Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I Hate NY...


So the popular opinion seen on many a t-shirt is “I (heart) NY.” Well as I am 30,000 miles in the sky returning home to Dallas, TX I just want to say the opposite. On my third trip to NYC I have revived my hate for the city, and honestly the state. I will back up all of my statements, and you are free to challenge me, but you won’t win. This makes my statement of becoming a Yankees fan if the Rangers are out of the race in July all the more painful for me.

Well I guess I’ll go ahead and dive right into it. I’ll start off easy. All of those stupid liberals that know absolutely nothing about government, politics, and economics who follow only what they read in some stupid newspaper. They bother me and the northeast is full of them. I can’t but help notice that every liberal state has outstanding taxes (which I learned the hard way in New York, but that’s a different point) and their unemployment is outrageous and their state is in debt and in the case of a couple, close to filing bankruptcy. Look at the states that are very conservative and Republican, like Texas and Oklahoma; these states have a surplus despite a tough economic situation in the country and their unemployment rate is significantly lower than the national average. So liberals should shut the fuck up and learn to be awesome and not be stupid trendy tools. Give me guns, no state income tax, the death penalty, and a white conservative in power any day.

Reason number two is simple. Driving in NYC blows ass. Why can’t people in New York learn to drive?

Reason number three goes back to the taxing situation. Overtaxing has destroyed the states of New York and California. CA is on it’s way to filing bankruptcy and New York has almost no businesses and factories left up there. They have taxed the hell out of companies leading them to move their operations to the Midwest and the south. This leads to unemployment. How stupid can they really be? Texas doesn’t even have a state income tax. People have extra money because home rates and the cost of living is ridiculously low. Thank God I am a Texan. I mean I don’t have to pay taxes on drinking at bars and restaurants in Texas. In NYC they screw the shit out of you on that.

Number four is also important. Most of the bars I visited over a period of a couple of days blew my mind. Where are all the fucking rabbits and whales? I was in a bar last night looking to have a good ole awesome time and I walk in and there are about 17 dudes playing darts and one girl watching them. What the hell is up with that? I have never been in a bar with that bad of a ratio. I saw this in Long Island, Brooklyn, and even to a degree in Manhattan, but the bars in Manhattan blow because they are tourist traps that over charge the fuck out of their drinks. $9.00 for a Crown Royal on the rocks? I better have overly large and probably fake tits being rubbed in my face if I am going to overpay for a drink like that. I will say I have yet to visit every possible location to have pure evidence that this is the case, so more research will go into reason number four.

Reason number five has to be that damn New York/New Jersey accent. I mean I can understand if people don’t like the Texas accent that you may see in places like Ft. Worth or Lubbock, but honestly most people love that hick accent. It’s fun and on the right rabbit pretty damn sexy. New Yorkers just sound ignorant.

Reason number six has to come in regards to my hate for the Yankees and the Giants.

As you can see my hate for the stupid Big Apple doesn’t go unfounded. People are probably going to hate that I hate NYC. For some reason there is some stupid love of all things New York from people. Probably it’s for the same reason that people are liberals. I guess they think it’s trendy to like places like New York. And don’t try to bring up the point that I just don’t like liberal places, because I happen to like L.A., Boston, and Austin. New York City just doesn’t have that awesomeness that I, as Captain Awesome, have come to expect out of the cities that I travel to.

Well enough with that. I will be in Dallas within two hours from now, and of course you will be reading this long after it’s written, but I think I will have to go be legendary soon to counter the un-legendary time I had in NYC, except for when I had a cop laugh at me because I was drunkenly peeing in an alleyway in Floral Park. He was a nice guy who let me off because I was from Texas. I wouldn’t have paid the ticket anyway though.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

That Lola Bunny is one sexy piece of ass…


Greetings blog world, Captain Awesome is here again as always. As I write this I just want you all to know that this blog is actually not going to be written from the desk of Captain Awesome. I am currently sitting aboard a plane on my way to New York City to spread some Texas awesomeness to a city that over the years has lost its awesomeness. This of course won’t be posted until after I have already landed and begun spreading my awesomeness, so you may see it on the news before you read it here…

