Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The Secret to Soul Mates.

Good day readers. How are things in Awesome World? I can only assume that they are awesome.

Well today, I plan on getting deep with my blog. So deep it may hurt you. I sat down with a cigar and a scotch and just went all deep on your asses. I am going to broach a subject that I believe no other blog in the history of the world has ever touched on. I am going to talk about love. I am going to tell you how and why it happens, and what it is that makes you feel you have found a soul mate. All of my theories have been factually backed up through test data and are proven time and time again. I hope that everyone here will learn a lot and you gain a true understanding on what it is to find a "soul mate."

Love is defined in many ways, and can be seen in several different forms and fashion. I love my mom, I love scotch, I love to have my penis touched by members of the opposite gender. This is not to say that I am in love with any of the previously mentioned items (well, maybe). You see many people believe they fall in love with someone that they have a lot in common with and have shared certain "experiences" with them. This is rarely the case, as can be seen with the high rate of divorce.

I have a theory on the soul (if it exists) and how it speaks to other people. You see, to find a soul mate, you have to find a connection with somebody. This can be done in several different ways, but there are two ways that are extremely popular. The first is probably the most common way for two people to discover if they are soul mates, this being the open mouthed kiss with tongue. You see the tongue is a portal for the soul, so when two tongue's touch, it gives a soul to soul experience for the two people involved. This is helpful because it allows the soul to choose on it's own rather than relying on the indecisive human vessel it currently resides in. You must be careful though, sometimes only one of the souls feels good about the other soul, therefore not making you soul mates, but sometimes that person and their soul might be a little crazy...

The second way to discover a soul mate is by way of a second less intimate portal. This being the penis and vagina. Unprotected sexual intercourse is a pure way for souls to speak to each other. This of course has many faults. You see, because gay guys had sex with monkey's somewhere in Africa, we now have AIDS, and we also have Herpes because some guy had a three way with a woman and the Devil (my guess it was Adam and Eve). There are also people who are retarded and refuse to use their ability to pull out, therefore they reproduce and we continue to have retarded babies. So condoms have limited people in their quest to find true soul mates. It is only after they get married and have that unprotected penis to vagina contact that they learn they aren't soul mates, which in turn leads to kids and divorce.

Now you may ask, isn't it possible to find your soul mate without allowing the souls to mingle via tongue portals or penis to vagina contact? Well yes it is, but it is not easy. You see, sometimes there are people who are soul mates because reasons just make so much sense that their soul can have no argument. Usually this is related to common goals that bring a relation to the soul that makes sense. Two athletes can come (and yes I considered using "cum" but I want this to be a respected blog) together to create a super athlete spawn that will one day win Olympic Gold or sign a 10 year, $100 million contract to play baseball. There are young, sexy ladies whose goal it is to marry a rich, successful older man, and likewise there are rich, successful older men whose goal it is to marry arm candy in the form of young and sexy ladies, giving you another scenario where they are clearly soul mates.

People can also find their soul mates, simply by getting lucky. It's like when you are at the blackjack table and hit three blackjacks in a row, or your 50-1 horse comes in first, or you take a random shot in the dark in Final Jeopardy after wagering everything you had and guess right to become a 5-Day Champion. Those are all instances where luck is clearly on your side, and sometimes your soul has that same luck.

The soul, in very rare instances can be wrong, sometimes it caves into your belief that someone is the one, this case is mostly seen in men, but it can venture out in certain women. It's when your brain and penis tell your soul that a girl is the one because maybe she has rocking tits, or keeps her bush trimmed just how you like it, or she has skills in bed that make you feel like you should pay her. That's when the rest of your body may fight your soul in making a correct assumption of who your soul mate is. Always be on guard for this, this can be a very touch issue to get around. If you can control this, then you are quite on your way to finding your soul mate.

I hope this information proves useful to you in the search of soul mates and true love. And remember, don't get married till you are on your way out of your 20's and moving into your 30's. There is no reason to throw away the best party years of your life to get married when you aren't ready, even if you have already found your soul mate (which I doubt since you are too young to have had an opportunity to allow your soul many different portals to try...).

Anyway, until next time, keep on keeping awesomeness alive.

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