Friday, May 29, 2009

The Faithful Departed...

So I have one question... What the hell is North Korea thinking? I mean seriously, why won't Kim Jong-il get the picture. Has he never heard of Saddam Hussein, Slobodan Milošević, Antonio López de Santa Anna or Adolf Hitler, just to name a few? And these are just some of the major names. There are several South American dictators who never had a chance, that's how good the C.I.A. and the United States are.

The United States, and our allies have helped put several political leaders and governments in their place. And I won't even get into the messy details of the Cold War that went on with the United States and and the Soviet Union behind Joseph Stalin, Nikita Khrushchev, Alexei Kosygin, and Mikhail Gorbachev, only to name a few of the eleven leaders before the fall of the U.S.S.R.

So looking at these names, and the countries, and mind you, these are only a few. What the hell dude? Why test us? The United States, despite having a liberal "Know-nothing" in the White House, will not put up with this shit. Democrats aren't as spineless as they always appear. Clinton went after Milošević (President of Yugoslavia) because of his reign of terror and genocides in Bosnia, Croatia, and all the war crimes in Kosovo. In fact, more United States soldiers died under the eight Clinton years, than in the eight Bush years recently ended. And we were fighting two simultaneous wars under Bush mind you.

So Kim Jong-il, I'm just saying, do you really want to end up like Benito Mussolini and have your head on a stake as U.S. soldiers march through your capitol? Do you want to force yourself in your bunker and kill yourself? Do you want your government to fall?

My advice to you is only one thing. Take a page out of the Fidel Castro book. Hate Americans, just don't do anything that really truly pisses them off to where they feel the need to send in their own troops. Of course that's not to say that we won't send in waves of North Korean refugees that we have trained with a promise of U.S. support that never really is there...

Of course, you may also have made a deal with the devil like Castro, so there is the possibility that you can't die.

So to the faithful departed, Nazi Germany, Soviet Russia, Fascist Italy, Santa Anna's Mexico, several South American dictatorships, Hussein's Republic of Iraq, the Ottoman Empire, Austro-Hungarian Empire, etc. and of course there was the first time that we dealt with North Korea...

I hope you get to read this Kim, but if you don't I'm sure someone will. Just keep your missiles on lock down and stay quiet till you are no longer in office. Had I been president, you'd already have the United States Marine Corp knocking on your door, but that's because I don't feel the need to put up with shit like that. If you do choose however to go to war with the United Nations or the United States, or Russia, or South Korea, or China, Luxembourg, or even Antarctica, I can put a guarantee down, that you will end up with taking your own life like Hitler, hanging from a rope like Hussein, or die in a prison cell like Milošević. Is that what you really want out of life? I thought not...

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Ménage à trois

  1. Since I have referred to Time Magazine's "Man of the Year" before in Ménage à trois, I figured I can do it again. I'm doing it this time in honor of Rudolph Giuliani, former mayor of New York City. The one time Republican Presidential candidate is a strapping 65 today. If you don't remember, Time named him it's "Man of the Year" in 2001 after his city dealt with the most tragic event any United States city has had to deal with. This of course being the September 11, 2001 attacks on the World Trade Center in New York. I don't feel it is necessary to go into details of a history lesson. Everyone should remember what happened. Anyway, happy birthday Rudy, hope you have many more.
  2. And speaking of someone who would have received the honor several times had Time published it's magazine in the 1700's, George Washington deserves a nod on today's date. On May 28, 1754, a 22 year old Lieutenant Colonel from Virginia (clearly I'm referencing Washington) defeated a French and Indian scouting party. This marked the first battle of the 7-Years War (or French and Indian War, and Britain and France did not actually declare war for another 2 years) that would essentially be the first World War, as it was a global conflict between two countries and their colonies. It also marked the first notch in the belt for the future American Commander in Chief. It was a decisive victory in which Washington only lost one man, while they killed 10 and took 21 prisoner.
  3. In Las Vegas, the first casino received it's license for gambling in 1931. This casino was the Pair-o-Dice Club. Today there are around 1700 licensed gambling location in the city of Las Vegas. That's a lot of locations to play blackjack. I think I've played in like 20 of them. That's a long way to go...

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Strip Club Etiquette

You always hear about certain do's and don'ts when you are in a strip club. Proper etiquette is important, and there are many rules that you should know. There are also many secrets that you can know to improve your overall experience at the gentleman's club, and my goal is to help you achieve full awesomeness when you make a venture into your local titty bar. That is essentially what this blog is about. So make use of this information from an all-star (who will at times go through slumps) of the strip club scene.

