Thursday, February 26, 2009

Ménage à trois

And it's that time again for a new installment of Ménage à trois. I hope everyone finds this week's post enticing, scintillating, tantalizing and enthralling all in one. Enjoy.
  1. On February 26, 1993, the first terrorist attack on the World Trade Center in New York City occurred. A bomb had been placed in a van in the parking garage. The resulting explosion led to 6 deaths and around 1000 injuries. Do to the foolish arrogance and idiocy of the terrorists, they were easily caught. The FBI found the VIN number of the van, tracked it to a rental place, and had the rental company return the $400 deposit (on an exploded van that was never returned...) to the suspect (Mohammed Salameh, pictured right). When he stupidly showed up to pick up a deposit to a van that he knew was blown up and not returned, the FBI arrested the man. Further investigations led to three other arrests and easy convictions due to the large amounts of evidence obtained. Each man recieved 240 years in prison as a sentence...
  2. Did you know that Chuck Norris' real name is Carlos Ray Norris? Be careful who you tell though. You should still be afraid of his super awesome roundhouse kick and beard.
  3. If you see a statue in a park with a horse and a man, and the horse has both front legs in the air, then the person died in battle. If the horse has only one leg in the air, then the person died as a result from wounds recieved in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, then the person died of natural causes.
Don't forget to check back next Thursday for another edition of Ménage à trois.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

A Return to Music?

I have made a decision to return to music. I think it will be good for me. I miss playing shows and recording tracks. I miss just jamming for hours. I miss the sound of a perfect fill that I played being replayed on a recording.

So several years (like 6) ago was the last time I played in a band. I played in 3 bands over a 4 year period, and was part of 2 different recording sessions and played many shows. We played anywhere from Deep Ellum to Rockwall to a church in Firewheel. I want to get back into that grind of playing shows on the weekends.

I have already talked to my brother (who plays guitar) and he said him and Cyrus (bass) would be interested in jamming to see what we can get going. While no band has been formed yet, I am going to allow for you to offer out ideas for band names just to see if anything good comes up.

I may get some old recordings posted up on myspace somewhere and you can give a listen. Anyway, that's it for now. Stay awesome.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The Mythical Unicorn, and the Powerful Amazon

So I have decided today was a good time to finish up on my series of lectures on hunting. I'll start with the Amazonian. These creatures are large tall and can kick your ass. When looking to bang an Amazonian please refer to my guide on whaling. It is very similar (which is why it doesn't get it's own blog). Just remember to pick one you can outrun, because they can get angry and hurtful. Anyway on to the important one...the UNICORN.

So everyone has one. Everyone wants one. Whether you are male, female, she-male, mammal, amphibian, or have that one person you can't have. This is known as a unicorn. Some of you may be thinking that well that's just a squirrel, and that Carmen Electra is your unicorn. Well here is my answer to're stupid.

While you are right, odds are if you want to go bang a super banging squirrel like Megan Fox, well you don't have that great of a chance. Mostly because you aren't on the same playing field of awesomeness as the dude that is already banging her. But she is in no way your unicorn, she is just a banging squirrel that you've never met, and will most likely never meet.

A unicorn is special, it is that someone that you have always wanted to bang. You may have had the opportunity to, and blew it, and now you will never have a shot again. Maybe it's your friend's wife. Maybe it's some hottie at a bar who is a part time model who you did body shots with, but you got too drunk and forgot to get her number and you never see her again. It could be that stripper that you spend $2500 on dances with thinking she'll have sex with you, then she doesn't, so you do it again three days later, and she still doesn't. Then she moves to Cleveland.

All of these are really just blown opportunities that you regret. That's the unicorn. That attempt to chase a pot of ass at the end of the rainbow. To catch your unicorn, and bang the shit out of it, but you no longer can. A mythical creature the unicorn is. Everyone has a unicorn, and one day, someone will catch their unicorn. I am going to tell you my steps that I am preparing to catch my unicorn. I think it will work. Then I will have achieved everything I care about in life, well...I'll have gotten to at least bang my unicorn. So here is my plan, I recommend trying something similar:
  1. Purchase large amounts of ecstasy and cocaine.
  2. Purchase a new, custom fit, 3 piece Armani suit in black.
  3. Purchase a bottle of Louis XIII de Rémy Martin.
  4. Invite said unicorn to a party.
  5. Allow her to ingest previously purchased ecstasy, cocaine, and cognac. This will keep her from noticing that no one else has arrived to your party.
  6. Turn on something sexy musically. I'm thinking maybe Al Green, Marvin Gaye, or the Jonas Brothers.
  7. Start dancing with said unicorn.
  8. I will, while dancing, slowly undress said unicorn and myself.
  9. When she is dancing in just her underwear, and realizes it and looks at me, I smile and say that's right. I invited you to the party in my pants. So let's get to it.
  10. I fuck the unicorn. We are probably so fucked up that I raw dog her.
Alas, I have achieved every man's goal in life. I have seduced my unicorn and made sweet, passionate, heated, and most likely very sloppy love to her. It's possible we do it 7-8 times that night. In between, we may get hungry and decide to get some egg rolls, pizza, or some guacamole. Maybe we use the guacamole in the art of coitus. Maybe I'm eating the egg roll when I'm doing her from behind. Who cares. She is my unicorn.

