Thursday, April 30, 2009

Ménage à trois

  1. Time Magazine's "Man of the Year" for 1938, Adolf Hitler, on April 30, 1945 committed suicide with his newlywed wife Eva Braun (whom he had dated during the war). They both swallowed cyanide pills and Hitler would eventually shoot himself in the head. In January 1945, facing a siege of Berlin by the Soviets, Hitler withdrew to his bunker to live out his final days. Located 55 feet under the chancellery, the shelter contained 18 rooms and was fully self-sufficient, with its own water and electrical supply. Though he was growing increasingly mad, Hitler continued to give orders and meet with such close subordinates as Hermann Goering, Heinrich Himmler and Josef Goebbels. He also married his long-time mistress Eva Braun just two days before his suicide. Hitler and Braun's bodies were hastily cremated in the chancellery garden, as Soviet forces closed in on the building. When the Soviets reached the chancellery, they removed Hitler's ashes, continually changing their location so as to prevent Hitler devotees from creating a memorial at his final resting place. Only eight days later, on May 8, 1945, the German forces issued an unconditional surrender, leaving Germany to be carved up by the four Allied powers.
  2. On April 30, 1789, George Washington was inaugurated the first President of the United States. This came after he was unanimously chosen to become president by the presidential electors. As president, Washington sought to unite the nation and protect the interests of the new republic at home and abroad. Of his presidency, he said, "I walk on untrodden ground. There is scarcely any part of my conduct which may not hereafter be drawn in precedent." He successfully implemented executive authority, made good use of brilliant politicians such as Alexander Hamilton and Thomas Jefferson in his cabinet, and quieted fears of presidential tyranny.
  3. It's a myth that owls don't hunt in the daytime because they can't see in daylight. It's just that rats and mice, the main items on owl menus, are most active after dark.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Dear Penis

Hello my old friend. We have come a long way since we were formally introduced. We have been through a lot together. I am happy to have been a part of your life, as I am sure you feel the same about me, or so I hope.

I do have some things to ask of you though...

Over the years you have generally always gotten your way when it came to the indulgences of carnal pleasures and a life of degeneracy. Don't get me wrong, I love what you've done in that sphere of our life. Today however, we live in a different world. I think we need to slow it down some, and I think you need to allow the neural part of my life to help out on occasion in that department. Of course there are times, when both of you are in agreement, and we can keep those the same.

I also think you should grow. While I am happy that you are adequate and average among the great penii of the world, I feel we must go above and beyond the average. My request is that you grow to around the same size of my forearm. This request is two-fold. One, it will allow me to really succeed in the porn industry, we could be like some of the greats like Tommy Lee, Ron Jeremy, Peter North, John Holmes, and Dirk Diggler. The other reason is that if you were the same size as my forearm and some walked in on us in singular coitus, then we would just look like a dude with a long right arm that has Parkinson's Disease. So just grow another few inches in length and girth and we will be quite alright.

This request is another simple one, but more geared to our future. Please never let me down. We still have the sex drive of a 12 year old who just found a stash of nudie mags during a coming of age in a sexual revolution. I understand that we are almost 24, and we are living a very well fulfilled bachelor life. I want you to keep your pace well into my 50's. And even beyond that. While I don't have any qualms with Viagra, I do have a problem waiting an hour to get an erection. Your ability to be instantaneously prepared 24/7/365 is my favorite thing about you (and you even do it, when I hang out with your nemesis, Mr. Whiskey).

I feel we are doing a very good job in exploring different parts of our relationship. We, over the years have discovered that anal is only ok, and that the vagina is clearly our preference. We have discovered our love of wearing slacks and no under garments to the strip club, that we like reality porn, and something about doing things in public that really drive us to bad decisions. I hope we continue to explore each others thoughts, and show how much we love each other. I will continue to maintain promiscuous status as long as you keep us AIDS and Herpes free.

In conclusion old friend, I hope you find this letter fitting to each of our needs. I also hope that you find that my requests are reasonable and would be in benefit to each of us over the years. We just have to remember that we aren't from Rome, STD's are prevalent, and we aren't quite 18 anymore, so things like a Roman Orgy must be considered wisely and played safe.

