Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Captain Awesome's Guide to Gambling: Pai Gow Poker

Pai Gow Poker combines elements of the ancient Chinese game of Pai Gow and the American game of poker, and is played with a traditional deck of 52 playing cards plus one Joker. Pai Gow Poker is essentially playing two separate poker hands according to traditional poker rankings. The Joker is used only as an Ace or a wild card to complete a straight or a flush. The dealer starts the game by rolling three dice. The total of the dice determines which player receives the first set of cards. Each player receives seven cards and creates two hands simultaneously: a high hand and a second-high hand. Both hands must be higher than the bank hands to win.

Here is the deal with this game... You don't have to understand it to play. It is more often than not going to be a tie, or you lose very little money. The dealer also does all the real work. He'll help you on your hands, and setting up each hand as what will be best.

This can be a fun game to learn and play, and I suggest checking it out. This game is also a cheap way to get shit canned at the casino because there is really not a lot of losing that goes on. So you can sit there playing hand after hand and drink pina coladas all night long. It really is a good deal. I recommend this to people who have already lost there ass at the craps table to try it out.

Just remember to take care of your dealer, who is essentially playing for you while you get fucked up, and take care of your cocktail waitress who is getting you fucked up. It is an awesome way to gamble and drink. Until next time, stay awesome.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Ménage à trois

  1. Abraham Lincoln (pictured) bought $.50 worth of cocaine in 1860. Granted it was legal at the time, and when you are running a law practice, running a family, and running for President of the United States of America, then you probably could use the pick me up. $.50 in 1860 is probably the equivalent of around $10-15 today. I don't know how much cocaine he got for that because it was probably a lot cheaper and easier to get at the time. Today a gram of cocaine runs about $60-$80. Odds are because of inflation and added value of cost for illegal importing and what have you, I would guess that $.50 bought good ole Abe about a gram or two of cocaine. I bet he was the life of the party when he was doing bumps in the Whitehouse. I have to assume this is a good way to deal with the breaking of a country and Civil War. He also had an awesome beard.
  2. When was the last time that you felt the need to join a cult, castrate yourself, drink cyanide, and wait for an alien spaceship to take you to heaven? Well on March 26, 1997, when the comet Hale-Bopp was approaching its closest point to Earth, 38 people followed Marshall Applewhite on a mystical journey. 21 women and 18 castrated males of varying ages followed Applewhite in drinking a mixture of phenobarbital and vodka. Since they were found, I can only assume that there were no aliens secretly flying alongside Hale-Bopp ready to transport these fucktards to heaven. Stupid Heaven's Gate cult...
  3. Turtles can breath through their butts.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Getting My Marathon On

So everyone by now should know how much I truly love and care about boobies. If you don't then I suggest you read the link on the word boobies. You can also just scroll down and read the blog. Anyway the blog is beside the point, well actually I guess it backs my point that I love nothing more (except maybe a perfectly rolled pre-embargo Cuban as I double down at the Bellagio with three fingers of Macallan) than a perfect set of well crafted (by God or surgeon) knockers...

With that knowledge in mind, I have decided to make it my goal to do my part in saving the boobies. I am going to run a marathon. I am going to run the White Rock Marathon (Dallas, TX) this year. I am not 100% on the date, but I believe it is set for December 13, 2009. My goal is to raise as much money as possible for the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation.

To help punctuate my dedication to the cause, I will run this marathon wearing a pink suit. Yes you read that correctly, I will be wearing a pink suit, and maybe a black or purple shirt (I mean I still have to look good). I am going to look into ordering a pair of custom running shoes in pink and whatever color shirt I decide on. I will be asking for people to donate an amount based on me finishing the race.

I hope that you, the person reading these words that I am typing, will want to be part of this. If you want to donate, you can email me and let me know how much you want to donate based on me finishing. You can also click here and donate directly to the cause. I don't know if I am going to get any direct support from the organization for doing this, but I will look into seeing if they are interested. I may even do a warm up Race for the Cure 5k with them on October 17, 2009 in Dallas. It would be a good warm-up run, though significantly shorter.

I hope everyone is interested in being part of this, and if you know anyone that can help me in getting directly involved with the Susan Komen foundation, that'd be great too. Also if you know a good place for me to find a pink suit...