Etiquette and Secrets
  1. Never wear jeans to a strip club. Wearing jeans to a strip club is essentially throwing away all the money you just spent on dances. If you wear a nice pair of slacks, or suit pants, then not only will you feel a better sensation on your penis during the grind of a lapdance, but the dancer will appreciate your thoughtfulness in wearing something comfortable that she can enjoy as well.
  2. Always lie about what you do. Strippers lie to make money. So you should lie just so they think you are awesome.
  3. Be kind to the cocktail waitresses. What you don't know is that they are the most important people in the club. I recommend telling them rules you may have in regards to strippers ordering drinks on your tab. I make sure they know that every drink I buy is going to be well liquor even if the dancer orders a Grey Goose and Red Bull or a Crown and Coke. I have yet to have a dancer notice the difference.
  4. Never tip more than you want to, and never overpay for a lap dance. This generally happens when you feel bad for a girl. (See rule 2)
  5. There is sex in the champagne room. If Chris Rock can't get laid in the champagne room, then that's his problem. It does happen and it's always awesome. (See rule 9)
  6. Only tip the bathroom attendant one time, unless you use his other services. I feel a dollar each night covers him handing me a paper towel each time I wash my hands after peeing.
  7. Have fake business cards always available, but make sure they match the lies that you feed. You don't want to be a movie producer with a business card that says you are VP of Sales for Dell.
  8. If you have a dancer that has never seen you before, always tell her it's your first time there. You will be able to get away with a lot more than you might not normally get away with.
  9. Negotiate prices up front. Don't pay more than you should have to, and don't get the dancer's hope up that you will. This goes in VIP as well. I always pay just $20 a dance no matter where in the club I'm sitting. If the girl is not going play that game, fuck her, another dancer sure will. In other words 5 dances in VIP is $100 and 5 dances in regular seating is $100. The additional tip the dancers get comes in the what they drink on that $250 bottle of Moet (usually found for about $35) you purchased to get into VIP.
  10. Follow a dancer's rules. If she says your fingers can't travel south of the equator, just stay with your hands on the boobs. If she says you can't play with her boobs, get a dance from someone else (unless she is saying that because Vice is clearly in the club that night).
  11. Tip the door girl. They appreciate it, and this will sometimes get you in for free on occasion.
  12. Chivalry will pay off in a strip club. Just because these girls take their clothes off for money does not mean they don't deserve to be treated right. But you also can't forget that no matter what you think, she is hustling you.
  13. Always make sure you carry a condom. (See rule 5)
  14. Don't ever go to a strip club with a girlfriend or wife. Only bad things come of this. My recommendation is to just be single.
  15. Be awesome in all situations.
I hope these rules and secrets help you out the next time you have an exotic dancer sitting on your lap. There is always plenty of fun to be had, just make sure you are doing it right. These experiences should always be awesome, and if you have any specific questions, as always feel free to ask.

Friday, May 22, 2009

True Love?

Personally, true love probably won't be in the cards for me for a while, at least till I'm 30 (well maybe), though, so I'm going to have to settle for a different kind of love, I call this: stripper love.

Any guy who has never been to a strip club will think this is stupid, and every girl will think it's stupid regardless. All I have to say to those people is this: You don't know what you're talking about, but T-Pain does (you should read through all the lyrics, the remix versions in particular). Stripper love is very real. It is so real, that I have succumbed to it on several occasions.

I have fallen in love with strippers and I'm not ashamed of it. You have to understand, the world doesn't operate the same way inside a strip club as it does in the real world. You are talking to beautiful women who are paid (very, very well) to make you think they are interested in you. Imagine any girl who has ever flirted with you so you would buy her a drink. You can laugh about how ridiculous it is when you're sitting around getting ready to go out, but once you get there and you've got a professional gaming you up, all bets are off. It's like the major leagues, and your local dive bar is just the semi-professional independent leagues.

It starts off innocently enough. You're not naive enough to actually think you're going to get some action at the strip club (well, maybe). You're not looking to fall in love. You just want to go get drunk and see a plethora of boobage, real and fake alike. You watch the girls dance, and maybe one of them stands out for some reason. Maybe she's not even the hottest one there (and taking a B-Class stripper usually means she "works" a little harder for that Andrew Jackson in your wallet), but she tickles your fancy. She can tell immediately, of course, because she is a pro. You're a seal and she's a shark that smells blood. That's how it starts.

You fend off the other girls that want you to buy dances from them. Some of them are nasty, others are cute and fun to flirt with… but you're distracted. You stall for time until your girl makes her rounds. You sit in there with you $9 beer and hope that she will come up to you and want to dance for you. You may even consider going to the atm really quick (despite the $10 fees) just in case she comes over. And then...

"What's your name?" she asks when she finally approaches you. She totally wants you.