I plan on taking you spelunking many more times. There are 1000's of Uterus Caves and Cervix Ravines you have yet to explore and discover. Since we are the adventurous type, my hope is that we can map out as many of them as we can.

Good day dear friend, I'll be looking after you tonight, so let's do each other proud and have a night of total bliss while penetrating a well groomed vaginal cavity. I love you.


J.J. "Captain Awesome" Lanzillo, IV

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Ménage à trois

  1. Today is widely considered William Shakespeare's birthday and death day. Kind of hard to believe that if Shakespeare had been a vampire, then he would be turning 445 today. It seems like only yesterday that we were wishing him a happy 367th birthday. Man they grow up fast I guess.
  2. The only nation whose name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanistan.
  3. Time magazine's "Man of the Year" for 1938 was Adolf Hitler. He was followed by Joseph Stalin, Winston Churchill, Franklin Roosevelt, and then Stalin was chosen again.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Captain Awesome's Guide to Gambling: Let it Ride

This game is easy money, and you aren't even betting against the house! You just take your cards, make your bets, and if you like your hand, you just Let it Ride...

To begin, you place three equal bets and are dealt three cards. If you like your cards, Let It Ride; if you don’t like them, take back your first bet. Then the dealer turns over one of two community cards. If you like your cards again, Let It Ride; if not, take back your second bet. Finally, the dealer turns over the second community card and pays all winners.

The House Edge for the basic game is approx. 3.5% when you play the correct strategy. You must know which hands you should take down and when to “Let It Ride”. Here is the proper strategy for this game.

Let Bet #1 Ride if you have:
A Winning Hand - Pair of Tens or Better
A Three Card Royal Flush
A Three Card Straight Flush

Let Bet #2 Ride if you have:
A Winning Hand - Pair of Tens or Better
A Four Card Royal or Straight Flush
A Four Card Flush
Four High Cards
A Four Card Open Ended Straight
A Four Card Open Ended Straight

The Side Bet
There is an extra side bet you can make for a dollar when playing Let It Ride. In 1995 Shuffle Master created a tournament. Every three to six month players that qualified by getting a Royal Flush when they made the side bet were invited to a million dollar tournament. The tournament has been discontinued but the side bet can still be made for a bonus payoff when certain hands are made. The pay table for the bonus varies from casino to casino. The House Edge ranges from 15 to 30 % on these bets. As with most side bets offered by the casino, these should be avoided.

Let It Ride can be a fun game for the recreational player. The game is slower than blackjack. You will be dealt about 40 hands per hour. Some casinos offer lower limit games. If you take the time to learn the simple strategy you can enjoy the excitement of this table game.

This is a good game for everyone who is considering playing blackjack or Texas Hold'em and you have no idea how to play either game. I hate people who don't know how to play blackjack sitting at my table, so you should just play Let it Ride. I guess that's it for this edition of Captain Awesome's Guide to Gambling. I hope this was informative for you, and as always remember to tip the dealers, cocktail watiress' and strippers! Until next time, stay awesome.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Ménage à trois

  1. Today is national High Five Day. You should do at least one high five today. It can be a normal high five, a phone five, a freeze frame five, or a jumping high five. All these forms are acceptable. Even an Eiffel Tower High Five is acceptable, I would even allow a fist bump, and you can even blow up that fist bump if you felt the need. The only rule is...NEVER EVER LOW FIVE someone on High Five Day. Got it?
  2. April 16, 1943: In Basel, Switzerland, Albert Hoffman, a Swiss chemist working at the Sandoz pharmaceutical research laboratory, accidentally consumes LSD-25, a synthetic drug he had created in 1938 as part of his research into the medicinal value of lysergic acid compounds. After taking the drug, formally known as lysergic acid diethylamide, Dr. Hoffman was disturbed by unusual sensations and hallucinations. He would later write: "Last Friday, April 16, 1943, I was forced to interrupt my work in the laboratory in the middle of the afternoon and proceed home, being affected by a remarkable restlessness, combined with a slight dizziness. At home I lay down and sank into a not unpleasant, intoxicated-like condition characterized by an extremely stimulated imagination. In a dreamlike state, with eyes closed (I found the daylight to be unpleasantly glaring), I perceived an uninterrupted stream of fantastic pictures, extraordinary shapes with intense, kaleidoscopic play of colors. After some two hours this condition faded away." In other words, LSD, or Acid, was discovered.
  3. Everyone knows that if you get bit by a vampire, they can turn you into a vampire, unless of course they drain you and decide to kill you. Did you also know that there is a legend that if someone steals your shadow (by measuring it on the wall and driving a nail into the head) you will become a vampire???