And now I also have my mind on cigars (see picture) and so after I finish, I am going to have a party for any of the people involved, and I will smoke me a fantasticically awesome cigar... God it will be a good day, helping save boobies, suits, cigars, maybe some scotch...

Anyway, this cause is something very important to me, well because as we discussed before, I love me some titties, and also as I said before...who doesn't? This is an awesome cause that has Captain Awesome's approval. So I hope you can be awesome with me and support this great cause. I'll keep everyone updated on my training progress (currently at 4 miles with no problem). Stay Awesome.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Captain Awesome's Guide to Gambling: Slot Machines

Alright here is the deal. There is one form of gambling that I don't think I will ever take part in...

The slot machines. This gambling hot spot is not meant for people who use their brains. If you like feeding dollar after dollar into a machine and just giving money to a casino, then be my guest. If you are at a casino with me, it is NEVER ok to play the slot machines. I don't care who you are, if you go to Vegas with me and I catch you on a slot machine, then we are no longer friends.

However, there are some people out there who I would say it is acceptable to play the slot machines when at the casino (unless of course they went with me). If you have to breath with an air tank in between cigarettes, then it's ok for you to play the slots. If you bowl on the same level as Barack Obama (or you think his economic plans will work) then you can play the slots. If the cocktail waitress you are trying to bang is working the slot machines, then it is acceptable to play the slots, but only up until you close.

That's really all I can think of. Essentially the moral to the story here is, don't be a stupid piece of shit and gamble on the slot machines. They are not awesome in any way at all. Just remember, don't be a fucktard, be awesome.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Ménage à trois

  1. March 19, 2003, United States and Coalition forces initiate war on Iraq in an attempt to disarm them and remove Saddam Hussein from power. The end of major operations was declared on May 1, 2003, though troops remain as an occupying force there today. Hussein was found in hiding and would later go on trial. He was sentenced to death by hanging and was executed on December 30, 2006. This war is a defining moment for better and for worse for the Bush Presidency, much as it was with his father. I still believe it was the correct move to invade.
  2. On a brighter side, on March 19, 1931, the state of Nevada legalized gambling. It was done originally as an attempt to lift the state out of the hard times that came with the Great Depression. This allowed for the flourishing of Organized Crime in the state as well, but today the lion's share of tax revenues for the state of Nevada is from legalized gambling. Las Vegas, founded in 1905, would become the Mecca for big time gamblers as well as for nightlife and sporting events. It has become known as the entertainment capitol of the world. (Pictured is the Bellagio located on the Vegas strip, and my favorite hotel and casino.)
  3. Texas Western (now University of Texas- El Paso) defeated Kentucky on March 19, 1966. This victory is significant because the championship was won by the first all black starting lineup in college history. They defeated the number 1 ranked Kentucky powerhouse that included Pat Riley. The loss could be placed on the exhaustion of Kentucky, who had played a hard fought game the previous day against number 2 ranked Duke. Either way it was a huge win for Texas Western, who just dominated the game from the start.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Saint Patrick's Day

Ah, yes, St. Patrick's Day. While not serving as an official holiday in the United States, it is a holiday all the same. In fact, if you are awesome this holiday should be considered one of your favorites, if not your favorite of them all. I, Captain Awesome, have St. Patrick's Day on the level of awesomeness with Halloween, and when I say Halloween, I'm referring to the adult version of course...

What is appropriate to do on this holiday you ask? Well, anything that is awesome is acceptable, but there are a few guidelines of importance that you should follow. I consider myself an expert in the celebration of this cherished holiday.

Today I want to educate you on drinking obligations and issues that arise on this date. You see, many people think that drinking anything is acceptable as long as you put some green dye in it. This is not the case at all. A miller lite with green dye is NOT an acceptable beverage on March 17. And before you ask, neither is a bud light with the previously mentioned green dye. It is an accepted practice here in the states to partake in Irish festivities with American beer and spirits, and I aim to stop that blasphemy.

To help you learn how to truly partake in these festivities, I am going to compile a list of drinks that are acceptable on this blessed day named for the patron saint of Ireland.