She thinks you have a sexy name and she also apparently thinks that she should sit on your lap. Okay, I know it sounds dumb, but seriously dude, this girl is into you. She may even tell you how hot you are compared to your friend, who normal girls would consider to be more attractive, but the shark smelled the blood. I mean, it is so convincing when she says it, she is topless and sitting on your lap. She just doesn't say that to everybody.

Even so, you've got to play it cool because you know her game is tight. She's not some drunken party girl. A party girl wouldn't even bother to learn your name or what you do, but the stripper did take that time. If she isn't into you, then you think no one will ever be.

You have already become naive enough to think you might actually get some action at a strip club and you're not even finished with your second beer. When she starts dancing again she's only dancing for you. Also she's dancing a little bit for that fat guy at the other end of the bar and kind of for your friend sitting next to you, but you know it's mostly for you. She blushes when she catches eyes with you. After her dance she comes straight back to your lap; you're so in. Next thing you know, you've bought her three drinks and you're halfway through $100 worth of lapdances.

You talk for several hours, have more drinks and you buy a few more dances. Your tab runs around $500 more than you planned on spending. You ask for her number. You don't get her number, but she tells you to come back and see her again, but that's basically the same thing. You'll wonder for a good two days afterwards whether there was a real connection (in my case there always is). After that, your dopamine levels return to normal and reality sets in: what the hell were you thinking?

There you have it, you were hit by stripper love. It has been the downfall of several million bank accounts over the years. It has brought down empires, and given birth to babies. It starts and ends famine, and maybe be the sole origin of herpes. When you look back on it, you may regret not having the money, but you will always remember the first time you fell in love...with a stripper.

In the words of the immortal Paul Wall from T-Pain's Remix "I'm in Luv wit a Stripper":

"It was love at first sight when I seen that ass skain'
And bout fifty dollars later it was love in our makin'
Ya simply won my heart when I saw the way ya work that pole
And when you bent over ya had my wallet in a choke hold
I saw you in your birthday suit and baby it was fate
When you give me a lap dance its like we gone on a date
But I feel like ya cheatin on me when I see ya dancin' with other guys
I'm runnin' low on ones, I can't lie I'm in love baby"

It's got all the elements of a real romance: nudity, regret, and a hefty price tag. See, who needs a girlfriend? Strippers are way more awesome. Since awesome is the game I run, I like to run game on strippers. What can I say, I'm in love with a stripper.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Ménage à trois

  1. On this day in 1901, the first speed limit in history was passed. Connecticut became the first state to enact a speeding-driver law. The State General Assembly passed a bill submitted by Representative Robert Woodruff that stipulated the speed of all motor vehicles should not exceed 12mph on country highways and eight mph within city limits.
  2. Mr. T turns 57 today. Notorious B.I.G. would have been 37.
  3. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so the called themselves Motorola.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Captain Awesome's Guide to Gambling: Three Card Poker

One of the newer table games in a casino, three card poker is becoming quite popular. Also in this category is the Texas Holdem table game, that is unrelated to the poker game No Limit and Limit Texas Holdem.

In the Texas holdem table games you are trying to create a poker hand that beats the dealer's hand. There are community cards, and you have the initial bet which works like a preflop bet. You then put a bet out there if you wish to see the the turn based on what hand you've made on the flop, and then you again bet it on the turn. After the river comes out, all players who hold a better hand than the dealer win each of their bets. You can still win your initial bet if you don't bet after the flop or the turn. This is actually a pretty good game, and you don't have to worry about the play of other people at the table. Everyone is just hoping that you beat the dealer. There are also several side bets and payouts in regards to the starting cards you can get, such as getting suited queens to start. I recommend this game to people new to the casino life, it's fun exciting, and for the most part a good opportunity to win or at least break even. Enjoy.

Now in regards to the main game this post is about, is three card poker. A very popular game that has huge payout potential even if you aren't playing the highest stakes. This game is not only extremely easy to learn and play, but it is also a lot of fun.

here are three betting circles in front of each seat. The top betting circle is labeled Pair Plus where the player puts a wager on the pair plus game. Beneath that are two circles labeled Ante and Play for the base game. The game starts with the player making a wager in the Pair Plus and or Ante circle equal to the table minimum.

After all the players have made their bets the dealer will give each player a three card hand that is dealt by the Shuffle Master machine. Play begins with the first player to the dealer’s left and continues clockwise around the table.

If a player has made a bet on the Ante they must make their decision to fold or play after looking at their hand. If the player folds he forfeits their Ante wager. If the players want to continue they must make an additional bet in the Play circle equal to their Ante bet.

