Saturday, October 23, 2010

American League Champions...in Texas?

That's right, the Rangers have finally done it. They struck through the heart of the evil empire and drove that stake in till it was all said and done. They did it with the snowman at the helm, and they did it with Josh Hamilton being intentionally walked a record number of times.

During the regular season they were the walk off kings (see picture), but in the post season, they got on teams early and often. That's a true sign of a winner. I'm proud of the team. My family has been cheering for the Rangers for decades, and it has been tough the last 10 years, but our love of baseball has been completely revived with this 2010 season. I mean, you can check out the Fox news feature on my grandfather, Zonk (here). This aired about an hour before game time yesterday.

Anyway, I'm trying to prep for the finals of an intramural negotiation competition, so I don't have too much else to say other than, I'm ready for games 3-4-and if necessary 5 of the world series to hit DFW. The Rangers were awesome this year.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

It's the old LT

Well, Scoregasm steamrolled the Coital Cadavers this week, and has moved into a 4 way tie for 2nd place, but sit 4th based on points. There isn't much to dwell on with regards to my week 4 dominance. There were two guys that showed they still have it. Terrell Owens and LaDainian Tomlinson were playing like it was 2006. And it was a huge pay off for me.

I also got some good play from Drew Brees, DeAngelo Williams, and Eddie Royal. I also used my waiver spot to pick up Brett Favre who had been cut by the very shitty Come Get Some. I swept in and grabbed him after I heard the news of the Randy Moss trade. I think this will be a major trade chip soon. If it's not, having Favre on my roster won't be a bad thing.

This week, I get to face T-Bag. He is historically the worst fantasy football owner in our league. And he currently sits 0-4 and at the bottom of the standings. Expect me to be telling you next week about my dominance and becoming 4-1 after 5 weeks of play.

This is turning into a good fall. Go Rangers! Make my bet last January on you to win the World Series a good bet.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Funny of Die

That's right, I want to spread the word about some of the things I write about. I have begun posting some of my older blogs to the Internet phenomenon website, and there will be added bonuses as well.

Negro Willie and I plan on starting a series of webisodes in which we interview celebrities and sports stars. We will have to start small, but may have the opportunity to move up. We will also be reviewing movies, books, cigars, and alcohol. Anyway, there isn't much more to this blog, but for people who may read this, go over to this link: http://www.funnyordie.com/blogs/a14f4a62a4/the-lift and leave comments and like it and hopefully I will be featured by the website. Don't forget, you can like me on facebook, and you can do that here: http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/Captain-Awesome/58404243392?ref=ts.

Thanks, and stay awesome.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Total Domination in week 3.

Well my predictions were only half right. I did totally dominate Total Domination this past week. Peyton Hillis however had a monster game. The crazy thing, my bench may have outscored my starting lineup with fewer players. My optimal lineup was the best lineup of any team thanks in part to monster days by Roy UnoUno with the Cowboys, Mike Wallace breaking out in Pitt, Flacco found some rhythm and L.T. continues to be my best back.

Of course Drew Brees put up his usual numbers. Of my starters, I have to give credit where credit is due, and well that has to go to the monster day by Anquan Boldin (pictured). Three touchdowns, 140 something yards, and so he put up a whopping 31.96 points for me, even with his -6 passing yards.

Here is my biggest complaint of the week. and it goes toward the Carolina Panthers and their horrible offensive game plan. They are starting a rookie QB in Clausen, and so you figure the team is gonna be running the ball, so that's good news for DeAngelo Williams and Scoregasm. Wrong. In a close game, the entire game, John Fucking Fox decided it was in the best interest to let Clausen throw 33 times in the game. That decision led to an interception and two lost fumbles. On top of that Jonathan Stewart got an equivalent number of carries, including on the goal line. His line was a powerhouse 13 yards on eight carries, a touchdown and a lost fumble. That's good shit. While my boy DeAngelo got only 10 carries and dropped 64 yards on the Bengals defense. Now I'm no professional coach, but I do know some math and a 6.4 yards per carry average should get more carries as opposed to the guy who averaged 1.6 yards on the ground or the QB who completed fewer than 50% of his passes for only 5.7 yards per attempt...

So while Scoregasm still won, the shitty Panthers lost again. My analysis, John Fox is an idiot, and doesn't know anything about football. What a fucking cockbag, I bet he is gone by the end of the season.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Scoregasm got some in week 2

Well, as the fantasy football week comes screeching into week 3, Scoregasm's week 2 win celebration will run into a two time league champion.