Anyway, that’s not the point of this blog. I figure I would continue my series on hunting wild game in the concrete jungle. I am sure many of you found my whaling narratives to be enthralling and helpful. Of course many of you already had an idea of what whaling was and is, just like you will have an idea what cougar hunting is. Those are generalizations of the hunting game that many people know; I am just trying to help you optimize your kills. Today however I am going to hit you with a form of game with a title you will never have heard of before, though I may mix in a few comparisons you understand. This is a title that is Captain Awesome approved, as it is something that came straight out of my head. The prize catch of this hunt is none other than the rabbit (can also be known as dolphins if they are caught swimming with a whale (see article on whaling)…

What is the rabbit you ask? It’s as good a question as any that there are for you to ask of me. Well, what do you think of rabbit’s when you here it? Cute ears, fuzzy little tail, Bugs Bunny, carrots, lots of fucking, etc…Well in the world of “big game hunting” the rabbit is probably the most commonly hunted. I would say that the hunting age of rabbits ranges from 18-27 and no further than that. You see like cougars, rabbits are a specific age, and they become something else, and this is contradictory to squirrels, unicorns and whales which generally maintain their title through life. And know, I am not making a reference to Playboy Bunnies, who will be listed in a separate class.

College is probably when rabbits are most likely on your radar. They are those girls you see out at the bar, there may be 3-4 of them with a whale and perhaps if lucky a squirrel. They have been referred to at times as “woooh girls,” or a more frequent term, sorority girls. Many of you may have been thinking along the lines of a Jessica Rabbit when you read this blog, but she is in a different class, she just happens to be married to Roger Rabbit. You see rabbits are the girls that like to party. You’ll see them doing shots of tequila at the bar while they are wearing mini-skirts and Ugg boots in winter (maybe with a little fish-net stocking action). These are the girls that have over the years kept the scorched earth policy in the lower region popular (because they really watch more porn than they would dare acknowledge, but the female appearance trends based on porn will be a blog later on).

These are the girls that when they go out, they are going out to get laid. They are easy to spot, and when spotted, move in for the kill early, because it will be a mad house to get the end-of-season kill around 2am. They will take you home and fuck you like rabbits and then the best part is, they don’t want to spend the night. Usually they have to go home and check on the whale that may or may not have been harpooned that night. So hear are 10 tips on how to bag yourself a tender and tasty rabbit.


  1. Wear an awesome suit, but be more casual with. Try the no tie look. A grey suit and black French cuff shirt works wonders on the rabbits.

  2. Purchase a round of shots for the whole group, so that they all like you. At times a rabbit needs approval from a fellow rabbit.

  3. After the first round of shots, don’t be afraid suggest a body shot or 7.

  4. If they are wearing the “Poof” in their hair, tell them how much you like their “Poof.”

  5. If after all those shots, you feel the need to spew, pull the trigger before you leave the bar. That way you can be awesome after 2am…

  6. When asked what you do for a living, be trendy and hip with your job, but you can also have a caring job. I like photographer, teacher, writer, or pilot.

  7. Make her laugh. Laughing could be the best form of foreplay.

  8. Be prepared for anything. Rabbits are frequently a group that is tough to count on. If one of the rabbits wants to go, generally they all leave. Be prepared to go hungry on that occasion. This is best prevented by following Rule 2.

  9. Be awesome at all times. No slip-ups or showing signs that you aren’t awesome.

  10. ALWAYS wear a rubber. Remember the saying “Fuck like rabbits?” Well this is a saying for a reason. Rabbits like to fuck.

I hope these tips help you be awesome and bag several rabbits a month when you are out hunting. They can be the most fun, and at times these rabbits are available for seconds. Repeat is one of the keys to being awesome, and rabbit repeat is no exception, unlike whaling or cougars in which you will want to avoid repeat. So until next time, always remember to be awesome, look awesome, and to hunt the shit out of the game awesomely. Thanks for reading.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Queequeg, grab your harpoon, time to board the Pequod...