After all the players have made their decisions, the dealer will turn over his three card hand. The dealer needs to “qualify” with a hand of Queen or higher for play to continue. If the dealer’s hand does not contain a Queen or higher all players still active in the hand will be paid even money for their Ante wager and their bet on the Play will be returned to them.

If the dealer’s hand does qualify then their hand is compared to the player’s hand. If your hand beats the dealers hand you will be paid even money for your Ante and Play bets. If the dealer’s hand beats your hand you lose both bets. In the rare event of a tie then the player wins the hand.

Because you are only dealt three cards the hand ranking are a little different than with traditional five card hands. This is because of the mathematical probabilities of making certain hands. The hands are ranked for the highest to the lowest as follows:

Straight Flush. Three cards of the same suit in sequence. Example 6-7-8 of spades.
Three of a Kind. Three cards of equal rank.
Straight. Three cards in sequence of mixed suits.
Flush. Three cards of the same suit.
Pair. Two cards of equal rank.
High Card. The highest card in your hand.

There is a bonus payout on the Ante bet for certain hands and the bonus does not require an additional wager. If you have a straight, three-of-a-kind or straight flush, you will be paid a bonus whether you beat the dealer or not. The bonus payout is paid based on the pay table posted at the table. The payout schedule for the Ante Bonus varies from casino to casino but not by much. For a straight flush you will be paid 5 to 1 or 4 to 1. For three of a kind you will be paid 4 to 1 or 3 to 1. For a straight you receive 1 to 1 for your Ante bet.

The pay out structure for the Ante Bonus affects the overall house edge on the Ante/Play portion of the game. A payout of 5 -4 -1 has a house edge of about 3.4 percent. While the payout of 4 - 3- 1 has a house edge of 6.8 percent.

The Pair Plus wager is based only on whether your three card hand has a Pair or higher. It doesn’t matter if the dealer qualifies or even beats you if you have a bet on the Ante Game. If your hand has a pair or better you win. If it does not have at least a pair you will lose. On average you will be dealt a pair or better about 25 percent of the time.

The Pair Plus wager is paid based on the pay table established by the casino where you are playing. Some of the common pay tables along with their house edge are listed below.

Common Pay Structures
Hand Type A B C D
Straight Flush 40-1 40-1 40-1 40-1
3 of –a kind 30-1 25-1 30-1 30-1
Straight 6-1 6-1 5-1 6-1
Flush 4-1 4-1 4-1 3-1
Pair 1-1 1-1 1-1 1-1
House Edge 2.32 3.49 5.90 7.28

I hope this helps. This is another very good game to play if you don't have a huge bankroll and are looking for big payout opportunity. I enjoy three card poker whenever it can be found. My personal strategy is to bet all three spots without looking at my cards. It works at times and doesn't at others. Enjoy, and remember to tip your dealers, cocktails, and stripper (after you win big).

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Ménage à trois

  1. On this day in 1944, one of the most brilliant men alive, was born. This man is responsible for hours upon hours of countless enjoyment in my life. His name is George Lucas. If you don't know who he is, then I suggest you check out Star Wars or even Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. Both of these movies started franchises that have spawned several other movies, video games, toys and TV series. His special effects company also helped create Terminator 2: Judgement Day and Jurassic Park. The mind and brilliance of this one man essentially gave me my childhood. So I say we celebrate his 65th birthday in style. He is one of the Princes of Awesome, and has a really sweet beard...
  2. On May 14, 1948, in Tel Aviv, Jewish Agency Chairman David Ben-Gurion proclaims the State of Israel, establishing the first Jewish state in 2,000 years. In an afternoon ceremony at the Tel Aviv Art Museum, Ben-Gurion pronounced the words "We hereby proclaim the establishment of the Jewish state in Palestine, to be called Israel," prompting applause and tears from the crowd gathered at the museum. Ben-Gurion became Israel's first premier. Within hours after the British withdrawal, Israel would be under attack by Arab forces.
  3. Before Prohibition, Schlitz Brewery owned more property in Chicago than anyone else, except the Catholic Church.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Captain Awesome's Guide to Gambling: Sports Betting

Betting on sports, quite frankly, is one of the only reasons that sports survive over the years. Sure games can be exciting to watch if you are a fan of the team. Sometimes home town pride makes certain games watchable. But for several people (myself included) there are some sports and/or teams that are not enjoyable in any way at all to watch, unless I've got something riding on it (and I usually do).