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Does anyone remember McCarthyism?

So, as I check my bank account today, I notice that the IRS has placed the direct deposit tax return into my account. This gets me to thinking about the events for the day, and what could possibly transpire.

For those of you who are unaware of what today is, well today is April 15, also known as tax day across the United States. This is actually the first year for me to get a tax return, as I have had to pay taxes every year until now (stupid stock market). Anyway, this tax day has a special meaning because, well people who make money are already upset about the outrageous tax hikes that are soon to occur because of the flamboyant spending of the current government.

It has become pretty clear that liberals have zero idea on how a working economy based on a capitalist market is supposed to work. Bailing out companies and industries that are run by fucktards, who are unable to compete with foreign competition due to their own inability to change based on the current market is not what a government is supposed to do with taxpayers money (i.e. Chrysler, etc.). Because of this insane spending of tax money on bailouts for fucktards and stimulus packages that clearly aren't going to work, people (known generally as the Right Wing) have devoted today as the Tax Tea Party day. If people remember their history the last time an oppressive government overtaxed it's people there was a Tea Party in Boston (pictured above, The Destruction of Tea at Boston Harbor by Nathaniel Currier).

While I don't expect to see radical right wingers dressed as Native Americans hurling tea that is overtaxed into the water as a sign of rebellion, I do think we will see a very large demonstration across the country, that could have dire consequences...

You see, under order of the current presidential administration, the Department of Homeland Security has issued today as a day of high terrorist threat. The problem is they aren't referring to terrorists in the 9/11 sense. They are referring to terrorists in the sense that England did during the 1770's...if you catch my drift. You see, police departments and other law enforcement agencies are being made aware of this threat from essentially Republicans who believe this government is abusing it's power to tax.

Apparently in the eyes of this "Change" in American government, right wing Republicans are put on the same level as Communists, Nazis, and Religious Radicals. I do not believe that these tea parties should be considered terrorist threats, I think they are no different than the Million Man March or even the entire Civil Rights Movement in general. I think that if the government is not careful in their response to this day of protests, then something serious could arise out of it. Americans are a passionate people that do not like have their rights and freedoms messed with. We have seen this happen several times in our history (i.e. American Revolution, Civil War, Civil Rights, etc.), and this is no different.

People feel their rights have been infringed upon and they are unhappy, and part of living in a free country is having the ability to express that without being considered a terrorist. It seems to be looking like being a right winger in this country will get you in trouble. Does anyone remember Joseph McCarthy and his anti-communism work in this country? There were secret meetings busted up, names on list, people arrested... Is this going to happen to a gun toting Republican in Texas who thinks liberals trying to ruin the economy are fucktards and the health care system is fine? I sure as fuck hope not, because that my friend would be me, and I have yet to really enjoy one of the nights I've spent in jail.

I'll bet this blog garners notice, and the FBI is reading this as I type it because I used the words, "terrorist" and "Republican" and "communism" all in the same document. A man was once quoted as saying, "The oppressed should rebel, and they will continue to rebel and raise disturbance until their civil rights are fully restored to them and all partial distinctions, exclusions and incapacitation's are removed." Sounds like something that is a very common belief in American society that has been used several times over the years. The man who said that was one Thomas Jefferson. I'm sure you thought it was another one of those famous "Civil Rights" radicals, like Dr. King, Malcolm X, Bob Marley, or Barack Obama...