I, Captain Awesome, pledge to you, that I will try these 10 steps of banging my unicorn. I will have it published in a scientific journal, and maybe in hundreds of years, some bard or story teller will tell my legend. And maybe you read it on here. Either way, history will look back on me as the one awesome dude who banged his unicorn. It will be forever recorded that my awesomeness levels in that night, sky-rocketed to un-human figures. I will become awesome like a velociraptor. Ted Nugent will write a song about me, and then make hunting videos based on my research. That's how awesome I will be forever known. I will no longer be known as Captain Awesome, but known as Emperor Awesome. Or even known as the god of Awesome. Zeus himself will come down the mountain and tell me to teach him the ways of the Awesome. The Titans will lift me high above their shoulders. I will fire lightning from my penis, and pour scotch out of my eyes. I will control all suit makers and cigar rollers. Cuban's will be legal in the United States, and bachelor's all over will worship me...

And then I'll realize, it will never happen, because that would make her not a unicorn anymore. She will be just another rabbit, whale, squirrel, or cougar. But, never fear, I will still be Captain Awesome. Just can never catch your unicorn. That will make her no longer a unicorn. So just be awesome, and maybe she'll at least flash you some rocking tits one day. So until next time, stay awesome and suit up.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Top 25 Greatest Pieces of Music All-Time

So, here is the deal. Over the past month, I've been compiling music and songs to create this list. This is a list that expands as many forms of music as I could. This list started out as comical, listing only cheesy songs like "Cat Scratch Fever" by Ted Nugent, "Detroit Rock City" by KISS, "Final Countdown" by Europe or "Ice, Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice. It also would have included one hit wonder songs such as, "Song 2" by Blur, "MMMbop"- Hanson, or "Kung Fu Fighting" by Carl Douglas. These are all great songs in their own right, but in no way truly deserve an honor such as this. The more I got into doing this list, the more serious I wanted to take it.

So here is what I am going to do. First I will put up a list of by far the best 25 songs ever written and performed. This is a very tough list to do, and most people will say it is debatable, which of course it isn't as I am Captain Awesome, and I am the final say. There is a comment section if you want to make an argument though. Today I am posting the true Top 25, and sometime next month, I will post another Top 25, that is a list of really great and awesome songs, that people love and may have been one hit wonders.

Some of the songs posted, may have come out of a split decision of songs by a certain artist. Artists like Led Zeppelin, the Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, the Beatles, etc., obviously have multiple songs that could make this list. I have opted to go the route of one song per artist on this list.

If you haven't heard certain songs off of this list, I suggest the use of your iTunes account. I may even create a playlist that you can find on iTunes to download, so you don't have to search every song. When I do that, you will be able to find the link here. Well I guess it's time to give you that list.

25. "All Along the Watchtower"- Jimi Hendrix
24. "Bittersweet Symphony" the Verve
23. "Losing My Religion"- R.E.M.
22. "Tuesday's Gone- Lynyrd Skynyrd
21. "What I Got"- Sublime
20. "Hallelujah"- Jeff Buckley
19. "Bring the Noise"- Public Enemy
18. "Tiny Dancer"- Elton John
17. "Choral (Symphony #9)" Ludwig Van Beethoven
16. "Comfortably Numb"- Pink Floyd
15. "Sympathy For the Devil"- the Rolling Stones
14. "Piano Sonata #2"- Frederic Chopin
13. "I Believe I'll Dust My Broom"- Robert Johnson
12. "Brown Eyed Girl"- Van Morrison
11. "Colorblind"- Counting Crows
10. "No Woman, No Cry"- Bob Marley & the Wailers
9. "Space Oddity"- David Bowie
8. "Eleanor Rigby"- the Beatles
7. "Under the Bridge"- Red Hot Chili Peppers
6. "Bohemian Rhapsody"- Queen
5. "What's Going On"- Marvin Gaye
4. "Like a Rolling Stone"- Bob Dylan (pictured above)
3. "Stairway to Heaven"- Led Zeppelin
2. "Pathetique (Symphony #9)- Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky
1. "Layla"- Derek & the Dominos

Now, you have to remember, I am in no way listing these bands in order of the best band. This is only for the song and the way the song was performed. Some of the songs may not have been originally written by the artist they are performed by, they just happen to be the best version.