I dominated the piss pour Come Get Some last week (thanks to a two td performance from Drew Brees (pictured)). And I plan on putting some total domination on Total Domination, who has twice held the title of league champion. Yahoo has me favored by around 9 points or so. His biggest problem is he is running 2 back up running backs at me. One of which is Jonathan Stewart who happens to be backing up my DeAngelo Williams. Advantage? Scoregasm. He is also running fullback Peyton Hillis out from Cleveland...against the Baltimore DEF... Advantage? Scoregasm. He would have better been suited for running the "demoted" Shonn Greene of the Jets out there. What's that? You second round running back Shonn Greene has 100 fewer rushing yards and 50 fewer receiving yard than his back up, my tenth round pick of LaDainian Tomlinson? Advantage? Scoregasm.

Prediction: Total Domination will go into week 4 with a record of 0-3, like the Vikings likely will, and Scoregasm will march into week 4 with a solid 2-1 record.

PS: Negro Willie's Sexy Hamburger's look a lot like the Dallas Cowboys. Talented, but still losers. I guess number 1 overall Chris Johnson was the wrong pick... See you in rivalry week bitch.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Octoberfest

The original "Oktoberfest" occurred in Munich, on October 18, 1810: For the commemoration of their marriage, Crown Prince Ludwig (later King Ludwig I) and Princess Therese of Saxe-Hildburghausen organized a great horse race (the marriage took place on October 12; the horse race on October 17—therefore, there are different dates named as being the first Oktoberfest). With all that said lets talk about what Octoberfest is really about. Its drinking ALOT of beer. Alot doesn't even come close to describe the amount of beer consumed at Octoberfest. Octoberfest is about drinking MASSIVE amounts of beer. Every year Octoberfest is held in Germany, locally it is held in Addison at Addison Circle. I myself have experienced Octoberfest in Addison for the past2 years and I will be partaking in the festivities again this year. It is becoming a tradition amongst my friends and I to go to Addison and get blackout drunk during Octoberfest. The attached picture is a blur in my mind. Well I'm not going to give you too much about our Octoberfest shenanigans right now so you will have to tune in for my Octoberfest recap, and I'm sure Captain Awesome will regale you with his Octoberfest stories as well.

Not So Sexy in Week 1


Week 1 for the Sexy Hamburgers was not a successful one. The Hamburgers dropped the first game of the season to the Renis Pinkles 104.62-94.32. Overall it was not a bad showing for the Burgers as Tom Brady showed that he is back to his terrific self and was deserving of that big contract. Chris Johnson Showed that he was worth the hype and deserved to be the #1 pick in every fantasy league. Some things that are cause for concern was the play of Jason Witten and Mario Manningham. I expect both players to have a big bounce back week in week 2. Witten is Romo's Favorite target so it's only a matter of time before they connect and start putting up big numbers. As for Manningham i expect him to have a big game against a Colts Secondary that is once again missing Bob Sanders. I also hope that Mark Sanchez Will have some time to pass the ball down field to Braylon Edwards i n week 2. I Drafted Edwards thinking that this would be his bounce back year. I know its only week 1 but the Jets offense was just offensive. On a sad Note the Hamburgers lost Ryan Grant to a season ending ankle injury. He was going to be a vital part to the Hamburgers road to a champion. The Sexy Hamburgers will have to play extra sexy as they go up against team Led Heads in week 2. Stay Sexy.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Scoregasm fails to get off in Week 1

Well, it happens to everybody. They think they've drafted the unbeatable team, and then Arian Foster (pictured) happens to you. With a line that reads 231 rush yards, 3 rushing touchdowns, and 7 yards receiving, Foster put in his best effort to dash the opening week of fantasy for Scoregasm. In the Donkey Punch league format, Foster posted a 41.80 spot, which is very rare.

While week 1 isn't over, as I have Anquan Boldin and the Baltimore defense looking to embarrass the Jets on Monday Night Football, I doubt the two are likely to put up a combined 55-60 points required for me to take the week (he still has Miles Austin on the field still). So while this blog is coming in a little early, my hope now is come Tuesday morning, I can write an update along the lines of Boldin running up about 180 yards, 3 touchdowns, and the Baltimore defense can pitch a shutout, with 5 sacks, 3 picks and a take at least on of those picks in for a pick six.

Unfortunately, my blog counterpart's team, the Sexy Hamburgers, got essentially a "bye week" since he got to play historically one of the worst teams in the league.

Anyway, hopefully Week 2 is a much more fulfilling fantasy week for Scoregasm.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The Circle of Life?

