Monday, December 29, 2008

The Life of a Dallas Sports Fan

Greetings Captain Awesome Fans,

Yes, you read the title and now you think this is going to be nothing but a long drawn out bitch about the Dallas Cowboys. Well you are partially right, I am really just going to reiterate on a blog that I wrote last year when this same thing happened in the playoffs. I also want to point out, that since he became a starter I have never been a fan of Tony Romo, granted when I was calling for Brad Johnson to start, it may not have been out of my thought that BJ was a better quarterback, but more to point out what I have thought about Romo (I still think the Brady Quinn draft would have been something to look at for the Cowboys). The one upside to Tony is that he is currently railing Jessica Simpson, and banged the shit out of Carrie Underwood before that, so that is pretty awesome of him. Anyway, this is going to be a cut & paste job with some editing on what follows from my previous blog (on myspace). I hope you enjoy and can sympathize for a sports fan in the D/FW Metroplex.

January 13, 2008 - Sunday (

A Dallas Sports Fan

Today I would like to write about something way more important right now, and that is the pain it takes to be a sports fan in Dallas. I am referring to only the Big 4, Dallas Cowboys, Texas Rangers, Dallas Stars, and Dallas Mavericks. I realize there are some other minor league teams as well as professional teams in sports that I don't give a shit about, like soccer.

So here is the deal, teams from Dallas historically have been pretty good and competitive. We have had winners, MVPs, and many, many playoff runs. Sure there have been a couple of championships, the Dallas Cowboys, the oldest sports franchise in Dallas, has 5, and the Dallas Stars, the youngest has 1. So let's look at this, 4 teams in a period of about 50 years have a combined 6 titles in 4 major sports. Not very good. The Dallas Cowboys, America's Team, has 5 Super Bowl titles, very good in the NFL, but as of now, they have not won a playoff game in 12 years (counting today's loss to the New York Football Giants). ***In 2008, they have choked in a game against a rival Eagles team, and did not make the playoffs*** Now the Dallas Cowboys of the early 90's is essentially the only true time period that I personally cannot complain about, seeing as they were a true dynasty. So for the rest of the blog, I will lay off the Cowboys.

Let's start with the Dallas Mavericks now. 2006-2007: Dirk = record in club history, 3rd best record in NBA history, number 1 seed...1st round playoff bust to an 8 seed...2005-2006: good season, good playoffs, in the a far less superior Miami Heat team. I don't really need to do this on a year by year basis for the Mavs, because honestly they sucked ass until around like 2002, not even making it to the playoffs most of the time. So, Dallas Mavericks...0 titles.***2008, a deadline deal to get Jason Kidd did not end their playoff troubles.***

Now the historically biggest loser in Dallas, TX history, the Texas Rangers. 35 years in the area, going on year 36, total playoff appearances, 3. Total league MVPs, 5. Well four players, as Juan Gonzalez won it twice. 3 players with multiple home run titles, 2 players with batting titles, tons of silver sluggers and gold gloves, three manager of the year awards...playoff series wins...0. Total wins in the playoffs...1.***2008, they did finish 2nd in the division for the 1st time ever, but that was with an under .500 record and 21 games behind the Angels. Josh Hamilton made a run as the league MVP, and had the Rangers been good, he would most likely have won it.***

Alright, on to the Dallas Stars, actually in their 15 or so years in Dallas, not that bad. Stanley Cup winners in 1998-99, and made it back the next year. Multiple award winners, many playoff experiences, though there are also many disappointing bust outs. Twice winners of the President's Trophy for best record in the NHL. All in all though, only one Cup of Lord Stanley. ***The 2007-2008 season was actually very exciting for Dallas hockey fans. They played 2 outstanding series against Anaheim and San Jose, and fought their hearts out against a superior Detroit Red Wings in 6 games, falling 2 wins shy of a 3rd Stanley cup appearance. I am not going to mention the 2008-2009 campaign right now...***