If the Dallas Cowboys aren't in the Super Bowl, why do I watch it? Well it ain't for the game, that's for damn sure. It might be because I've got $50 bucks that the coin flip is going to land heads (I lost, pictured with Tom Brady). I might have $200 that Devin Hester is going to return a kick for a touchdown in the Super Bowl (I won). I might have had $100 on the fact that Ryan Zimmerman would extend his hit streak to 30 games last night (I won). Did I care about watching the Washington Nationals play the San Fransisco Giants? You can bet that I didn't, and you'd win. I have even made several wagers on the game of Cricket. I do it with no idea of what I am doing, but I definetely get into the game when I've got some cash riding on if the Mumbai Indians and put up 120 points with 17.3 overs remaining against the Chennai Super Kings (both teams play in the Indian Premier League).

Well, I think you get the picture I have painted. Gambling on sports make it fun. There are some things and terms; however that you should know about when making wagers on any game.

You should know about "Odds" and how they work. It will have an affect on the payout of your winnings. You will see odds in three different ways, the three ways to look at odds are by decimal , fractional, and moneyline. European format (decimal odds) are favoured in continental Europe, Canada, and Australia. They are the ratio of the full payout to the stake, in a decimal format. Decimal odds of 2.00 are an even bet. UK format (fractional odds) are favoured by British bookmakers. They are the ratio of the amount won to the stake. Fractional odds of 1/1 are an even bet. Moneyline odds are favoured in the United States. They are the amount won on a 100 stake when positive and the stake needed to win 100 when negative. Moneyline odds of 100 are an even bet.

Decimal Fractional Moneyline
1.50 1/2 -200
2.00 1/1 +100
2.50 3/2 +150
3.00 2/1 +200

Conversion Formulas

Decimal -> Fractional = x-1 , then convert to fraction
Decimal -> Moneyline = 100*(x-1) if x>=2; -100/(x-1) if x<2
Fractional -> Decimal = divide fraction, then x+1
Fractional -> Moneyline = divide fraction, then 100*x if x>=1; -100/x if x<1
Moneyline -> Decimal = (x/100)+1 if x>0; (-100/x)+1 if x<0
Moneyline -> Fractional = x/100, then convert to fraction if x>0; -100/x, then convert to fraction if x<0

Using these odds, you will have several different options of bets to make on your sport or game of choice. These are:
  1. Proposition bets. These are wagers made on a very specific outcome of a match. Like betting on Devin Hester to return a kick for a TD in the Super Bowl.
  2. Parlays. A parlay involves multiple bets (usually up to 12) and rewards successful bettors with a large payout. For example, a bettor could include four different wagers in a four-team parlay, whereby he is wagering that all four bets will win. If any of the four bets fails to cover, the bettor loses the parlay, but if all four bets win, the bettor receives a substantially higher payout (usually 10-1 in the case of a four-teamer) than if he made the four wagers separately.
  3. Teasers. A teaser allows the bettor to combine his bets on two or more different games. The bettor can adjust the point spreads for the two games, but realizes a lower return on the bets in the event of a win.
  4. Run line, puck line or goal line bets. These are wagers offered as alternatives to straight-up/moneyline prices in baseball, hockey or soccer, respectively. These bets feature a fixed point spread that offers a higher payout for the favorite and a lower one for the underdog.
  5. Future wagers. While all sports wagers are by definition on future events, bets listed as "futures" generally have a long-term horizon measured in weeks or months. Like when I picked the Steelers to win the Super Bowl XL at 12-1 several years ago against the Seahawks (pictured).
There are several different places and people in which you can make your bets. You can make them with a local bookmaker (though this is illegal). You can make them in a casino sports book. You can make these wagers online at several different sites. You can also make gentlemanly wagers among friends. The odds for each game are generally generated in Vegas after "experts" make their picks. Most online betting sites and bookies follow the standard lines that are produced out of Las Vegas casinos. Sometimes though (and be weary of this), they can make their own odds based on how other people are betting with them, or how they expect the game to go. If you aren't near a casino, the safest way to make these bets is online. Betting with illegitimate bookmakers can have different consequences (besides losing money you probably don't have) than you would in a casino.

Also, if you play in the NCAA or are a professional athlete in a sport, don't be stupid and bet in a public forum on the sport in which you play, and never meet a bookie. That will cost you more than you will ever know. See Pete Rose as your prime example.

Well I hope this little bit of information was helpful. If you ever need advice on different bets, then you are more than welcome to ask me or email me. My email is on my profile page. You can also just try and beat me in bets for free by playing ESPN's Streak for the Cash. You can join my group, Awesome World. Anyway, keep up the awesomeness and make some money while you're at it.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The Secret to Soul Mates.

Good day readers. How are things in Awesome World? I can only assume that they are awesome.