So I'm sitting in Constitutional Law recently, and when I should be learning about why Congress can use the Commerce Clause to tell a BBQ joint in Alabama in 1964 that even though they serve everyone, they have to allow blacks to sit at the tables, despite what it will do to their business, and well I can't help but think, I'm bored with being a human...

Humans have way to many problems, and they bitch about everything. They bitch if someone treats them bad, and they make the argument because it's about skin color, or gender, or sexual orientation. Have you ever thought you might just be a giant douche bag? Doubt it. I know plenty of people don't like me, is it because of my Italian or Irish blood? Is it because the things in life I enjoy are drinking, gambling, and smoking cigars? I doubt it, people generally dislike me because I'm an asshole. I know I'm an asshole, but I'm good at it, so I probably always will be one.

Anyway, back to why I'm writing this blog. Instead of learning about the Commerce Clause, I thought about what I would rather be, and I think I nailed it. I want to be a motherfucking lion. I want to be king of the pride. Where my only jobs involve eating what the women bring me, banging each of the women in my pride, and killing or exiling any other male lions trying to move in on me, and sleeping. That is a pretty good life.

I wouldn't have to hear other lions bitch about how life isn't fair. You don't hear lions say, "The only reason you exiled me is because my mane is darker than yours." Or, "I'm not going hunting tonight and bringing you dinner, because as a woman I have rights too." Of course the thing you would never hear is, "Not tonight, I don't feel good, I have a headache." As a lion who was king of the pride, you just have to tell that bitch to bend over and take it like a lioness (pictured).

Now let me ask you this: Doesn't being a lion sound awesome?

Monday, August 30, 2010

Sexy Champions

Last season I finished in 2nd place in the Donkey Punches fantasy league. This year my team; the Sexy Hamburgers are poised to win it all this season. I was lucky enough to have the first pick in the draft, so naturally I selected Chris Johnson, and as you can see the Sexy Hamburgers are very happy to have him on the team. Here is the rest of the Hamburgers roster.

QB: Tom Brady
WR: Donald Driver
WR: Braylon Edwards
WR:Kenny Britt
RB: Chris Johnson
RB: Ryan Grant
TE: Jason Witten
K: Ryan Longwell
DEF: Green Bay
BN; Joseph Addai
BN: Darren Sproles
BN: Mark Sanchez
BN: Mario Manningham
BN: Brian Westbrook
I am pretty happy with the way my draft turned out. It's hard to be upset when you have the #1 overall pick. Along with Captain Awesome I will be updating you on how my road to a championship is going. PLAY LIKE SEXY CHAMPIONS!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Fantasy Football Update

Well, the draft didn't go quite as I hoped, but I am quite happy with my lineup. I had the 10th pick in the draft of 12 teams. Here is what the Scoregasm roster looks like:

QB: Drew Brees*
QB: Vince Young
RB: DeAngelo Williams*
RB: Matt Forte*
RB: LaDainian Tomlinson
WR: Anquan Boldin*
WR: Terrell Owens*
WR: Roy Williams*
WR: Mike Wallace
WR: Jerricho Cotchery
TE: Brent Celek*
TE: Zach Miller
K: David Buehler*
DEF: Baltimore Ravens*

The starters are noted with a *, and I am a fan of my roster. I see the chip in my future, especially if L.T. (pictured) puts out some solid production with the Jets as the third down back and goal line guy that I expect him to be.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Fantasy Football

Ah, it's that time of the year again. When men all across the country get together, get drunk, and pretend to be NFL owners. I am one of those men.

This year is a big year in the Donkey Punch League for Team Scoregasm. You see, I finished dead last for the first time last year, which really sucks because I wasn't even supposed to. I gave up 1 of my 3 wins due to a controversy on a TD and whether it was a defensive touchdown. Yahoo said it wasn't, but the NFL said it was, so our league ruled with the NFL. This hurt especially since the previous season I was in the playoffs, though I lost in the first round, and the year before I lead the league in regular season, but due some injuries I ended up finishing 3rd on the season. This is going to be our 5th season as a group, though we have had some people drop out, and we've added players each year as well. But there are about 8 guys who have been playing each year, and this should be a long lasting league. But enough about that. Let's talk strategy.