Well it is soon to be the weekend and I decided to celebrate it with a blog. If the title of this blog confuses you then I suggest you delve into some great American Literature. This is going to be a blog about one of my favorite past times...whaling.

You see I am a hobbyist and an adventurer. Hunting wild game is just what I do. I have on occasion made a cougar hunt, and those can be deadly if not done correctly. But one of the riskiest hunts known to man could be the whale. While risky; it can also be quite enjoyable. The risk is that at all times you run the risk of failure and the ultimate ridicule. Death can also be a factor if the whale you are chasing is big enough. And don't get me wrong, I'm in no way encouraging you to be a whale crazed Captain Ahab, that's when you will for sure allow whaling to be the death of you...

No, on a rare occasion every so often, the sport of whaling can be quite relaxing. And if done correctly, it is also quite easy. You see what many of you may not know is that whales love to be caught. They don't want to be the mythical unicorn that many men chase. They want to be just another rabbit in a fox's world. They know they can't, but said desire makes whaling quite easy.

Here are some ways to greatly improve your whaling game:
  1. When the whale is surrounded by a group of luxurious and beautiful dolphins, avoid the dolphins completely and go straight for the whale. Throw a few insults in the direction of the dolphins and the whale will become blubber in your hands.
  2. Offer to take said whale to an all you can eat buffet, like Cici's.
  3. Compliment said whale on her ability to fit in the dress she may be wearing.
  4. Use the line, "You're gonna get it."
  5. Tell said whale you are about to be shipped of to Iraq, and before you go you want to experience the feeling of whale vagina.
  6. When asked what you do, you own a bakery...even if you don't.
  7. Get the whale to laugh with some wit, even if you aren't clever, pretending you are may still get a laugh.
  8. Wear a suit.
  9. Just be yourself and be super awesome.
  10. An awesome line may be, "I want to spear your blowhole with my harpoon."
Well I hope these 10 items help when you begin your whaling game. And remember, practice makes perfect no matter what the game. So I hope you take this advice to heart. And I s'pose I will delve into other hunting trips that you may want to take in the future in later blogs. I will cover cougars, rabbits, squirrels, unicorns, and Amazonians. Just remember, the key to whaling though is to not lose your nerve, forget what everyone thinks, and be awesome. You'll grow to learn that whales are much friendlier than all other members of the big game hunting targets, you just have to know what you are doing.

As always you can email me with your questions, leave comments, or even tell me of your own whaling excursions. My next blog may come from my adventures in the Big Apple, that's right, I'll be in New York for a couple of days. I may even get some Empire State whaling done out in the Hudson...See you all later.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

28 years from now...


So, I guess I wouldn't be any good as a blogger if I didn't give mention to the Inauguration of Obama today. I can't say that I am filled with any special type of emotion as the American government makes a transition over to a new regime. I am one of the few who still support George W. Bush. I can actually say that during their presidency since I have been able to understand things like war, politics, and history I have yet to not support the man shouldering the weight of the job. I won't say I was anti-Obama during this campaign, but I did not vote for him and I would not consider myself a liberal. He is our new president and I will give him my full support now. As president I will even offer him a spot in Awesome World.

The reason I say that is because in 28 years, I plan on standing in front of the capitol giving my speech to the nation and swearing in on maybe the same Bible that Andrew Jackson used or something. It is a goal of mine to achieve the highest office in our land, to help serve and protect my country and it's citizens around the world. I have a ways to go to get there though...

Here's my plan: 3 years of law school. 13 years of practicing law. 12 years as a Senator from the great state of Texas, and then I run for President. I think I may start campaigning now just to get my name out there too...So remember in 28 years, when I am at the sharp age of 51, you will see me standing there wearing a super awesome suit rocking a beard that would make Lincoln proud and accepting my new role as Commander-in-Chief.