So for the fans of other cities with a lot of champions, Boston, LA, New York, Chicago, rejoice in the quality in your sports. For those of you who are fans of sports in cities like Dallas, Atlanta, Seattle, Cleveland, Philadelphia ***Won 2008 World Series***, San Diego and I won't forget those of you in Buffalo, you can share the pain. Though we in Dallas have way more than you, they are essentially all in 1 sports. Cleveland, you are the city I feel for most. Good luck to you. For everyone else in Dallas Sports Land, I dare say prepare yourself, while the cowboys are donesky, the Mavs will be a second round bust, the Rangers will probably finish last in the west, I think the Stars, if they can figure out how to get around Detroit have a chance to make a third appearance in the Stanley Cup. They know how to handle Anaheim and San Jose in their own division, but the only team we have to worry about is Detroit. The Mavs have to worry about Phoenix, San Antonio, and Golden State, a much more daunting task. They may escape a first round matchup with someone like Utah, but a second round matchup with the likes of the Lakers, Spurs or Suns could prove in another disappointment, similar to what the Cowboys suffered to a team that they dominated twice in the regular season. Anyway, I'm done ranting...and I think I should move to Vegas. I think sports would be a lot less stressful for me to watch living in a city without a major professional sports team. Hell I could just move to Europe and become a soccer fan, but what would that accomplish. Anyway I'm done, so I say fuck Tom Hicks and the shit he has done to the Rangers organization.

Seeing this post from a year ago my feelings haven't really changed, but I am surprised with my accuracy in calling what was going to happen that year in sports for the Metroplex. Anyway, this is just a rant and rave that I am reposting after seeing the Dallas Cowboys get reamed by an Eagle team with a quarterback, who according to Rush Limbaugh is just not a good quarterback...of course that is a whole different story. I hope you all have enjoyed this blog (again if you read it last year), and tune in next time for another exciting writing from Captain Awesome, oh yeah...Get your popcorn ready...

Friday, December 26, 2008

An age old question?

So there are many questions in life that really bother us to the core. I mean asking someone the meaning of life is generally one of those. If we really know what love is, or how do we know when we have found that special someone? Or does a bear shit in the woods? All these questions give us things to ponder and question what we are even doing. But one question that always seems to bother me, is a question that I, along with many other people may struggle with. And that question is: Dark or clear liquor, which should you drink? And it should be noted that beers, wines, and champagnes will be left off.

Now I know what most of you are thinking, it's really a preference of taste. This is an ok response I s'pose, but only if you aren't trying to be awesome. You see when ordering a drink, being awesome is very key. So we will go into a degree of detail to see if we can figure out which is the most awesome. I'll start simple:

Tequila (available dark and clear): Not an acceptable drink to maintain awesomeness. While it is effective in getting you hammered and making clothing on females fall off at varying degrees, it is just not an awesome drink. This drink should be reserved for only one week per year, and in only certain parts of the world. Spring break in exotic beach-like locales (Mexico, Florida, etc.). This limited time and location really limits this liquor from a list of awesome drinks.

Rum (available dark and clear): Now we have moved into a more tricky spot. While dark rum is almost automatically ruled out (unless you are a pirate), the clear version of this liquor makes this classic Caribbean treat a competitor in the most awesome liquor. Is it because of its flavor? No, of course not. It is because clear rum generally is used in the making of two vary awesome drinks. Mojitos (awesome any time you can get one) and Pina Coladas (awesome when on vacation). These 2 drinks alone are worthy enough to keep clear rum in the running for most awesome drink choice.

Jagermeister (dark): A jager-bomb is really only acceptable when you are under the age of 21. You should stop drinking this cough-syrup like concoction around your sophomore year of college, unless of course you are at a high school party with no other options.

Vodka (clear): A longtime classic and a favorite in the race for most awesome liquor. Let's just put it this way, few people can order a "Vodka martini, shaken not stirred" without looking awesome. Vodka is acceptable year round and during anytime period during your life. It is used to make you feel awesome again after a tough awesome night in Bloody Mary's and Screwdrivers. In general, vodka is an acceptably awesome drink that we will definitely consider.

Gin (clear): Another clear liquor that is used in making drinks such as a Bloody Mary and martinis. While this tasty drink is good and can compare to that vodka, it is still not at the level of vodka keeping this clear liquor from being the truly number 1 awesome liquor.