Well today, I plan on getting deep with my blog. So deep it may hurt you. I sat down with a cigar and a scotch and just went all deep on your asses. I am going to broach a subject that I believe no other blog in the history of the world has ever touched on. I am going to talk about love. I am going to tell you how and why it happens, and what it is that makes you feel you have found a soul mate. All of my theories have been factually backed up through test data and are proven time and time again. I hope that everyone here will learn a lot and you gain a true understanding on what it is to find a "soul mate."

Love is defined in many ways, and can be seen in several different forms and fashion. I love my mom, I love scotch, I love to have my penis touched by members of the opposite gender. This is not to say that I am in love with any of the previously mentioned items (well, maybe). You see many people believe they fall in love with someone that they have a lot in common with and have shared certain "experiences" with them. This is rarely the case, as can be seen with the high rate of divorce.

I have a theory on the soul (if it exists) and how it speaks to other people. You see, to find a soul mate, you have to find a connection with somebody. This can be done in several different ways, but there are two ways that are extremely popular. The first is probably the most common way for two people to discover if they are soul mates, this being the open mouthed kiss with tongue. You see the tongue is a portal for the soul, so when two tongue's touch, it gives a soul to soul experience for the two people involved. This is helpful because it allows the soul to choose on it's own rather than relying on the indecisive human vessel it currently resides in. You must be careful though, sometimes only one of the souls feels good about the other soul, therefore not making you soul mates, but sometimes that person and their soul might be a little crazy...

The second way to discover a soul mate is by way of a second less intimate portal. This being the penis and vagina. Unprotected sexual intercourse is a pure way for souls to speak to each other. This of course has many faults. You see, because gay guys had sex with monkey's somewhere in Africa, we now have AIDS, and we also have Herpes because some guy had a three way with a woman and the Devil (my guess it was Adam and Eve). There are also people who are retarded and refuse to use their ability to pull out, therefore they reproduce and we continue to have retarded babies. So condoms have limited people in their quest to find true soul mates. It is only after they get married and have that unprotected penis to vagina contact that they learn they aren't soul mates, which in turn leads to kids and divorce.

Now you may ask, isn't it possible to find your soul mate without allowing the souls to mingle via tongue portals or penis to vagina contact? Well yes it is, but it is not easy. You see, sometimes there are people who are soul mates because reasons just make so much sense that their soul can have no argument. Usually this is related to common goals that bring a relation to the soul that makes sense. Two athletes can come (and yes I considered using "cum" but I want this to be a respected blog) together to create a super athlete spawn that will one day win Olympic Gold or sign a 10 year, $100 million contract to play baseball. There are young, sexy ladies whose goal it is to marry a rich, successful older man, and likewise there are rich, successful older men whose goal it is to marry arm candy in the form of young and sexy ladies, giving you another scenario where they are clearly soul mates.

People can also find their soul mates, simply by getting lucky. It's like when you are at the blackjack table and hit three blackjacks in a row, or your 50-1 horse comes in first, or you take a random shot in the dark in Final Jeopardy after wagering everything you had and guess right to become a 5-Day Champion. Those are all instances where luck is clearly on your side, and sometimes your soul has that same luck.

The soul, in very rare instances can be wrong, sometimes it caves into your belief that someone is the one, this case is mostly seen in men, but it can venture out in certain women. It's when your brain and penis tell your soul that a girl is the one because maybe she has rocking tits, or keeps her bush trimmed just how you like it, or she has skills in bed that make you feel like you should pay her. That's when the rest of your body may fight your soul in making a correct assumption of who your soul mate is. Always be on guard for this, this can be a very touch issue to get around. If you can control this, then you are quite on your way to finding your soul mate.

I hope this information proves useful to you in the search of soul mates and true love. And remember, don't get married till you are on your way out of your 20's and moving into your 30's. There is no reason to throw away the best party years of your life to get married when you aren't ready, even if you have already found your soul mate (which I doubt since you are too young to have had an opportunity to allow your soul many different portals to try...).

Anyway, until next time, keep on keeping awesomeness alive.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Ménage à trois

  1. On the afternoon of May 7, 1915, the British ocean liner Lusitania is torpedoed without warning by a German submarine off the south coast of Ireland. Within 20 minutes, the vessel sank into the Celtic Sea. Of 1,959 passengers and crew, 1,198 people were drowned, including 128 Americans. The attack aroused considerable indignation in the United States, but Germany defended the action, noting that it had issued warnings of its intent to attack all ships, neutral or otherwise, that entered the war zone around Britain. This would become a major factor of the United States entering the war.
  2. On this day in 1945, the German High Command, in the person of General Alfred Jodl, signs the unconditional surrender of all German forces, East and West, at Reims, in northwestern France. This comes a week after the suicide of Adolf Hitler. This was an important day on the European front, but the United States would continue the war with Japan.
  3. Zero was invented in India by Indian mathematicians dating as early as 5th century. They widely used it in calculations, astronomy and astrology. Zero was spread by Arabians to the Europe and there on it was spread all over. Before this, all Europeans used roman numerical which were difficult to calculate on as they were in the form of Symbols, lengthy and had limits.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Captain Awesome's Guide to Gambling: Horse Racing