Every year I draft Carson Palmer (pictured), and every year he disappoints my team. This year I am going to give him one more shot. I may even go after a T.O. or an Ochocinco to get some of those double point tds. At running back, my targets are Michael Turner, L.T., and Ricky Williams (who has carried my team at points the last couple of years). Wide receivers I'm looking at include Anquan Boldin, Braylon Edwards, Roy "UnoUno" Williams, and Steve Smith (NYG). At tight end, I was going to give Jason Witten another shot, but with all the O-line injuries with the Cowboys this year, I think he will be back to blocking in the red zone, so I doubt he improves on his total of 2 tds this year (1 which came in week 17 and did me no good). Since I am avoiding big 82 from the 'boys, I'm going to go after a couple of guys who may have big comebacks headed there way in Kellen Winslow and Chris Cooley, of course Antonio Gates wouldn't be a horrible pick either. And the picks that turn out to matter the most, the DEF and K, well I'll probably take the best available come round 10. Maybe a CIN or SF def, and a David Akers at K.

Well, I think those guys can put me in a good spot to challenge for a title. Some sleeper picks include Matt Leinart, Larry Johnson, Steve Breaston, and Mike Wallace. To all the other fantasy footballers out there, good luck, hope my picks may help you.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Time Travel

So this morning a movie came on that I haven't seen in a long time. It was Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. I forgot how awesome that movie was. It had some of history's most important people in it. Some of the historical figures included Joan of Arc, Billy the Kid, and Abraham Lincoln. Watching this movie got me thinking about other time travel movies and where they would rank. So I decided to put together a list of my favorite time travel movies.

#5. Hot Tub Time Machine

It's a newer movie but for those who have seen it will agree that its a great movie. It has a funny cast that delivers some funny lines such as "It's so impossibly black!" I support this movie.

#4. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

I explained earlier why this movie is on my list but let me add one more thing. KEANU. Nuff said.

#3. The Time Machine

This is a movie that took me a while to come around on. In this list I am counting the original and the remake together because it's my list and I can do that. I like the remake better because Samantha Mumba looked good and she's a black girl with an Irish accent. How often do you see that?

#2. Terminator 1 & 2

Some people might have these movies number 1 on their list, but like I said earlier this is my list and I have it at number 2. These movies had awesome guns and awesome special effects. My only problem with Terminator 2 is that the black guy had to die, other than that I give both movies 2 thumbs up.

#1. Back to the Future 1, 2, &3

How can you not like these movies? Doc Brown, Marty McFly, Marvin Berry, hover boards, 80's cafe, the DeLorean and the Flux Capacitor. It has everything that makes time travel possible. I had the chance to meet the actor that plays Marvin Berry and he still loves the trilogy, plus he did his famous line for me. "Chuck, it's me Marvin... your cousin, Marvin Berry. You know that new sound you've been looking for? Well listen to this." Hands down the best time travel movie ever.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Breathing is first, winning is second.

Today baseball should be mourning a man who changed the game. The Boss, George Steinbrenner, died today at the age of 80. This is a big blow to the New York Yankees and Major League Baseball.

I myself was not a fan of him, though I liked his style. I am a Texas Rangers fan, and so being a fan of anything related to the Yankees is tough, but I give respect to a man who should be considered one of the greatest sports franchise owners of all time, regardless of the sport.

Tonight they play an All-Star game in Anaheim, so even though there are 6 Rangers in the game, I would be happy to see the Yankees have a great game in honor of their former owner.

To the Steinbrenner family, best of luck to all of you, and you have my condolences. I'm sure you will keep on with the Steinbrenner tradition of winning championships no matter what it is going to cost you. I am also glad your Cliff Lee deal failed. Also thanks to you, Dallas has Jerry Jones and Mark Cuban, but why couldn't you done better work on Tom Hicks?

So to close it out, I'm refrain from one of my normal awesome comments and leave with a quote coined by the late George III, "Breathing is first, winning is second."

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Happy 4th of July Weekend

Well this is my second blog and it comes at a very good time. This weekend is the 4th of July which means lots of drinking, grilling, fireworks, baseball, saluting watermelon, being an American, and of course the inflatable slip n slide.

Some of you may ask yourself what an inflatable slip n slide has to do with the 4th of July. Well if you were in Austin Texas last year (pictured right) and are going this year you will understand. The inflatable slip n slide is the greatest thing ever (pictured below).

You might think that I'm am over hyping the inflatable slip and slide but let me explain. During the summers of our childhood we all liked to go swimming. Well sometimes the pool was closed and other forms of water fun were needed to combat the hot Texas sun. that is when the slip n slide came in handy.

The slip n slide combines 2 things that kids love to do; that's getting wet and sliding. As we got older it became taboo for an adult to use a slip n slide. People would look at you like you were crazy, but lets be real. We all have an inner child that needs to get out sometimes.