Well, if something today happens, in which people are not allowed to show their disapproval of the current government spending during their tea party, then you can bet, a lot more Thomas Jefferson quotes may be popping up. In fact you may see a few from Patrick Henry, or Benjamin Franklin, or Martin Luther King, Jr. Americans have proven over time that they will not stand having their liberties taken away. They will die to defend those rights, and they will even willingly die to defend those freedoms of people all around the world as well.

My advice to the Obama Administration on this day, is be careful who you upset. Don't make any arrests, don't allow Acorn to go in and disturb these protests, just let all the crazy right wings whine and bitch in the streets about how you are a fucktard and you and your administration should have taken more economic classes in college. Either way, calling this a terrorist threat and treating it as so, will only give you just what you don't want. A real American cause to fight for.

I myself will not be participating. I may just be sitting on my balcony drinking scotch and smoking a cigar (because I can't really do that anywhere in Dallas anymore, not even in strip clubs!). But you can damn sure know, that if rebellion and revolution is in the air, I won't sit by idly. So I will leave you all with one last quote by the great orator Cicero, who also lived in a time of political unrest, and it's one to make you think, no matter how short it is:

"Freedom is a possession of inestimable value."

Monday, April 13, 2009

Captain Awesome's Guide to Gambling: Craps

The famous game of dice throwing known as craps, is one that many people do not, and probably will not ever know how to play correctly. Aren't you glad I'm writing this now?

For convenience sake, I will stay in casino craps only where you are betting against the house, as opposed to street craps where you are betting against other players in the game. The game itself is based on an old English game known as hazard, and it dates back as early as the time during the Crusades. And the game is also still popular among soldiers because of it's simplicity.

To begin, a player wishing to play as the shooter must bet at least the table minimum on either the "Pass" line or the "Don't Pass" line (pass and don’t pass are sometimes called “Win” or "Right" and “Don’t Win” or "Wrong" bets for the outcome of a shooter’s round). The right to roll the dice is rotated clockwise around the craps table. A player next in turn to become shooter may refuse the dice, but can continue to bet on the shooter's rolls; the dice then pass to the next player willing to become the shooter. The shooter is then presented with multiple dice (typically five) by the stickman, and must choose two to roll with. The remaining dice are returned to the stickman's bowl and are not used.

At this point, the shooter makes a "come-out roll" with the intention of establishing a point. If the shooter's come-out roll is a 2, 3 or 12, it is called "craps" (the shooter is said to "crap out") and the round ends with players losing their pass line bets (don't pass wins on 2 and 3, and pushes on 12). A come-out roll of 7 or 11 is called a "natural," resulting in a win for pass line bets (and a loss for don't pass bets). Either way, the come-out roll continues for the same shooter until a point is established. If the numbers 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, or 10 are rolled on the come-out, this number becomes the "point" and the come out roll is now over. The dealers will move an "On" button to the point number which identifies the point number to all players at the table. The shooter will now continue rolling until either the point is rolled or a seven. If the shooter is successful in rolling the point, the result is a win for the pass line (and a loss for the don't pass). If the shooter rolls a seven (called a "seven-out"), the pass line loses (and the don't pass wins). A seven-out ends the round with the dice being passed (clockwise) to the next player who wishes to become the new shooter.

A player wishing to play craps without being the shooter should approach the craps table and first check to see if the dealer's "On" button is on any of the point numbers. If the point number is "Off" then the table is in the come-out round. If the dealer's button is on, the table is in the point round where some casinos may allow a pass/don't pass bet to be placed, but the player should check with the dealer. All single or multi roll proposition bets may be placed in either of the two rounds. Between dice rolls by the shooter, there is a period for dealers to make pay outs and collect losing bets. When the dealers are finished, players are then allowed to place new bets. The stickman monitors the action at a table and decides when to give the shooter the dice, after which no more betting is allowed.