This list is subject to change of course, and you are welcome to put a song out there for argument. Like I said, I get the final say. Enjoy, and talk amongst yourselves. Stay awesome.

Addendum: Notable Songs that were up to be on the list that are still worth checking out:
"Loser"- Beck
"Brick"-Ben Folds Five
"Say It Loud, I'm Black and I'm Proud"-James Brown
"Semi-Charmed Life" Third Eye Blind
"Ohio"- Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young
"Jeremy"- Pearl Jam
"Tears in Heaven"- Eric Clapton
"Move"-Miles Davis
"Crash Into Me"- Dave Matthews Band
"How Much for Your Wings?"- the Black Crowes
"Surrender"- Cheap Trick
"Beat It"- Michael Jackson
"London Calling"- the Clash
"Friends in Low Places"- Garth Brooks
"Sabotage"- Beastie Boys
"I Will Survive"- Gloria Gaynor
"You Can Call Me Al"- Paul Simon
"Sunday Bloody Sunday"- U2
"Amen Omen"- Ben Harper & the Innocent Criminals

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Ménage à trois

So I guess it is Thursday, and I guess that means another new addition of Ménage à trois for the reading public. I think you may find this edition built around scandal. I hope you enjoy.
  1. On this day February 19, 1807, the former Vice President Aaron Burr (pictured right), the man who three years earlier had killed Alexander Hamilton (who fired his own pistol in the air) in a duel, was arrested for treason. It was believed that Aaron Burr was attempting to create his own independent republic with annexed land in the Spanish Territory from Louisiana and Mexico with the help of General James Wilkinson who was a Spanish agent. This would become known as the Burr Conspiracy. The word conspiracy being of importance, because he was acquitted for the treason. It was ruled that while he did conspire to act in treason, he did not actually engage in treason. He would eventually (after years of exile in Europe) live in New York and maintain a law practice.
  2. Speaking of treason, does anybody remember Benedict Arnold? Yes, the man who is infamous for his treason during the American Revolution. Well in 1777, the roots of that treason took place. Congress overlooked him for a promotion to Major General. He was a Brigadier General at the time, and he saw congress promote 6 junior officers over him. This left Arnold extremely upset and he almost considered resigning his post with the Continental Army. George Washington urged him to withdraw his resignation. In the end, the hero of Ticonderoga and Saratoga would hand over West Point to the British. He would die in London in 1801 as a poor, destitute, and lonely man who probably had received chlamydia from a prostitute (that last part is an assumption by Captain Awesome).
  3. In 1965, several South Vietnamese officers moved troops into Saigon in hopes to remove General Nguyen Khanh from leadership, but this coup attempt failed, and the bombing of Saigon was threatened. After the failed coup however; Khanh would eventually accept the Armed Forces Commissions decision to remove him as chairman and commander of the armed forces. General Lam Van Phat would replace him. Khanh would later become an ambassador to the United Nations.
I hope you enjoy this edition of Ménage à trois. It is a day filled with historical scandals (I will admit on the third item relating to Vietnam, I had to use the help of google. My knowledge of history is deep, but not that deep.) Check back soon, I may have a hunting tip for catching your "Unicorn" up sometime this weekend. And of course don't forget to check back next Thursday for an exciting new edition of Ménage à trois. Until next time, remember to always maintain awesomeness in the presence of hotties.

Monday, February 16, 2009

On St. Valentine's Day...and Awesome Day

So, this post comes a few days late, which I apologize for. Apparently binge drinking, strippers, cigars and hangovers makes it a lot tougher to blog than I would have thought. I figured I would throw out some thoughts on this holiday that was started originally to celebrate the life of Christian martyrs, in particular the eleven Valentine's of Rome. Or it could also be a remembrance of the St. Valentine's Day Massacre (right) of 1929 between Al Capone and Bugs Moran that left seven people dead between the two rival gangs.

Here is how I celebrated on Saturday. I showed a marine, recently back from Iraq what he is fighting for. The night started out with a bottle of Grey Goose, and a couple of Cuban cigars over at the Men's Club in Dallas. Free dances were available for my friend the marine, who we'll call Goober. He took advantage of these. The head manager bought us all a round of shots, and we had finished that bottle of Vodka within about 45 minutes (we had a little help from some dancers). So at that time we ordered a second bottle of the Goose. We continued to celebrate with some of the ladies of the establishment, who may have been a little upset that they were working on Valentine's Day, which meant they were all about having fun and seemed to be a little extra friendly... Well by about 12:30, Goober and his friend, whose name I can't recall were completely fucked up. Goober's buddy went out back by the pool and laid down and passed out for about thirty minutes (and it's about 45 degrees outside too). Goober went around and got countless dollar dances, and I sat upstairs and enjoyed my drinks and company as I would have any other night. And so the night continued and eventually they got back to spending more money on dances and then 2am rolled around and we were all feeling pretty awesome. That's how you celebrate Valentine's Day. Even though for me, it was just another day.