That is exactly what will be happening this weekend. To help celebrate our country being awesome, I Negro Willie, Captain Awesome and others will be going to Austin to indulge in drinking, being awesome, and of course the inflatable slip n slide.

So to all Americans, enjoy your weekend, be safe, and be Awesome.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Damn, I love Vegas.

A city one can never get enough of, where the sands of the desert turn to gold. Where alcohol flows like milk and honey, where one roll of the dice, spin of the wheel, or splitting eights can make you big money. Las Vegas. I love that town.

As the bachelor party got an extension in Vegas, I felt the need to recant some of the occurrences of the weekend. We had everything from a Hibachi dinner to bottle service at Olympic Gardens to a couple of amazing rolls at the craps table, and even a nap in a bathtub. I can't forget our run-in with a very good quality "Alan from Hangover" attempt (see picture).

Something that must be talked about though was how hot the tables were for a while, and how fast they cooled.

I took $200 and my players card to a craps table in the Hardrock with dreams of an upgrade to a villa. The villa didn't happen, mostly because the hotel was booked full. So I started betting small, I had my $12 bets on the 6 and 8, and had $10 on the 4 and 10, which I bought when they hit. The guy rolling seemed to be throwing pretty solid, and so after hitting a few numbers I bumped it up. So with bets of $24 on 6 and 8, I bought the 4 and 10 for a quarter, and through a quarter on the 5 and 9. At this point I was feeling pretty good with the bankroll up to about $500. So I bumped it all up again, and kept it going, when my stack hit $750, I couldn't stop. I kept 4 and 10 at a quarter, had $50 on the 5 and 9, and was rocking $60 on my 6 and 8 (these bets were every changing with what the point was, I was betting $50 on my odds for the point, for a better understanding of the game of craps you can read this).

So the table was hot, I was bumped up at this point to about $1500, with a couple hundred of that riding on the table. It was one of the hottest run I'd been on at a table, the sad thing is, the guy throwing only made about $200 bucks for himself. He never pressed any of his bets, and was essentially only betting his odds. Oh well, I cashed out around $1200, and the dealers throughout that run made about $250 off me on the line and odds bets I was making for them. I also didn't shoot too bad myself (pictured).

Why did I tell this story as opposed to the 2 bottle night at Olympic Gardens, well that's because gambling is awesome. I am Captain Awesome, and I had an awesome run at the tables that night, and the next day another run for about $800. This of course was scattered around to several horrible $200 sessions of blackjack, and one cold craps table on the last day, after we had already checked out that cost me around $500. Considering the meals I ate, and the alcohol I consumed and the fun that I had, it was well worth it. I will make my normal six month return come December.

Damn, I love Vegas.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Ah, Bachelor Parties...

A time honored tradition for the sucker that overpaid for a diamond and is dropping a lot of cash so his friends can get drunk as he shows his love to someone that hopefully has a nice rack.

The bachelor party is the only reason why grooms have best men. I am one of those best men. I have scheduled two different bachelor parties, one of which has already occurred. We had a local bachelor party this past Saturday, and in two weeks, me and the Groom and possibly Negro Willie will be in Vegas for a second bachelor party.

We held the one in Dallas for everyone who couldn't afford Vegas, and quite honestly I can't even afford Vegas, but I always find a way to do Sin City.

I will essentially describe what went down this past Saturday, just so that any future best men out there may have some good ideas based on what Captain Awesome scheduled. This entire bachelor party was a complete surprise to the groom. He had no idea what was going on until we got to Javier's.
Saturday, June 12, 2010:

5:00pm- Suit up, head into Dallas to pick up the Groom.
6:00pm- Cigars and scotch in a nice little cigar lounge with just the groom and one other person.
9:00pm- Dinner at Javier's Gourmet Mexicano. Great food, great margaritas.
10:30pm- Move over to the Cigar Lounge at Javier's and everyone has a cigar and a few more drinks. (Pictured below)

Sunday, June 13, 2010:
12:15am- Stop at 7-11 for cash and 2 cases of beer.
12:30am- Arrive at the Clubhouse in Dallas (Full nude, BYOB). Lap dance right away for the groom, and they continue for the rest of the night. (Pictured above)
3:30am- Leave the strip club, and head home.
5:00am- Pass out.
2:30pm- Post whatever pictures we got.

This turned out to be a great bachelor party, if you want any other ideas, feel free to shoot me an email. Once again, find your awesome.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Losing Friends

It's always tough when someone you know dies. It's even tougher when that someone is a friend. This past week after a hit and run accident, I lost a friend. Baxter (pictured next to me), we all will miss you.

