maybe I'll prosecute a few years, become a judge (like the one pictured: Kenesaw Mountain Landis), then move into becoming a congressman and then a senator.

If you are in law school and got better grades than me, well congrats. Hopefully one day I'll meet you in court and make you look stupid, because while my studying and test taking skills are below your par and are only average, I do have exemplary oral skills... and yes I did intend that pun...

Stay Awesome.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy 2010

Happy new year bitches. A new decade for our decadence.

Be awesome in 2010.