So I guess this blog is just to say congratulations to President Obama and to say thank you to President Bush for 8 hard ass years in the White House. As often as the current president is mocked or criticized, as they all will be; they deserve the utmost respect from every citizen in this country, and the world for that matter. It is the most stressful job on the planet because of the level of influence that the United States has around the globe.

If Obama or any other future president's read this, my only advice is..."Stay Awesome."

That goes for the rest of my readers who are already awesome. If you aren't awesome my advice would be somewhere along the lines of "Get Awesome." That's really all I have to say about that.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Bush is Back!


I'm sure when you read the title to this blog, you thought it was probably going to be a little political. If that is what you were hoping for, then I would like to apologize now...

You see, I, as Captain Awesome, have attempted to "bring things back" into style. I brought back the Fresh Prince high five and am currently working on bringing the everyday suit back into fashion. Something else I am hoping to bring back (for those who didn't read my blog on the environment...) is wild and untamed pubic hair. I want America and the world to go back to the golden ages of old. We need to go back to a time when America was swinging. A time when men wore suits to go get a haircut at a barbershop or to grab lunch at the diner. I want to see the fedora come back as a standard of business dress.

I have made it my personal goal to bring back the casual suit, or the leisure suit. I want people spending more time matching suits, shirts, and ties than worrying about what they want to eat for lunch. I want everyone to look awesome. And suits make you look awesome. The fedora is just icing on the cake. It's not required to bring back the suit, it's just there to make you look extra awesome. I guess at times, dress slacks, shirt, tie, and sweater or sweater vest is ok as well. But nothing beats the 3 piece suit. Adding the vest in there makes you look even more classy and more awesome. A good sports coat can also be accpetable if you wear the right pants and a tie.

So go out to Men's Wearhouse, or K&G, or Armani or Dillard's or anywhere you might find a suit that you can rock and be awesome in, and buy yourself a 1 or 2 suits. Mix it up between 2 and 3 buttons, add a vest, or pinstripes. Get yourself 4-5 shirt and tie combos to go with it. And then when you go out to the bars, or to dinner, or to the barber you can rock the suit and look awesome.

There is something else though, and that is that I also want to see a jungle of bush when I pull down a girl's panties...

Yes you are reading that correctly. I am so tired of the shaved and waxed look. It's so 2002. This is 2009, and I am ready for a change. And girls, you don't have to move right in and do the wild 1970's porn bush, you can keep it well groomed still. Trim it up, make it your own little garden. You could turn it into a landing strip, or make it into a cute little heart. You could have a standard triangle shape, or you could even make it into a diamond, because hey, who doesn't like diamonds!



I don't aim to offend people with my goal to bring it back, I understand there are creepy guys out there who like the scorched earth look (probably because they are into tweens). So girls if your man is into that type of thing, I guess give it a shot until he asks you to call him daddy or something.

I personally like a little style out of it. Maybe you shave it into a 'CA' just for me. Make me feel special, like you want the world to know that Captain Awesome these pubes are for you. I also like the heart. Kurt Cobain sang about a heart-shaped box; this is what he was talking about, trust me. I would be willing to help show all you ladies some design possibilities as well for any who are interested.

Well that's really all I have left to say on the subject. I hope you aren't offended by this blog or the picture related to it. But if you are offended, well I don't really care. So until I post again remember, suits and bush...they are the future of fashion, mark my words. And always remember to practice safe sex. Herpes is not cool.

Friday, January 16, 2009

I'm a Facebook celebrity...

Hello everyone. I am officially a facebook celebrity. You can become a fan of me here.

I have also been invited to be part of a stand up comedy gig in Dallas this Tuesday. I think at this time I am going to have to decline. But in future weeks I may be taking part in that, so I will keep everyone posted.

I hope everyone has clean suits and are ready to look awesome this weekend.

I am in the mood to go to the strip club. Maybe have a nice full bodied cigar and top it off with a White Russian.

Maybe I'll just buy a bottle of Champagne or 3...

No matter what you do this weekend, remember one thing. If you are on facebook, you should become a fan of me...Captain Awesome. The link is above, and I hope to hear from you all very soon. I love all of you, so show me some fucking support! If you want the actual URL it is:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Captain-Awesome/58404243392?ref=mf

Monday, January 12, 2009

Young asks Rangers to explore trade...