He was a fun guy to hang out with, though he often let his temper get the best of him. I believe he had my number memorized, which is rare in this day and age, of course it was so that he could have me bail him out of jail when he needed it (he did).

I'll be honest, the guy was always smiling. He had differences with roommates, but they all cared about him. I didn't talk to him much over the last two years because we'd both left Denton, and we both were moving on from out college days. The last time I talked to him was through text about two or three months back, and all that occurred was your typical, "hey man, what's up?" and he asked me for another friend's phone number.

I wish I'd talked to him more since I left Denton, and now I regret it now. If anybody that reads this knew, write a comment so others get an idea of who Baxter Odom was.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Negro Willie and Flying Saucer

So, I told you in the last post that Negro Willie was getting his saucer on the wall. This can be seen in the picture next to what you are reading... ---------------------------------------> Look here.

Do you see it? Well you should be able to. Now read it closely. "It's ok, it's just the furnace." I feel it is my duty to share the story related to this plate post.

So about two springs ago, Negro Willie and Captain Awesome took a road trip down to the big ATX to visit Drew the Jew. The weekend I believe is known as roundup down around those parts, and that meant it was a good time to get super drunk on free beer at Drew's ATO house. Can't really argue with that can you?

So we go through about 15-20 Keystones a piece, and get in about ten solid games of BASEketball. We probably played a few other games such as beer pong, or flip cup. I'll be honest, I don't really remember. There was a pretty killer 80's cover band there though, and that made for some enjoyment. Anyway, about 3:00am the night moved on to J in the B.

I got myself six tacos, and what Drew the Jew and Negro Willie got has long slipped my memory. Eventually we all pass out. I had the couch in the living room, the Jew was in his bed, and Willie took the carpeted floor in the Jew's room as the living room consisted of hard wood floors.

So about 5:30am rolls around, and I hear some jostling in the kitchen. I look up and Negro Willie is peeing in the corner of the kitchen. The conversation, I shit you not, went exactly as follows:

C.A.: "Will, what the fuck are you doing?"
N.W.: "It's ok, it's just the furnace."
C.A.: "Oh, ok."

From there on I went back to sleep completely ignoring the recent occurrence. It is at this time that I would like to point out, that the Drew's bathroom was in his bedroom. Therefore Willie walked further to pee on the kitchen floor than he would have to pee in the designated restroom areas. Drew the Jew learned of the pee on the floor later the next day, and Willie subsequently had to clean it up.

All in all, a pretty awesome weekend, with a classic drunk quote that has forever been immortalized at the Flying Saucer in Addison.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

An apology.

I would like to apologize to the loyal readers. I have been slacking on my duties, and so has Negro Willie (whose 1 blog is dwarfed by my 100+ count). I have been quite the busy bee. Law school and being awesome have essentially stolen all my time away from my duties of writing this free blog for people who enjoy or laugh at, or fuel there hatred and jealousy of me. For those who are jealous, if you just read this for it's substantive value, you could be awesome too, I mean look at me, I am awesome, it can't be that hard for you!

Anyway, I just finished the trial brief for my 1L year in law school, and it was time consuming. Had I know how tedious the research, writing, and citations were going to be, I may have rethought law school. I mean I was really only looking for a profession where I got to where a suit everyday, and I could afford to continue to purchase suits to look awesome.

On another note, I purchased a brand new custom fit fedora for everyday where (pictured), and I just wanted to throw props to Peters Brothers Hats for hooking me up with such an awesome hat, it will protect my head from the sun, while at the same time make me look more awesome in my suits than I already do. You should pick yourself up one today.

Anyway, I want to once again apologize for the lack of blogging from Team Awesome, I mean I at least have the excuse of being in law school. Negro Willie's only excuse I s'pose is that he is black, and so he stereotypically is lazy. Which I guess he really is. Though he is finally joining the UFO club at Flying Saucer this weekend for drinking 200 beers, so that should be fun. I received my acceptance and had my ceremony back in December, so it's nice to see him catch up. So until next time stay awesome.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Black History Month


Where the white women at? That is the million dollar question tonight. The answer is they will be at the Jay Z concert. Does anyone find it odd that the only time Jay Z cames to town to do a concert is during Black History Month? I find it sad because every black stereotype will be in full effect tonight. Here are some examples.


1) Bluetooth in the ear while not talking on the phone.