Here are the beers:
  1. Guinness (Draught and Extra Stout)
  2. Killian's Irish Red
  3. Smithwick's Irish Ale
  4. Murphy's (Irish Red and Irish Stout)
  5. Harp Lager
  6. Beamish Stout
  7. Kinsale Irish Lager
  8. Kilkenny's Irish Cream Ale
Here are the beer mixtures (some of the mixed beers will not be Irish):
  1. Black and Tan (Guinness and Bass)
  2. Half and Half (Guinness and Harp)
  3. Patriot Pint (Guinness and Sam Adams Boston Lager)
  4. Dark Side of the Moon (Guinness and Blue Moon)
  5. Irish Anarchist (Guinness and Murphy's Red)
  6. Irish American (Guinness and Budweiser)
  7. Irish Canadian (Guinness and Molson)
  8. Irishman in Texas (Guinness and Shiner Bock)
  9. San Patricio's (Guinness and Corona)
Here are the spirits you can enjoy:
  1. Jameson
  2. Bushmills
  3. Bailey's Irish Cream
  4. Tullamore Dew
  5. Carolan's Irish Cream
And of course you can take the mixture of an Irish Whiskey and an Irish Cream in a shot class and drop it into half a pint of Guinness and there you have the infamous Irish Car Bomb. Enjoy.

I hope this information is helpful to you in your St. Patrick's Day celebrations. Someone spilling your beer on you is also a good reason to fight and be angry (see picture). Remember to be in awesome in your celebrations you have to make sure you are enjoying the proper tasty beverages. If you make your way to Addison, TX tonight, swing by Sherlock's Bakers Street Pub or the Flying Saucer and you can celebrate with Captain Awesome. Well party hard and stay awesome, maybe see some boobies while you are at it!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Captain Awesome's Guide to Gambling: Baccarat

The game of Baccarat is a head's up game. You can bet with the banker, the player and/or for a tie. Essentially your goal is to pick the option where you think the person you are betting on will come up with a hand closest to nine, or of course result in a tie.

You essentially add the value of the cards. If the cards add up to above nine, such as a fifteen or a seventeen, then you take the second number in the set. So you would have a five or a seven respectively. You also may draw a card to add to the value if you have an number 0-5. A natural nine (10 + 9) is the highest possible hand, and any natural hands of eight and nine end the hand if either the player or the banker has them.

Payout for betting the banker is 1:1 minus 5% for a dealer fee. Payout for betting the player is 1:1. Payout on a tie is 8:1.

There are two very different strategies to follow when playing this game of chance.

Strategy one revolves around Asians. For some reason, this French game of Italian origins has a huge following of Asian players (like all casino games). Asians get into this shit, and even track each game, hand by hand. So a basic strategy here is to find an Asian that is winning, and bet the exact same way as that dude. Just be careful, because Asians at a baccarat table are very superstitious, and if they think that you are following them they might switch how they are betting. This throws off their whole pattern and then they start losing, which means you start losing. So don't make it look obvious.

Stratagem number two is quite the opposite. Are you a guy that likes to go against the crowd? If you are then this is the strategy for you. Essentially you just don't follow the Asians. This has a two-fold effect. Effect one is that you increase your potential to look brilliant if you win, and all those Asians tracking hands are losing. It is a very feel good feeling. The second is when all of those Asians see you doing the opposite of their bet, and you win... Well it pisses them the fuck off. And seeing Asians angry and pissed off that you are winning and they are losing in a casino game where they are almost the only ones who play, well that's just awesome.

I obviously like strategy number two for playing at the baccarat table. It is by far the more awesome option when playing this game. So hopefully one of these strategies is effective for you when you hit the tables. Remember to always tip your dealers and cocktail waitresses. They are working hard for YOU, not for the casino. The dealer understands that when you win, they win. So until next time, keep that awesomeness alive.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Hannah Montana vs Radiohead

Apparently at the Grammy's (I didn't even know those awards still existed) Radiohead "dissed" Miley Cyrus. They apparently refused to meet her. I mean really? Are those British fucktards really so busy they need to bigtime a fucking fan? That's fucking horseshit.

I generally try and stay away from picking sides on a subject this stupid and irrelevant, but I couldn't let this one slide. They apparently offended Kanye West too, but that doesn't worry me that much. But fuck, Radiohead is generally considered in my opinion a highly overrated band who only have any type of popularity because music snobs like their ability to be "underground" yet still be "mainstream." Even when their music is not that great, and kind of boring.