In a casino, players will make bets with chips on a specially made craps table with a table cloth made of felt that displays the various betting possibilities. In most casinos, craps table are double sided. The layouts on both sides of the table are identical, with the center bets in the middle. This allows for more players to participate. Players can make a large number of bets for each turn, round, or roll and should become familiar with the craps layout.

Essentially, the best strategy is to follow the older looking guy who looks like he has been playing the game for 50 years. The guy looks like a grizzled veteran who had spent to many years in the Nevada desert and in and out of casinos. This guy knows what he is doing. If he is making money at the table, my suggestion is to follow his bets. It's almost a never lose strategy at the craps table. Dice control if learned effectively can also be a good way to win in craps.

This game is fun when you are drunk, as there is always a lot of action and it is a very lively game. I recommend it while drinking mojitos. And as always don't forget to tip the employees who are helping you win money. Stay Awesome.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

The Twitter Craze

So I hopped on board the twitter craze. Check it out at Enjoy it and follow me I guess. I hope it is awesome.

Ménage à trois

  1. On April 9, 1865, General Robert E. Lee had taken the Appomattox campaign to the last thread. The Confederates had been forced to abandon Richmond, and had been blocked off from allies in North Carolina. Lee took his last 28,000 soldiers and surrendered them to General Ulysses S. Grant. Meeting in the McLean home in the afternoon General Lee officially surrendered the Army of Northern Virgina (pictured). It was a very honest and fair surrender (that Congress did not want to allow). All men and officers were to be pardoned on the promise never to raise arms against the United States again. Officers were allowed to keep their sidearms and all men were allowed to keep their private property, horses included so that when they returned home they could use their horses to catch the end of planting season. The Union also fed the surrendered Confederate soldiers. Resistance, albeit scattered across the country, would continue on for the next few months, but the day itself was marked with this quote as General Grant hushed his military band who had started a celebratory song, "The war is over. The Rebels are our countrymen again."
  2. One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the 1930's lobbied against hemp farmers -- they saw it as competition. It is not as chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.
  3. I want to wish a happy 83rd birthday to a man that I am a very big fan of. In fact this guy could be considered the original Captain Awesome. So happy birthday Hugh Hefner. May the Viagra flow freely today since you have a set of twins and an additional buxom beauty (pictured Karissa Shannon, Dasha Astafieva, Hef, and Kristina Shannon) to take care of you tonight. Hef, I strive to be like you.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Opening Day and Predictions

Ah yes, the day is upon us. When the new season of America's past time begins and all the hopes and dreams of owners, fans, coaches, and players are looking ahead to October with dreams of a World Series title coming to their hometown.

Every year, I'm in Arlington, TX with my hopes high that this is the year for the Texas Rangers. This year won't be different. But as you may remember, in a previous blog in which I made a very annoyed reference to my disdain of the current ownership, etc. that the Rangers are currently dealing with.

They must maintain my status as a Ranger fan by performing well. Otherwise I will become Randy Quaid's character "Johnny" in Major League 2, and like I said previously will even resort to purchasing and wearing NY Yankee apparel. Maybe the Rangers going back to red (kind of) will have an affect on their season, much more likely it will be Josh Hamilton (pictured) that decides the fate of the Rangers. I hope so.

Well like any other baseball fan, I have some predictions for the postseason, so on for those predictions (I'm going west to east because I'm sick of all the east coast bias):

AL West: Texas Rangers
AL Central: Detroit Tigers
AL East: Tampa Bay Rays
AL Wildcard: New York Yankees

NL West: Arizona Diamondbacks
NL Central: Chicago Cubs
NL East: Philadelphia Phillies
NL Wildcard: Los Angeles Dodgers

World Series: Detroit Tigers v Los Angeles Dodgers
Winner: Tigers in 6

I hope I'm wrong and the Rangers pull their head's out of their asses and stop doing the things that drive me crazy. The pitchers need to walk fewer batters, the hitters need to stop striking out looking, the owner needs to fire Ron Washington, and beer prices need to drop down under $5...

Anyway enjoy this day, watch as many games as possible and have a great and awesome opening day. I know I will....