As many people who know me know...I am a die hard Texas Rangers fan. I have a strong tie to the team, bred somewhat from my grandfather, but I will be honest...they are coming to a close on having me around as a fan.

I mean one, they didn't even respect me enough to answer my application to manage the Texas Rangers last year. I guess they are still unable to admit that hiring the homeless black guy off the streets to coach a professional baseball team was not a good move for the franchise. When they get around to admitting that to themselves, I fully expect a phone call. I just hope the Cubs haven't called me by then offering me some kind of lucrative deal...

Second, they also must not have learned about alienating players. This is a franchise that historically has produced hall of fame caliber players. The problem is, they make those guys feel unwanted so they are shipped else where or re-sign with a team that will treat them like professional athletes. The fact that they did not resign Ivan Rodriguez a few years ago is still something that pisses me off at times when I think about it. Their handling of the Alex Rodriguez and Mark Teixeira dealings made them look like the people in charge of the Texas Rangers shouldn't even be running a little league team. The Michael Young news of the last few days is almost just icing on the cake. 3-4 years ago, the Rangers infield looked to be set up to be playing together for the next 10 years. Now they have been trying to deal Hank Blalock, Mark Teixeira just was given a shit ton to be a Yankee, Mike Young wants out, and my guess is that Ian Kinsler doesn't make it to 2010.

I mean I'll be completely honest I could coach circles around any coach (except Rudy Jaramillo) that is currently staffed by the Texas Rangers. And my left nut could probably perform the same tasks that Jon Daniels, Nolan Ryan, and Tom Hicks are currently doing. I hate saying that too because I am a Nolan fan.

I wish there was a way for me to guarantee that some of the big brass with the Rangers could take a gander at this blog, but they are too busing trying to fuck up the 2010's decade of baseball in the north Texas area. I guess I just miss the 1990's when Rangers were winning the West and the MVP on a very consistent basis. When George W. Bush was part owner and Doug Melvin was putting together winners. I miss all of that, I miss Rusty Greer, Juan Gonzalez, Pudge, Dean Palmer, Aaron Sele, and Rick Helling. I loved that we could throw a 20 game winner out there during a season.

So I make this oath to you readers of my memoirs. If the Rangers make a move and deal Michael Young, and then come July they are not going to be competing for a trip to the playoffs, then I will buy a Yankees hat, a Mark Teixeira #25 Yankee jersey, and maybe be a Jeter t-shirt, and I will be a New York Yankee fan just like every other stupid tool that feels it necessary to cheer for teams that they have zero connection to, like the Cubs or Red Sox. But at least come October I would have a reason to watch baseball. I expect full well for you readers to make sure I commit on this atrocious act against all things I see right in baseball.

Anyway, thanks for your time, and if you aren't a baseball fan, right now I honestly envy you...And just so everyone knows, I went on record just yesterday before hearing this news that the Rangers were going to win the west and make it to the 2nd round of the playoffs. Oh how I regret those words now.

At least I will have Cowboys training camp to talk about next summer...

Friday, January 9, 2009

I'll get in on BCS talk



So I am not a large follower of college football. Sure I will watch a game on occasion and have attended a few here and there. I am an NFL guy though. When I watch college athletics I don't say to myself, "those are the best athletes in the nation competing right now." This rings especially true in the field of baseball, but I'm going to lay off of that for now.

So the long standing BCS debate is about a playoff system. Here is the problem, how do you decide who goes to the playoffs? You would have to decide in the same way that coaches and sports writers vote for the BCS bowl games. You couldn't just go by record alone like many people suggest. There are some teams that are far better than their record would show, like a 4-loss Ole Miss that made a 1-loss Texas Tech look absolutely stupid, but with 4 losses, would Ole Miss make a 16 team playoff? No fucking way. Is Ole Miss good enough to win a national title? Well they were the only team to beat the now current national champions.