So, my original intention was to post this Saturday morning before the Kentucky Derby, by far one of the more popular events in Off Track Betting (OTB) and for anyone who bets on the four legged while at the track. Unfortunately for you readers, I had a 12 hour binge at 3 different strip clubs, and at 7:30am had to drive an hour (while still drunk) to play some softball (while still drunk, and then while hungover a little) for a team that needed my help. Needless to say, I did not play well and I did not get this blog posted at a convenient time in regards to the big race and if you bet sports, in time for the big fight (Hatton v. Pacquiao) that happened later that night. I will have sports betting up as the next Guide.

Betting the ponies is something that I have excelled over the past few years. I put in research the day before I go to the track when the races are printed. It is always good to be prepared. If you aren't prepared, then I guess you are just lucky. Here are some things to look for:
  1. Previous race times. Are the horse and jockey consistent?
  2. How they've finished. If they finish 1st once, but 7th three different times, it may not be a good bet. Look for horses consistently in the top 3.
  3. Pedigree can also be a good factor.
  4. Is the jockey a winner? Jockey records are good indications on ability to ride, which correlates in how the horse will run.
  5. How does the horse run on dirt or turf historically? Have they run on dirt before? Do they train on turf?
  6. Does the horse have a cool name? You can't tell me that names like Man o' War (pictured above), Seattle Slew, and War Admiral would have won if they had names like Buttercup, Pretty Eyes, or Candi Belles. That would be like saying John Wayne would have still been famous had he been known as Marion Morrison. A name is your persona and builds your attitude.
Using these facts as a basis for your research, you then have to make the bet. You can do this several way. Most popular is OTB. Off Track Betting can be done in casinos, with friends, and from you local neighborhood bookie. You can also bet on any race at any track. So you can bet on the Preakness Stakes from Lone Star Park in Grand Prairie, Texas.

In terms of what and how to bet, I will give you examples in what are easy solid bets with low payouts as well as good money bets. These are my preferred types of bets, and is limited to just what I like to bet.

One good way to bet on 1 horse, is across the board. Which means if your horse wins (1st) it pays three ways, if it places (2nd) it pays 2 ways, and if it shows (3rd) it pays 1 way. I like this bet, it allows you to focus on just one horse.

Exacta, Trifecta, and Superfecta are real favorites of mine. These are very hard bets to win, but the payout is worth it. An exacta is picking the first 2 horses. You are picking the 1st and 2nd place finishers in the exact order. A trifecta is picking the top 3 horses in order and the superfecta is picking the top 4. Like I said it must be exact, but the pay is almost always worthwhile if you can hit this. You can also ask about the boxed bet with whoever you are betting with.

Straight bets are just picking the horse to win, so you just pick your horse and hope they win. It is always good to make this bet as a backup to a big trifecta bet to help cover your bets. This is usually good if you know of a "lock" to win. Make sure you have a good source when betting a "lock." Sure things don't come around just out of nowhere...

While these tips are just what I go on, you may feel more or less confident when betting the four legged. I win because I read, it's as simple as that. If anyone has any question, feel free to email me. I will offer you picks for any major races, or for the local if you are in the Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex and want to bet on the races at Lone Star Park. So until next time, happy betting and have an awesome time at the race track.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Trouble being Awesome in a Recession?

Good day to you from Captain Awesome. Are you feeling awesome yet?

I want to wish everyone a good day on this beautiful Friday in what is now May of 2009. Is everyone prepared to be awesome this weekend? I know I sure am. Of course I haven't decided where my impulses will take me. Maybe I'll take my free rooms and head down to Shreveport for the night, spend a few hours at the blackjack table drinking scotch and smoking a cigar. Maybe I'll just go to the strip club. Maybe I'll suit up and hit up a cougar bar. Tonight, anything could fly. But this is besides the point of the blog today. We all know that I will go out and be awesome, it's just what I do.

Today I want to talk to you about being awesome in hard economic times (yes, I am completely ignoring this stupid Swine Flu craze that the world is on and needs to kick). Here is the deal, I am awesome on a very frequent basis, as it is my job and calling. Doing this has generally put me in some forms of credit card debt over the years, but since I always make payments, the card companies have no problem to continue to extend to me more credit. God I love this country.