2) Weed will be smoked all night

3) Jorts (if you don't know what jorts are see picture)

4) A new stereotype is sagging in skinny jeans

5) Fights will break out

6) none of the acts will start on time


Obviously I am leaving of alot but this is my first blog so I had to start somewhere. Stay tuned for more blogs.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

New Writing Talent.

So under threat of civil rights issues, I've brought on a "black writer." His name is Negro Willie, and over the years he has mastered several jobs. He is a great driver, he tastes my food before I eat, he bleaches carpet, he has sex with white girls, and he has broken the mold and learned to not steal (I think).

I've decided to have good ole Willie write (he will also write his own introduction soon) for several reasons. One I am really busy with writing legal mumbo-jumbo for school, two if I'm not doing school related things, I am probably either super hungover and/or drunk. Three I think he may be able to handle writing an occasional amusing blog.

My hopes are that through this process he gains some new skills. Like he could gain the skill of being a much better wing-man. He could learn to have sex with black girls. He could do something with the Internet that is not related to free porn.

Anyway, he works for the Ticket, and maybe this will make the guys on the radio (who aren't really that funny) see that Negro Willie is at least a little funnier than they are and he can get some air time. Then I can drop out of law school, and we can host a radio show called "The Captain and Willie" (working title). Until then enjoy his commentary on things related to cigars, sports, politics, and possibly crack?...

As another disclaimer, I do not fully endorse anything he writes, unless I happen to acknowledge it on here. He is writing as his own self, and is not a representation of Captain Awesome. He is after all a sidekick. But he is a cool sidekick like Tonto or R2D2, not a gay sidekick like Samwise Gamgee. If you remember the show Doug on Nickelodeon, then think of Captain Awesome as Doug, and Negro Willie as Skeeter Valentine.

Anyway until his first blog, stay awesome.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Inventors are smart.

So America is a list culture. We see it on TV, like David Letterman's top 10. People list out their favorite sports, their favorite bands, etc. People like to list the top events of a year, decade, century. That's just our culture.

I won't lie, Captain Awesome is an admitted a list maker, as you can see here. So I got in the mood to create a list. Today this list is a tribute to some of the greatest achievements that mankind has come up with. So this is a list of the greatest inventions in the eyes of Captain Awesome. I'll even go backwards Letterman style. Enjoy.

25. Forks: Sure spoons and knives are nice, but give me a good fork, and I can eat anything.

24. Sporks: Only a genius could invent the best of both worlds, a fork and a spoon.

23. The Printing Press: While reading is on it's way out, I can't deny that I love me a good Palahniuk book.

22. DVR/Tivo: I wasn't sold when they first came out, but now that I have one, I think I watch 18x's the TV.

21. iPod + iTunes: While I remember how cool I was when I upgraded from a Walkman to a Discman, only one constantly skipping CD and a product that had to be replaced each year, makes the iPod awesome. Buying music is so much easier as well.

20. Fedoras: What I really hate is that these hats have gone the by way of being everyday awesome wear like Frank Sinatra, Tom Landry, and Indiana Jones. Now only tools that wear Affliction and Ed Hardy shirts and rhinestone crusted jeans wear these awesome hats. They should be worn with suits and whips.

19. Advil: I may have killed myself during some pretty awful hangovers had I not had a bottle of this candy.

18. TV: Who doesn't love TV?

17. Cloning: One day I will definitely have 6 clones of myself, and I will only go out on Saturdays.

16. Flux Capacitor: I'm fully aware that this invention is not complete. But I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the greatness of Doctor Emmett Brown (pictured).

15. Gunpowder: This made hunting, warfare, and life a lot easier.

14. Cable TV: Seeing side boob, hearing the word penis, and maybe seeing a brief glimpse of untanned ass, makes for much better TV.

13. Cotton Gin: This may be in bad taste, but it made certain people's lives a little easier, and helped the southern United States become a powerhouse in the trade of King Cotton.

12. Airplanes: They have made travel fun and exciting. They have made terrorism and kidnapping a little easier. And they made the Mile High Club something more fun than just having sex in Denver. The whole terrorism thing drops it down lower on the list.

11. Telescopes: Seeing things really far away is just cool.

10. Porn on DVD: Do I really need to explain this to you guys?

9. Beer: Our population is over 6 Billion on this planet because of this tasty and intoxicating drink. It's been helping poor and unattractive men get laid for thousands of years. Maybe this should be higher on the list.

8. Money: Like beer this has made sex somewhat easier. It also makes buying beer easier, and suits and cars, etc. This could very easily be number 1.