While little miss Hannah Montana sounds like a 16 year old kajillionaire in a statement that she would "ruin" Radiohead, I believe those British fucktards really do care, otherwise they wouldn't have blogged about it on their website.

I will have to say I am going to side with Miley Cyrus. She is a better MySpacer (see picture)...

Plus I think she has more money, and well girls with their own money are just awesome. Being whiny little bitches from England is not awesome. Seeing that I am Captain Awesome, well I have to side with Hannah Montana. I mean isn't she a superhero or something, like Captain Planet? Anyway, keep on being awesome world wide web.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Ménage à trois

  1. On March 12, 1903, the New York Highlanders (previously the Baltimore Orioles) where allowed by the owners to become part of the American Baseball League. Known locally by the fans as the Yankees, the team would eventually rename in 1913, but their move to New York became official on this date in 1903.
  2. If Jack Kerouac had not been such a heavy drinker (as he died from cirrhosis) then he would have been 87 years old today. So in honor of the man, go out today have a nice scotch on the rocks or something.
  3. And as I am a card player, this interesting fact may entertain you, as it did me...the King of Hearts is the only king without a mustache in a deck of cards (probably why he is depicted committing suicide, cause who would want to be the only dude without a mustache?). This famous character from Alice in Wonderland (pictured) is also said to have been created as King Charles, presumably after Charlemagne. The King of Spades is King David, Diamonds is supposedly either Julius Caesar or more likely Augustus, and the King of Clubs is considered to be Alexander of Macedonia.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Captain Awesome's Guide to Gambling: Roulette

Here is the deal, people are fucktards when it comes to gambling. I hate every single time I go to Vegas, Shreveport, Winstar, or Tunica and have to deal with people playing blackjack that don't know what the fuck they are doing. To counter this issue of increasing annoyance to me, I've decided to start a new series of blogs, similar to my hunting and banging different types of females series. This one will be known as my guide to gambling. I hope you enjoy.

We will open the series with a popular game, though it can be costly. Here is a word on roulette.

When playing the game of roulette, generally you have to know what is a good bet, and what is a bad bet. Essentially in this game they are all actually bad bets. There are no systems to get rich, or to run the game, despite what you may have seen on Breaking Vegas.

The bets on which you have a higher percentage of winning have a far lower payout, like if you bet on red or black (18 numbers) , your payout will be 1:1, but if you bet a single number square, which is a very awful bet, then your payout is generally in the 35:1 range.

But if anyone tells you that the wheel has hit black 5x's in a row. There is really nothing wrong with making a bet on red. I mean it's like flipping a coin. Five heads in a row? You know you are going with tales for flip number six. What are the chances you get a black or a heads six straight times. Not very likely. This may be one of the best bets in the casino (though not in actual percentages and odds).

I don't recommend any of those bets. I also wouldn't recommend the column bet (12 numbers, 2:1 payout). What you should play is a corner bet. You get 4 numbers at an 8:1 payout. Essentially you just go choose your favorite number, pick a corner and make your bet. You get those 4 numbers that have connecting corners. It's still not a great bet, but it's what Captain Awesome recommends.

The key thing to do though in regards to roulette however, is to plainly just skip over it. It's fun to play a couple of spins here and there, but don't spent your night at the roulette wheel. There are plenty of other games that are way more fun.

Also, when in a casino (especially in Las Vegas), always remember to suit up. Also a reminder, that similar to strip clubs, casinos are a tipping industry. Tip everyone: the cocktail waitress, the dealer, the person in the cash cage, and if necessary, the valet. Tip any of them whose services you use when enjoying the gaming experience. And as always, be awesome.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Glorious and Awesome Boobies...

So, upon all of the great things on earth, there is only truly 1 thing on this planet that I think everyone can agree on. Boobies are awesome. I don't care if you are black, white, Mexican, Asian, or normal, you love boobies. I don't care if you are gay, straight, bi, she-male, female, or male...you fucking love a pair of rocking mammaries. Everyone can appreciate them, and everyone loves them. They are just awesome. And if you really like them, I would suggest checking this out right here.

This blog is a tribute to those glorious and mesmerizing fun bags. I happen to love them all. You get some people who prefer real, and even some that prefer fake. Some people like them really itty bitty, and some love to bury there head in some some major enormous melons. Some like just a hand full, and some like more than a mouthful. I don't believe it dome discrimination though.