For you normal folk out there, building up mass amounts of debt may not be something you are comfortable with, so I am going to give a little guide to being awesome on a budget.

At the Strip Club:
Generally, being awesome at a strip is going usually going to carry a hefty price tag. You go in, find a gorgeous girl with daddy issues. You get a dance from her, you negotiate a blow job if you go into VIP, etc. Well to do that, you are going to be shelling out $300 for that bottle of Grey Goose, and anywhere from $400-$1500 for the hummer and dances (depending on which establishment you are in certain cities). So for a good time and awesome time, we'll just ballpark it and say, it's gonna cost you a $1000. That is generally a lot to spend in one night. So here is a simple suggestion. Just purchase a bottle at a liquor store, so sticking with Grey Goose, you'll throw down $37 (750ml). Then instead of a fancy gentleman's club, head down to the full nude place that happens to be BYOB. Slap $50 dollars down at the door (for VIP, only $20 for regular) and then you have essentially achieved the same VIP ability for a mere $87 dollars. It has also been my experience that when a girl is already completely nude and dancing for you in VIP, well liberties that would be costly at a topless club, are generally allowed. This will most of the time make it cheaper to negotiate a more "pleasurable" time. You'll look to spend anywhere from $100-$1000. So we can ballpark you VIP experience at around $300 without any fuss. That's an average savings of $700 for a night out with the fake breasted women who make life grand.

At the Casino:
This is generally the easiest way to cut back on your spending. The obvious here is that a lot of places offer you free rooms all the time. You just have to sign up for their free members card. If you live in reasonable driving distance from places like Thackerville, OK (Winstar), Shreveport/Bossier City, LA, Tunica, MS, or Atlantic City, NJ, then a room is not even a problem (unless your goal is to get shit bombed on the casino's dime). The gambling aspect is even easier (especially if you've been following Captain Awesome's Guide to Gambling. There are certain games (see the Guide) that are very inexpensive to play. So all you have to do if you aren't interested in going big money at the Blackjack table with me, is play one of those games, and get drunk on the casino dime (Let it Ride can be the game of choice in this matter). So let's say you spent 6 hours playing Let it Ride, all the while averaging 3 fingers of Chivas Regal every 20 minutes, well that's 18 glasses of scotch that you've had over a 6 hour binge. You could very well be up money, but could have minimized losses at $75-100 dollars (if on a $5 minimum table). You didn't pay for any of that scotch, and you have a free room. So my advice is take your self over to a table with a couple of ladies, show them how witty you are and take one of them upstairs to your room. Sounds like a cheap night out at the bars right? Even cheaper probably considering what you had to drink. So how does a night in Shreveport sound now?

At the Race Track:
This is the easiest one. Sneak a flask in, drink your own drinks, and minimize your bets to a dollar trifecta bet. This is a three dollar bet that can pay off very well if it hits. They also usually have free concerts on Fridays and Saturdays. So you can get drunk, gamble a little, enjoy the races, and see a free concert, and there is still potential for some random ass. And what is the entry to this heaven on earth? A lot of places if you get there early enough could cost as little as $3 to get in. Enjoy.

Smoking Cigars:
Don't overpay for a brand name cigar. Most smoke shops carry a trademark brand for their shop that they sell for as little as a $1. These cigars aren't even that bad. Up in Smoke carries their line for $2.50 and for a nice light cigar, these can actually be pretty good. And if you are a member of the smoke club, you can save an additional 10%. This makes for a cheap smoke, that has plus value.

General Drinking, Partying, and other Shenanigans:
Here is the key. Bars can get expensive, and picking up some random can become more work. So I'm going to through a bit of a cliché out there and suggest something that I have tried, and thoroughly enjoyed. Go crash a wedding. I drank for free all night, probably went through two bottles of Champagne myself alone, and had several Screwdrivers as well. I got pictures with the bride (pictured above, me and Grandpa Shea and a bride whose name we still don't know) and groom, danced with sorority sisters, and had a great old fashioned suited up wedding reception time. It would have lasted longer, but I crashed with Shea and that fucktard brought a girl (fucking ridiculous right?) and they got busted. So I had to leave early since they were my ride. So make sure you make a good choice in who you crash with. Never crash alone. You can also take full liberty of a bar's happy hour to get good drinks in. Embassy Suites gives out free drinks from 5-7pm and they usually aren't checking to see if you are even a guest, so enjoy that insider tip!

Well I hope you have enjoyed this helpful advice on how to be awesome on a budget. Also remember, with the new smoking ban in Dallas, dry cleaning for a suit is less needed as you will no longer smell of cigarette smoke. Any vomit smell is of course your own fault. Take full advantage of this advice, and remember until next time. Stay awesome my friends.