Either way, the celebration of this holiday currently is one considered of importance for those people involved in a somewhat heresy of human nature called a relationship, or marriage. I say this only because our animal instinct is to spread the seed (hence the high rate of cheating and divorce, neither of which I condone). Single people use the day to celebrate their status of being single, this however despite popular opinion is really lame that they even say that (and this coming from an awesome bachelor). You see the people that celebrate, "Single's Day" or "Single's Awareness Day" on Valentine's Day are only doing so because they are sad and lonely losers that don't know how to have fun without trying to get someone to feel sorry for themselves. Something needs to be done about this.

So in light of this, I am going to enact a new holiday. I will call it Awesome Day. One day (or 365 if you are awesome like me) a year it will be the civic duty of said participant to go out and be awesome. Candy, cards, and flowers are not required. Suits, cigars, and scotch are required. This day can be celebrated any time you want, if you are single on Valentine's Day and feel the need to be awesome, then celebrate Awesome Day. If you are cooking out on the 4th of July, and want to keep it going an extra day, then cook out on the 5th of July and call it Awesome Day. Just got a bonus in your paycheck on the 1st of November, celebrate Awesome Day. Are you white or Asian and don't feel right about celebrating MLK day? Well then call it Awesome Day and go out and be awesome.

What are the rules of awesome day? Well how about I list a few rules and suggestions:
  1. You must be awesome. Staying at home and watching TV doesn't equate awesomeness.
  2. You are allowed to miss work, you can call it a religious holiday, like all the people who miss work on Ash Wednesday...
  3. Binge drinking probably should be involved. You should take advantage of the full day, and remember, single malt scotch will help avoid those un-awesome hangovers.
  4. Don't know what to do? Try a strip club. Happy hours are a great time to wet your whistle, and maybe even your penis.
  5. Do something you don't normally do. Take a road trip to Vegas and call it awesome week, or go to Six Flags and get hammered. You can combine every drinkable liquor in your house then drink it and see if you survive, if you do survive go out and get laid to show how awesome you really are.
  6. Write a blog about how drunk you got and how awesome that rabbit was you just railed. If you got pictures, show them off.
  7. Attend a college football game, but never enter the game. Choose to tailgate all day instead, and you and two buddies finish an entire keg of Bud Ice with no outside help.
  8. Go shot for shot of Jack Daniels with a biker named "Slim" who probably out weighs you by 160 lbs. If you win, you will definitely get laid by some biker slut named "Itchy Suzie" or "Dirty Diana," and get yourself really cool nickname, like "Bump", or "Darth Bubba", or even "Mad Dawg."
  9. Go whaling.
  10. Pretend to be an up and coming porn director and have casting calls on the couch in your parent's house while drinking all their liquor and using the family video camera.
Well as you can see, this new holiday that will become known as Awesome Day is one that has endless possibilities. It can also last all year and then you can just call it Awesome Year. There is also Awesome Month and Awesome Week. You can pick or choose, just make sure you do something awesome when you select your holiday. Well maybe I'll see you out on Awesome Day at Six Flags or a North Texas Football game, or even at Spearmint Rhino. Just remember don't celebrate a holiday because you think you have to, or create a special loser day title like "Single's Day" to make your loser self feel special. Just be awesome.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Ménage à trois

So I have decided to start a new weekly blog section. If you didn't read the title, then I guess I will tell you that the name is going to be Ménage à trois.

What is this section you ask? Well I guess it could have been all about sex and sex positions, but that would be too easy. Plus there is already a book out there, and I'm sure several thousand blogs. This section is going to be a story on random facts. They could be anything from the real name of an actor or musician, to a this day in history fact (as I hold a History degree), or even a funny joke or story. I might even be just a funny picture I have seen, or a website that I really like to visit. All in all, every Thursday from here until I stop writing this blog, I am going to try and give you a fantastic set of three, which I am calling the Ménage à trois. Enjoy.