7. Viagra: OK so, the last couple of thins have been related to making sex easier. People still want to do it when they get old don't they?

6. Phones/Cell Phones: The telegraph, letters, email, and texting are great, but talking is quicker and easier. iPhones are also cool.

5. Toilet Paper: Raw asses all over the world are thankful for this fantastic product. While the toilet should be in this spot, I'd have no problem shitting in the woods or in a bucket if I had a roll of triple ply. In 2 years I believe that this great invention will be 150 years old.

4. Suits: Fashion all over the world and throughout its history has been interesting, from togas to corsets. But in my opinion the suit is the best looking, sharpest form of dress. I think everyone should own at least one suit. I prefer at least one for each day of the weak. This includes tuxedos.

3. Lightsabers: Another invention of the future, yes. But how awesome will they be? Anyone who hasn't seen Star Wars and doesn't know what a lightsaber is, you died before before 1977.

2. The Condom: AIDS, Herpes, unplanned pregnancies... These things are very tough on life. So even if the Catholic Church likes all these things, Captain Awesome sure doesn't.

1. The Internet: What can this invention not do? College, shopping, cigars, alcohol, brides, porn, blogs, email, chat rooms, fantasy sports, viruses, software, hardware, google, twitter, facebook, news. All in one place. I am also aware that the computer did not make this list. I am combing the computer with the Internet. Enjoy

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Olympic Medals

So, the 2010 Winter Olympics are coming up. So I've decided to take time to enlighten my readers with the true difference between winning a bronze, silver, or gold medal. You see it really doesn't have much to do with being the best at something. Confused? Read on.

BRONZE MEDALISTS:

Here is the deal, most people in the world will be nothing more than a winner of the bronze. Why? Well it's simple, when I refer to winning Olympic medals, I'm talking about sexual achievement in any given night.

Winning a bronze is simple. All you have to do is have sex with a single partner in any given night. Now oral sex is not counted in this. There must be some form of penetration that occurs. If I had to throw a number out there, I'd say 90% of the world is content winning a bronze in the Olympics. Of course it is better than no medal at all...

So it's pretty simple, I really don't have to explain what the last two medals are, but I will anyway because it's my blog.

SILVER MEDALISTS:

There are two different ways to win the silver. You can do it the more common way, and that is by having a threesome with two other people. For a guy, he would have to be with two girls, and for a girl, she would have to have two dudes delving into her nether region with their dividing rods.

There of course is also, the sex with two different partners in a night at separate occasions. And let me digress to point out, that it does not technically have to be in one night. A twenty-four hour time period begins upon the penetration of the first. And if you have sex with another person within that time period, you are now a silver medalist.

If you are just a silver medalist, don't fret, because you are in good company. Captain Awesome himself is only a silver medalist...for now...

GOLD MEDALIST:

Of course by now you are aware what it will take to win the gold.

More than two sexual partners in a twenty-four hour time span, and boom. You've got the gold.

If you are walking down the street and happen upon a foursome with three lovely ladies, well then my friend, you are either Hugh Hefner, or you just joined an elite club of gold medalists.

One day, I will hopefully become a member of this club. It would be more rewarding than say, the Nobel Peace Prize (of course they give that out for doing nothing these days...). Anyway, keep working toward the goal, and if you are a gold medalist, tell your story because you are awesome.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Nothing Wrong with Being Average...

Well since I have been deeply involved with learning what it will take to be a lawyer, I figure I should post a blog on a topic that anyone considering law school would be into. Grades.

I just finished my first semester. Class started back up today, and I finally got all my grades back, though no class rankings yet.

My grades for this first semester were a B, three B-'s, and a C. It doesn't get much average than that. I didn't excel in any class, and I didn't do awful in any class. From what I'm told, I shouldn't worry. So I'm not. I'm going to continue to work and hope I can pull a few A's out of this semester. I have been told of a good way to look at grades though, that may help those of you who may be upset by your grades, who may be considering law school, etc.

A students become professors.
B students become judges.
C students stay lawyers.
D students don't graduate.

I have know idea where that comes from, or if it is true, but I liked it. Maybe I'll prosecute a few years, become a judge (like the one pictured: Kenesaw Mountain Landis), then move into becoming a congressman and then a senator.

If you are in law school and got better grades than me, well congrats. Hopefully one day I'll meet you in court and make you look stupid, because while my studying and test taking skills are below your par and are only average, I do have exemplary oral skills... and yes I did intend that pun...

Stay Awesome.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy 2010

Happy new year bitches. A new decade for our decadence.

Be awesome in 2010.