Another argument would come from Utah. They finished undefeated and in their bowl game made a team that spent several weeks at number 1 look stupid. Utah during the season never was even ranked in the top 5. Why? Because the voters never saw them play. So Utah would be for the playoff system as it would help them truly prove how good they were, despite the fact they play in a shitty conference that winning does not give them a guaranteed BCS bid.

So there are plenty of arguments you can give for the BCS voting system and for a playoff system. Every year some teams are screwed, and every year some teams are helped out. Until you can find a fair way to set up a good playoff system based on the number of teams, don't count on it. My advice is: forget college sports, the real competition and excitement can really be seen in the professional ranks. The top players in the world play professionally and the stage is larger, the action is better, and the money isn't bad either. I would rather have watched the 0-16 Detroit Lions play the 4-12 Seattle Seahawks in a game as opposed to the BCS national title game between Florida and Oklahoma last night. Is it because gambling on pro sports is better to predict? Maybe. Is it because I have zero ties to both Oklahoma and Florida? Possibly. I like to think its because I would see a more exciting game between 2 shitty NFL teams than from 2 overrated college football teams.

But hey, I have always had a bit of a mercenary attitude, so playing for money would seem way more interesting to me than playing for a school that may be paying for an education that you may not use because you are going to be a football mercenary in 3-4 years anyway...

Oh, and in case you are wondering, I did a google search for a picture of Tim Tebow, and the picture came up as a picture of his girlfriend, so I will give him a pat on the back for that.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

I truly care about the environment....

So I don't know how many people out there know me really well. One thing that I think everyone should know about me is how much I care about some different issues that plagues this world. The main issue that I want to talk about today is...no it's no global warming or over hunting the buffalo...its the cutting down of the forest's and the scorched earth policy that has really seen a major rise in popularity....

You see in most cases you have a mountain north of a forest, and sometimes a grassland. Since the 1970's these mountain ranges have also come in artificial form, but either way, they must be casting a major shadow of the continuously growing problem of depletion of these forests and grasslands. Dating back through all time these fields and forests have grown strong and thick and have had beautiful color and style. But dating back to around 1994 our environment took a major turn for the worse, and this can be seen documented in many publications, like National Geographic, Nature Conservancy Magazine, and Playboy. It has become a popular trend for the people to shave down these beautiful wildlife locales. Leaving it as nothing more than a boring, bald valley though they at times still will have moisture. You see while I believe these forests are fine growing wildly, some people believe that shouldn't be. I do believe it is acceptable to trim the hedges and make the landscaping more presentable for all to see. But the thing that bothers me most is to see a barren valley that is producing moisture. It goes against everything we know about nature...moisture leads to growth, and when you can't see any shrubbery in valley regions, it makes someone wonder. I mean sometimes I think, oh, the valley is just to young to have any significant growths, we can just give it time. But in general this problem is due to a scorched earth policy that has become popular, and I hate it.

"Why do you hate it so much Johnny?" you ask. Well I hate it because if I see barren landscape I feel as if there is nothing that can truly be produced there. When I go diving and exploring in the the cold mountains, I always hope that as I delve south of those mountains and it begins to heat up that I will have some cover as I investigate situations in these warm, moisture filled valleys. I mean look at it this way...would you rather after a perilous journey through a mountain range (or in some cases some minor hills) traverse a barren and ugly desert or would you like to go through a nice soft well cultivated landscape that is pleasurable to view on your way to the forbidden valley? It makes sense doesn't it? I hope so, and I hope this has been informative for you. So if you believe in our natural resources as much as I do, then you will stand by me and sign my petition outlawing the deforestation that has become prevalent in our country since around 1994. Thank you once again for your time.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Resoluting to not have Resolutions...