So you ask, which type of dueling banjos would I prefer, without discrimination? Well first and foremost, I'd prefer mambos that are accompanied by an awesome bush (See Jenny McCarthy above). When it comes right down to it though, nothing beats a nice solid 34C. Not too big, not too little. A good neutral size, similar to my penis. Oh and I know you just pictured my average sized penis swallowed by a couple of amazing average sized set of flesh melons. But I also like the movement capabilities of the natural, but I also love the look of the fake...so I can go either way on that side of the coin. But you know what I love boobs. I could watch 38DDD's bounce all day and night, and I could grab onto some precious little 32B's and be happy as the Marquis de Sade in a dungeon full of Asian catholic schoolgirls with all those crazy sex torture devices he would be into...

I want people to fully appreciate all forms of snuggle pups. I hate discrimination oh so bad. It plain burns me up. I just hate it when I'm at a strip club and I hear some guy complaining about a dancers boobs. They are boobs, and all boobs are fucking amazing. I don't care if they have the peperoni nipples, or one nipple facing up, and the other facing down. I don't care if they sag a little bit. And I don't care if they have scars or stretch marks. They are still fabulous and fantastic boobs there for you in all their exposed glory.

So when you get a chance today, I want you to go out and appreciate someone's fantastic rack. Go to the gym and workout, and if you see a sexy lady working hard and has her gazongas wrapped up in a sports bra, go tell her how awesome she his because she has awesome boobs. Compliment a stripper on her boob job. Maybe your waitress has a set of silos that blow your mind, well let her know what you think. Ladies, don't be afraid to let your bra buddies out to go and be on view for the world on occasion. I mean it's scientifically proven that peaches like to be out in the open. So maybe you should let more people shake your tree...

I just want everyone to appreciate the female war-heads in the same way as I do. They all deserve equality; small, big, real, fake, saggy, perky, scarred, uneven, and perfect; with big nipples, small nipples, long nipples, etc. All boobs are equal. All boobs are awesome. You may be a dude that likes the cock, or you may be a lady who likes the cock, but when all is said and done, you still love to see a fantastic bust.

Now show your love, and go here and show your support. I donate money every year, and have participated in some of the 5k events. It's a very important cause. If you love tits with the same passion that I do, you will donate. Help me save the great pumpkin patches of all the lovely ladies of the world. This is a truly awesome cause.

Until next time, keep on being awesome, save the boobies, and show your love to anyone that has a gorgeous set of hooters!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Ménage à trois

A little late, but I've been working and sick. But here is this week's edition of Ménage à trois. Hope you enjoy. Stay awesome.
  1. On March 5, 1770, the Boston Massacre occurred and would become a major factor in the war that would soon follow. If you don't know what war that is, well then you need to go back to 3rd grade American History.

  2. On March 5, 1969, Jim Morrison (pictured right) was arrested and charged with lewd behavior. When Morrison first got word of the charges for lewd and lascivious behavior, indecent exposure, profanity, and drunkenness, he thought it was a practical joke. He was charged with a felony and 3 misdemeanors. He apparently exposed himself on stage. He was sentenced to 6 months in prison and a $500 fine. He would die in Paris before he could serve the sentence. Long live the Lizard King...he was awesome.

  3. In 1953, on this day Joseph Stalin died. Ironically, this occurred on the same day that Winston Churchill in 1946 gave his famous "Iron Curtain" speech. Making the date of March 5th rather ironic indeed. I'm sure there are 8,000,000 Russians who had been killed that wish Stalin had died in 1946 though...

Monday, March 2, 2009

A Tribute to March 2

Today, as a Texan, is a very important day for me. Today is Texas Independence day. It is an important day, and is almost, if not more important, than the 4th of July. But that is because my first loyalty is to Texas.

There are also a lot of important birthday's today. My cousin, Bryan Embry is celebrating being old today, and there are others as well. So today, I will honor the birthday's of not just Texas and my cousin Bryan.

So I would like to wish happy birthday to the following people:

Bryan Embry
Sam Houston
Dr. Seuss
Daniel Craig
Mikhail Gorbachev
Karen Carpenter
Lou Reed
Desi Arnaz
and Jon Bon Jovi

Happy birthday to all of you. I hope you enjoy it by celebrating an awesome Texas Independence Day. Go out and be awesome.