  1. Do you remember this day in 1999? I do, if I remember correctly, President Bill Clinton recieved his aquittal in his impeachment trial. I guess when I become President and get blown by interns all I have to do is not lie about it and I wouldn't have to worry about being impeached. Because he was impeached for perjury and obstruction of justice. I don't know why people even cared. The guy has the most stressful job in the world, and while he has the most horrific taste in women (I mean, Paula Jones, Monica Lewinsky, and Hilary?), he still deserves to, nay, he MUST have his "Elmo tickled" to perform his duties as President. I guess that's kind of all I have on that subject. I am putting Bill in Awesome World.
  2. Al Capone's business card said that he was a used furniture salesmen. I wonder what he did if you tried to bargain your way down on price of a rocking chair...Either way, the guy was awesome. I think he is in Awesome World.
  3. Dueling is still legal in the country of Paraguay, but only as long as both parties are registered as blood donors. My question is what if your Second is not registered, is that legal as well? And is it still considered murder if the man dies? I think I could really get into dueling, I mean Andrew Jackson was in several...
Well, there you have it, the first edition of Ménage à trois. I hope it was good, and I hope that it will only get better from here on out. If you enjoyed, let me know what you think. If you didn't let me know what you think. Until next time, keep rocking in an awesome suit like you are Captain Awesome.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

A word on Squirrels.

So, I am sure many of you are wondering what a squirrel is, just as you may have felt the same about rabbits. You see, in some ways rabbits and squirrels are actually very similar. In other ways however, they are almost complete opposites. You see a squirrel has a much nicer and more quality tail than a rabbit does. So you just have to remember that a squirrel is just higher quality of tail, and they are also a little harder to catch.

There are many ways a woman can fall into the squirrel category and out of the rabbit category. Generally appearance and occupation play a large part in that...actually, it plays the only part of it. You see there are numerous opportunites out there for you to bag a squirrel, you just have to make sure you know who they are, and how to bag them. That's where I come in, as a teacher of all things Awesome, I can teach this as well. I have already done the same for cougars, rabbits, and whales, and I will also touch on the unicorn and amazons as well. So let's get down to it.

Who are squirrels? Well the answer isn't hard, as they are more common than you think. I guess I will start with the obvious forms of squirrel: Models and Playmates. You know it's true, because every guy wants to say that they are or have railed or even dated a playmate or model. I mean it's all Tom Brady does besides win Super Bowls and throw TD's. And guys, every one of you has seen a Playboy at least once in your life and said to yourself, I'd love to marry her and then 3 years later divorce her, she is the woman of my dreams. It's just true. I mean let me throw a list of names out there, and you tell me that they aren't considered high class tail (if you don't know some of these names, I suggest using google):
Carmen Electra, Heidi Klum, Adriana Lima, Tiffany Fallon, Jenny McCarthy, Pamela Anderson, Jodi Ann Patterson, Sara Jean Underwood (below), Shannon Tweed, Isabeli Fontana, Alessandra Ambrosio, Doutzen Krous, Marisa Miller, Bar Rafaeli, and Summer Altice.

But the squirrels don't stop at playmates and models, you can't forget about actresses and singers. That list could consist of a few names like:
Shania Twain, Carrie Underwood (below), Jessica Simpson, Megan Fox, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Jennifer Love-Hewitt, Eva Green, Anne Hathaway, Eva Mendes, Kelly Clarkson, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Mandy Moore, and Scarlett Johansson.

I mean seriously, that is high class tail. But being famous isn't the only thing that makes high class tail, being rich helps too (which most of the previously listed women are). A very sexy woman in certain professions can also be considered a squirrel. They could be a CEO of a company, or be a rich heiress, or even be a famous athlete like:
Maria Sharapova, Anna Kournikova, Amanda Beard, Paris Hilton, or Brenda Barnes.

And of course you can throw in strippers and porn stars, and I am talking about just the hot strippers. The ones that you can never get a dance from because some 77 year old fuck face is paying her $2500 to sit and talk to him because he can't get a hard on so he doesn't need dances, but she's the hottest stripper in there so it pisses off all the guys can want her to get them hard. The strippers you can give $50 to for a tug job don't count. But those types of women are what you should consider as squirrels, and I'm sure you are thinking that they might be unicorns, but trust me...they aren't. You can obtain for yourself a squirrel, and remember, they don't have to be famous, just equally hot and rich to compare to those that are famous.

So now you ask me, "Captain Awesome, how do I bag myself a squirrel?" So here are a few steps in what you may want to try to get there:
  1. Buy and wear an awesome suit. This of course goes without question.
  2. Be funny. How the fuck else would Seth Rogen be banging anyone?
  3. Be able to communicate on their interests. Know about things like fashion and stupid political views.
  4. Become President of a really famous charity and get a model to endorse it, and then make her thing you are sensitive and awesome, even if you are only doing it to bang her.
  5. Own a nightclub that becomes trendy in either L.A. or New York.
  6. Write and direct an awesome movie with them in it.
  7. Pretend to be a director, and do a "casting call" on your "casting couch."
  8. Be a professional athlete or a musician. You can be a shitty musician in a shitty band and get away with it (Pete Wentz).
  9. Be succesful and confident.
  10. Be awesome on Captain Awesome's level.
I hope these ideas help, there are other ways to get them I'm sure, but I listed the easiest ways to do it. They have worked in the past, and will continue to work in the future. I hope this helps you in your knowledge gathering and quest for being with a squirrel. It's every man's dream, just don't be a loser, and go live that dream. Until next time, Stay Awesome.