So, it is generally a time honored tradition for people all across the globe to make up some cheesy idea that they believe will change their life if they do it. These are generally things like: get a better job, stop being a slut, lose that baby fat I've been carrying for 37 years, drink less, drink more, stop being a loser and go out and get some rando, or even just to read more (like maybe this blog). I really have never known anyone to stick by a resolution, but then again I don't really care enough to ask people what their resolutions are going to be. Well since most people aren't awesome enough to know what is good for them, or for that matter bad for them, I've decided to come up with a list of New Year Resolutions for the 2009 campaign that YOU should probably do. These 10 things will help you in making yourself a more awesome person who really knows how to live in this world. Of course, if you are like Captain Awesome you should only have one resolution every year that must be kept...Be more Awesome...Anyway on to the list. We are going to do it David Letterman style, and this is probably the only thing he does that is worth watching, because let's be honest, he really isn't that funny.

10. Buy a new suit, and rock the shit out of it at least once a month.

9. Learn the finer points of what it takes to have well manicured facial hair.

8. Take a tour of a wine country, and this could be anywhere you choose like: California, Italy, or France.

7. Double down on a blackjack as opposed to taking that stupid 3-2 payout.

6. When wearing spurs, make sure not to squat.

5. Remember to ask his/her name the night before as opposed to the morning after therefore to highten the chance that morning sex or repeat sex happens.

4. Crash at least one wedding.

3. See what Cuban cigars are really all about.

2. Make love in an elavator.

And the number 1 resolution for you to be more awesome in 2009 is...

1. Buy a bottle (or 3) of way overpriced champagne in a Las Vegas strip club and wake up in your suite the next morning with 3 strippers, the limo driver and a cocktail waitress all passed out naked in your room, then proceed to throw the limo driver out, rail the girls and then go bank in a sweet ass game of blackjack with 2 of the 4 girls. Obviously the ones with the biggest tits.

If you do all of these things I can guarantee that your 2009 will be significantly way more awesome than your 2008 was. If you need help in ensuring that you get the top resolution, all you have to do is ask for the help of Captain Awesome. You can invoke me if you get people together wearing certain colors of suits and call upon the combined powers or cigars, suits, scotch, gambling, and strippers. I am like Captain Planet, except stopping evil doers is not really what I do, I just make you more awesome. Until next time, remember 83.83% percent of the world is struggling to be awesome, don't be like them.

Friday, January 2, 2009

The Lift

This one is a classic that I wrote (11/7/07) and was considered a favorite among my avid readers on myspace. I hope you all enjoy! As before I appreciate all comments.

The Lift:

I've entitled this blog the lift, now you read that title and sure most of you are confused of what I am talking about, or have never actually experienced the lift (for my high school readers). Well let me begin by telling everyone that the lift is one of the greatest things any guy can experience...it's one of those experiences where you know magic is gonna happen. Now I know what you are all thinking, "what the hell is this lift that Johnny is talking about?" Well let me premise this that in the last couple of weeks, I have experienced the lift multiple times and I can say for a fact, it never disappoints. So now, I am going to tell you all what the "Lift" is. To do this I am going to describe the events that lead up to the "Lift" and the rest will be up to you to figure out on your own. Now then, guys let's say you meet a pretty girl, in class, at a bar, or at a party you begin the night with getting to know them, and that's fun. Maybe over dinner, drinks and a movie, you learn about this pretty girl. Now for some this happens in one night, for others it takes a couple of "dates" if you will to get to the point where things move to the bedroom. You know you start making out things begin to get a little agressive, you pull the lefthanded snap (***for those interested in learning the art of the lefthanded snap leave comments and I can write a blog on that exciting subject) and you unleash a pair of most likely amazing breasts. At this point things are getting a little hot and heavy, and you want to take things to the next level (if you have read other blogs of mine, you know that the next step is sex, not oral) and you aren't sure you have the ready set go from the girl. The question: what is the point when you know that you are ok to go in and get your dick wet? The answer my friend is the lift. The girl rises up from her backside and raises her beautiful bum and gives you the ok to go ahead and pull those jeans off, and don't be afraid to take that lace thong of her's off as well. That gentlemen is when you have experienced the "Lift"... Now the rest of the story as it is made will be up to you my loyal readers who have waited months to get a new story from me. And as a reminder..."Don't be a fool, wrap your tool!"