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Ménage à trois

  1. Happy birthday to Sir Alec Guinness (pictured as Jedi Master Kenobi), who would be 95 today had he still been alive. A very celebrated British actor, Guinness would be always remembered here in the states for only 1 role. That role being of the great Obi-Wan Kenobi (known to Luke Skywalker as Old Ben Kenobi). He can also be seen in the original movie productions of Great Expectations, Oliver Twist, Last Holiday, and The Ladykillers; as well as important roles in The Bridge on the River Kwai and Lawrence of Arabia. Of course appearing in the the original Star Wars trilogy is by far the best work of his career. This fact can not be argued. So from Captain Awesome, happy birthday Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're our only hope.
  2. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
  3. On April 2, 1917, President Woodrow Wilson, under pressure, and through many non war conflicts with Germany, decided to end American neutrality in the Great War by declaring war on Germany. His declaration being, "The world must be made safe for democracy." The sinking of the Lusitania and the Zimmerman Telegram, along with unrestricted submarine warfare made the American stance on the war and neutrality change. The final straw was the torpedoing of the steamer Aztec on April 1. The House and Senate would overwhelmingly vote two days later to go to war. The United States was formally introduced to World War I.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The April Fool's Top 25 Pieces of Music All-Time

So as I promised I would do in my previous blog of "The Top 25 Pieces of Music All-Time" I am going to give you a new one. This one I have chosen to do on April Fool's Day for several reasons. None of which I really care to type out. Essentially, these are songs that people love, but might not admit to loving. These may be songs from bands that you laugh about. These could also be songs that were involved in some sort of fad. They could even be a piece of work from a band you may really like. Either way, all of these songs deserve some credit as being considered for the Top 25 Pieces of Music All-Time. Enjoy.

25. "I Touch Myself"- the Divinyls
24. "MMMBop"- Hanson
23. "Who Let the Dogs Out?"- Baha Men
22. "Turning Japanese"- The Vapors
21. "Pump up the Jam"- Technotronic
20. "Barbie Girl"- Aqua
19. "Here I Go Again"- Whitesnake
18. "Tubthumping"- Chumbawamba
17. "I'm Too Sexy"- Right Said Fred
16. "Safety Dance"- Men Without Hats
15. "Living on a Prayer"- Bon Jovi
14. "Electric Boogie"- Marcia Griffiths
13. "To Be With You"- Mr. Big
12. "Tainted Love"- Soft Cell
11. "Final Countdown"- Europe
10. "Kung Fu Fighting"- Carl Douglas
9. "Girl I'm Gonna Miss You"- Milli Vanilli (pictured above)
8. "Macarena"- Los Del Rio
7. "Mickey"- Toni Basil
6. "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"- Iron Butterfly
5. "Achy Breaky Heart"- Billy Ray Cyrus
4. "Cat Scratch Fever"- Ted Nugent
3. "Whip It"- Devo
2. "Ice, Ice Baby"- Vanilla Ice
1. "Rapper's Delight"- Sugar Hill Gang

Well there is the list. Speak quietly amongst yourselves. As in the previous list, it is not debatable. I am the final say of all songs on the list, if you have a better song, you may suggest it, and I may take it into consideration.

Here are a few songs I had to leave off the list, but they deserve an honorable mention:

"Come Sail Away"- Styx (Eric Cartman)
"In the Summertime"- Mungo Jerry
"Black Betty"- Ram Jam
"Rockstar"- Nickelback
"Blue (Da Be Dee)"- Eifel 65
"Earth Angel"- The Penguins
"Love Gun"- KISS
"Song 2"- Blur
"Nothing Compares 2U"- Sinead O'Connor
"Epic"- Faith No More
"Breakfast at Tiffany's"- Deep Blue Something
"Jump Around"- House of Pain
"Knockin' Boots"- Candyman
"Jessie's Girl"- Rick Springfield

Well I hope you download and love all the aforementioned songs. This I think is a great April Fool's Top 25 List with supplement. Well enjoy and stay awesome.