Monday, February 9, 2009

So I am a Poker Legend now...

So over the weekend I was asked to play in a charity poker tournament for the American Mobility Foundation. Poker and gambling is something that many of you know that I take very seriously. So I went in looking to win that shit.

One of the players in the tournament was poker legend TJ Cloutier (see picture on left), who is considered as one of the greatest players all time. He is a member of the Poker Hall of Fame (2006), owns 6 WSOP bracelets, is second all time behind Phil Hellmuth in WSOP final tables with 39, and has 5 books in publication on playing championship poker. So in general this Richardson, TX resident can handle himself at the poker table.

Well anyway, back to the tournament. It started with 108 players, and would finish with just one. I started at table B, seat 2. Well let's just say, I owned that table. We started with 5K in chips, and playing as most likely the most aggressive player in the room I had that stack up to around 20K within the first 30 minutes, forcing three players at the table to re-buy. I was making fabulous reads, including one which netted me a pot of around 7K in chips. I was essentially at the top of my game.

Well about an hour and a half in, the started to break tables up and consolidate as players were starting to get busted as the re-buy period was over. When it got down to about 45 players, the venerable Mr. Cloutier arrived in seat 6 of MY table. He would not last there for very long. Two hands to be exact. The first hand he was dealt at the table he didn't play, and well the second went as follows:

TJ (under the gun): "I guess I'll have to make it $700 to go."
(Table fold around to me)
Capt. Awesome (on the button): "Well just because it's you TJ, I say we make it $1700 to go."
(The blinds fold)
TJ: "Well only because it's you, I'm all-in. It's another $5,500 to you."
Capt. Awesome: "Well if that's the case TJ, I don't have any other choice but to call."
TJ: "Well all I got are these kings."
(He flips over his pocket kings)
Capt. Awesome: "That's a big hand TJ."
TJ: "Why, do you have the aces?"
(I smile as I slow roll my pocket aces over)
Capt. Awesome: "Fraid so TJ."
(5 cards come out on the board, none being kings, allow my aces to hold up)

And that is the story of how I busted a legend. So it has now been scientifically proven that I am a legend of poker as well. In the end though I took two big hits in consecutive hands that knocked me out in 17th place. Both hands were bad beats on my part. First hand was I had A-K off suit under the gun, and made a raise to get 3 callers. Flop comes out A-2-8 with 2 diamonds, first guy moves all-in with what little he had left, and to protect him, I moved in as well. Well some dumb slut who looked like Bea Arthur called all-in and she had a decent stack size too. Well the first guy showed A-5, and so he was dominated unless a 5 comes, and I show my A-K and dominating position, then Bea Arthur over there flips over her Q-10 of diamonds. What a cunt. She moved all-in on a flush draw on me? Well of course luck was on that bitch's side, and she hit her fucking flush on the turn, and that cut my stack size in half, no longer making me chip leader (she would bust out about 7 hands after me due to her shitty play).

The very next hand I am in the big blind and I look down at an A-Q of spades. I'm feeling pretty good, then it folds all the way to the small blind. He raises it up about 5 times the blinds, and I look at him. I can tell right there he is trying to steal my blind with a mediocre hand. I put him on A-7 off suit or maybe a K-J at best. So I look at him, and declare that I am all-in. He insta-calls. When he called that quick, I thought I'd run into a monster and just made a bad read. And keep in mind I still had a good chip size and he only had me covered by about 2K in chip with the blinds at 1000-2000. Well I show the A-Q suited and he flips over A-9 off like he is fucking king of the world. I mean what a fucking donkey. I saw him flip that shit over and immediately I knew a 9 would hit that board. I was right, the door card of the flop was his fucking 9. To top it all off, he hit another 9 on the fucking river, and not a single spade was on the board. Fucking lucky son of a bitch.

So after I bitched at him for a while, I grabbed my signed TJ Cloutier book, and walked out steaming at the two beats I'd just taken on two hands that I will hope they call me on every time. Luck wasn't on my side that night, but then again it rarely is. Like they say, "I'd rather be lucky than good any day." Either way, I am now officially a poker legend (and like I said, this has been scientifically proven). So until next time, stay awesome.

Friday, February 6, 2009

I'd rail Stifler's Mom...

Ah yes, one of the best hunts known to man, the cougar. The ferocious beasts are a tough hunt, mostly because they are really out hunting you, you just won't know it until your pants are around your ankles. Cougars are a whole different breed. When hunting rabbits, squirrels, or whales you are the one making the move and going in for the kill. When hunting the cougar you only think you are. So the question has to come...How do you HUNT a cougar? I guess I will start a little bit by explaining what a cougar is for the ignorant few who don't know.

You see it is said that a woman hits her prime running around the age of 34 and this lasts through her mid 40's. The average male (Tommy Lee, Ron Jeremy, Bill Clinton, and I being exceptions) begin a decline in their early 20's. Now a cougar needs to be pleased sexually, and a limp dick 42 year old stock broker just doesn't cut it anymore. So in comes the lawyers and then you get yourself a sexy cougar out on the prowl. They are on the hunt, but they are looking for prey just a tad bit younger. They hit the bar scene looking to get fucked, similar to a rabbit, but way better. They pounce on an unsuspecting 23 year old who might be wearing a nice 3 piece suit, and they eat him alive.

A cougar can also go by other names as well. The most popular also comes into play if they have kids, and it is perhaps the most popular name given, and that is the MILF. More recently a title that came out was VPILF, those are respectively Mother I'd Like to Fuck and Vice President I'd Like to Fuck (for the recently defeated Sarah Palin). Of course if you are reading this, then you already knew that. There is also the obvious nickname of "Stifler's Mom." Anyway back to the question at hand on how you can be the hunter.

Well there are many ways to answer it. The best answer I can give is learn to make yourself a very appealing prey and have the strongest of the pack of cougars rip into you like you've never had done before. You see when hunting cougars, it's a lot like fishing, you just have to have the best lure or tastiest bait. Here are some tips to guarantee that the Queen of the Cougar Den (I assume the are similar to Lions) is pouncing all over you for the night.
  1. As is the case with all, wear a spectacular suit. The dressier the better, make sure you use color with the shirt and tie combo though.
  2. Certain occasions will call for a tux, rock the shit out of it.
  3. Pick the right locations for your hunts. Weddings are king, but you can't rule out expensive bars, or trendy night clubs. I like hotel bars.
  4. Be awesome as always.
  5. Know your way around both scotch and wine.
  6. Be able to talk about something they would know and care about like American Idol or Days of Our Lives.
  7. Have the energy to keep up with their sexual prowess. Cocaine and red bull is a common mixture for cougar hunters to remain prepared.
  8. Look like a distinguished younger man by rocking an awesome playoff beard.
  9. When asked what you do for a living, you play professional sports, or you have a job where you make bank.
  10. Don't be scared. Look a cougar in the eye and tell her, "It's time to fuck, and I'll be doing the fucking. Then in the morning you can make me some toast and do my laundry and I'll probably bang you again." They eat that shit up.
I hope these tips are helpful in your hunt. Don't go after the cougar lightly though, as they can be dangerous. If you let them do all the hunting and you become nothing more than prey. If that happens, then your odds of bagging any other cougars goes down after one has marked her prey. Just remember these tips when hunting and you should do alright. Good luck hunters and always remember to be awesome like Captain Awesome.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Is professional wrestling real?

So I told myself that I wouldn't blog about the Super Bowl. I wish I had bet on the game, cause I would have been correct in that Arizona would not be blown out and it would indeed be a close game. I have refused to bet the Super Bowl though ever since those damn Bears swallowed Manning cock. All sports betting aside though, that is not the point of this blog. I have come to the conclusion that all professional sports are fake, so I guess that means that wrestling could potentially be real...

I know what you are thinking, but hear me out on this one. Joe Namath and the Jets, were they the better team? Of course not, but he made his guarantee, so football big timers decided to make it that way. When the Red Sox won the series in 2004, did they not do something that had never been done before in MLB history to make a "miraculous" comeback in the ALCS against the Yankees? Did the Tampa Bay Rays turn into the worst team in baseball to the "2nd" best over night? Did Tony Romo really fumble that snap on accident in the playoffs after getting it right every other time in every other game he played? Was that Pau Gasol trade seriously real? Did Tim Donaghy really cheat the Mavs out of a title because he was betting on sports, or is the NBA rigged? How did the Arizona Cardinals really make it to the Super Bowl and the Patriots didn't even make the playoffs?

All these questions lead up to the point I am trying to make. Professional sports are rigged. They are rigged to create a Cinderella story (Arizona Cardinals, Tampa Bay Rays, Colorado Rockies), or to give back to a fan base that has been patient (Boston Red Sox), or to create a controversial story for the media to get hype back into the sport (Tim Donaghy & NBA).

Last night as I watched the Super Bowl, I felt as if there may have been a few moments where the officiating was a tad unavailable. Why wasn't the Warner "fumble" at the end of the game even reviewed? I guess a Cinderella story in the big game and losing has been the trend in sports these past few years (Rockies, Cardinals, Rays, and even the Detroit Tigers). It makes for a good revamping of the sport in certain ways to that city. I mean the Tigers in 2003 where the worst team in the history of sports, they were so awful that they finished with a .265 winning percentage only to be topped by the Lions of Detroit in 2008 coming in at .000...

I guess I have to assume that the Lions will be playing in the Super Bowl and probably losing to the Denver Broncos under a new head coach. That would make for a great Super Bowl story. It would be good for the NFL, so this year I want some credit for writing the ending to your script. Maybe Barry Sanders even comes back to the team as a position coach so he gets a chance to go.

Here is my one question to the big shots with the NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL, MLS, etc... Can the Texas Rangers please win a fucking World Series? I mean come on fuck, they've been in the league 3x's longer than the Rockies, Rays, Diamondbacks, and Marlins...You wrote the Marlins in twice. Tell me, it's because Tom Hicks is a shit eating cunt right? I mean if that's your reasoning because he is a fuck ass, then I guess the NHL just didn't know that yet in 1998-99, but they sure knew in 1999-2000 and every year after that. I mean I could live with the Cowboys not winning a Super Bowl again while Jerry Jones is the owner if you bring a World Series here as soon as Tom Hicks is no longer a fuck ass.

Anyway, I figure while I am predicting the outcomes of all major sports (if you read old blogs I predicted the NHL Western Conference playoffs 5 months before it occurred last year) then I might as well as do it again. World Series: New York Yankees v. Chicago Cubs (W). Super Bowl: Detroit Lions v. Denver Broncos (W). Stanley Cup: Phoenix Coyotes v. Washington Capitols (W). NBA Championship: Atlanta Hawks (W) v. New Orleans Hornets. MLS: Who the fuck cares, it's soccer. Royal Rumble: "Stone Cold" Steve Austin...

Well that's enough of my rant. I hope my brief examples will help break out the conspiracy that all professional (and maybe NCAA D-I sports, I mean the BCS really?) are all fake and scripted. They are nothing but season long plays that connect the whole country as opposed to just a bunch of theaters on a street. I mean sports has everything a play has: Drama (T.O., A-Rod,Tim Donaghy, etc.), Good Guys/Underdogs (Rays, Cardinals, Rockies, Josh Hamilton, etc.), Evil Villians (Yankees, Lakers, Cowboys, etc., Comedy (T.O., Sean Avery, etc.), and even Love Stories (A-Rod & Jeter?, Sean Avery & his Sloppy Seconds, etc.).

Well anyway, I hope you all get the picture. I'm sorry the Super Bowl upset me like this, but it should, because it was so obvious this season that the NFL is fake. If you think I need more examples, then feel free to ask for it. I can find them. But until next time, which will probably be another addition to go into your hunting files, Stay Awesome.

Sunday, February 1, 2009


So I just heard about this show called Bromance. I have no idea who the guy is, but Matt un-awesomely informed me that he was on the Hills. While I haven’t seen the show, I will say that this guy is awesome. It takes someone truly awesome to put on a show to find a new bro. I have to only hope that while they compete to bro out with the guy from the Hills that they all abide by bro code.

You know what, this show inspires me. I think I may be holding open auditions for a bro to be a partner for me for my appearances in public. Your job would be to go out to bars, clubs, and topless lizard lounges with me and to be awesome with me. You may even be allowed to contribute to my blog, and in the future my stand-up comedy routine. This will eventually translate over to when I get my morning radio show. It will be kind of like Wayne's World, just with suits...and on the radio...

I think for all those who are interested we should set up a somewhat bro like awesome interview to see if we have the rapport to work together awesomely. I think I will even open this up to female personalities. It would be fun to work with an equally or close to equally awesome female, she will just have to not be offended by sexual harassment.

There will have to be some governing rules and guidelines that must be abided by. I will name a few, but the rest you can see under the rules of Awesome World.

  1. A suit must be worn whenever Captain Awesome is suited up.

  2. Being an exceptional wingman like Captain Awesome is a requirement.

  3. Habitual drug use will not be tolerated.

  4. Habitual alcohol use is encouraged. Binge alcohol use is preferred.

  5. Knowing the rules of a strip club is very important.

  6. Knowledge of the correct way to play blackjack and most other casino games is required, and this is perhaps the most important rule. I don’t like explaining why you always split aces and 8’s and what a line is when betting sports.

  7. You can never say no when you are invited out to be awesome.

Well those are just a few rules. If you wish to apply, send your résumé to You can also leave a comment on the page with all needed information. I hope that this experiment goes better than that guy who is doing the show that I have never seen…