Whisky[or Whiskey] (dark): Whisky really has to be split up into a few different categories, these categories are American, Irish, Scotch, and Canadian. Or if you prefer, blended, rye, bourbon, and malted. These categories will be each mentioned in regards to country of origin. I am also completely ruling out Japanese whisky, or anything from another country not previously mentioned.

American (bourbon and rye): A classic choice here, remember you have choice such as Jack Daniels, Maker's Mark, and Jim Beam. I like to consider myself an American patriot to some degree, because I can admit, it would be tough to be awesome all the time in a place like Mongolia or some shit, so I am proud of what we have to offer in the whiskey department. These drinks can go well mixed, but that is not the awesome way to drink these American favorites. They go well in shot form, and are made to be awesome when drinking straight up on the rocks. This makes American whiskey a good option for most awesome drink.

Irish (malted): When you think of the Irish not many different things come to mind. You get Celtic tattoos, Guinness, corn beef and cabbage,St. Patrick's Day, and whiskey. Bushmill's and Jameson are the clear favorites in this category. These drinks can be taken as a shot, sipped, and they most frequently find themselves involved in a bomb generally known as Irish Car Bombs which also contain Guinness and Irish Cream. But there generally is a lack of support for the Irish whiskeys unless it is St. Patrick's Day, so while very awesome then, it is hard to throw my support in the Irish corner.

Canadian (blended and rye): Crown Royal. Enough said. Though not a lot beats the taste of a good 7 and 7.

Scotch (malted): Scotch whisky is unique in flavor. It is classy to drink. Have a scotch on the rocks, or maybe with a splash of water can't be beat. Especially if you have yourself a nice cigar or some really good pipe tobacco. It is a drink of kings, spies, and alcoholics. Musicians, lawyers, and writers have also been known to drink it. A nice glass of Walker Blue Label (or even Black Label) makes for a fantastically awesome drink. Or a Dalmore (scotch cigar malt) with a well wrapped CAO Vision with an amazing flavor...I am thirsty just thinking about it...

Anyway, this leads me to narrow it down to a top 3. Vodka is the only challenger from the clear department. Scotch and American bourbon are also in the hunt. So what is the most awesome finely distilled spirit? I believe I will have to go with vodka. I know, I talked up Scotch a lot...but vodka has a larger variety of options when drinking. I can enjoy a Grey Goose straight up. Or some Stoli in perhaps my favorite drink, a White Russian. I can enjoy myself some SKYY in with some Tropicana and have a tasty...and healthy...Screwdriver. While I am a man who loves scotch, and I do believe it is quite an awesome drink. So while you can look awesome drinking some Dalmore with a cigar, I think James Bond and his vodka martini's may win out the day in the most awesome liquor, therefore leading the clear liquors as top dog.

So the next time you go out drinking, remember to have a drink in cheers of the world's liquor makers. The Irish, Canadians, American, Scotch, and the Russians all deserve credit as true spirit distillers...and I guess we can't forget about the Caribbean and Mexico, Italy and Germany...though they aren't quite on the same playing field. Either way, go out tonight, grab yourself a glass filled with awesomeness and liquid courage and drink to awesomeness.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays from Captain Awesome! I hope you all got everything you wanted, and wanted everything you got. I know I always do...
Be ready for some new blogs coming soon. I have nothing but awesomeness to give you. If the photo offends you, then well you need to be more awesome.
Anyway, Merry Christmas and if I don't write until then, Happy New Year!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

So you think you are Awesome?

This blog I posted recently on my myspace blog, and I am making it my first official blog on here. Enjoy!

Alright, so I frequently get questions about what makes someone awesome. I get asked how I came to be so awesome. And so I have decided to set up a place for everyone who may be questioning how awesome they are. The place is called Awesome World, and I am King of it (and I will admit, the basics of this idea are ripped off, but I am making them my own). As King of awesome world I am the sole person who decides if something you have done will credit you a one year residency in Awesome World. It is for only one year because I fully expect my citizens to maintain awesomeness through out multiple years, so unless what you did is something that I would consider super awesome (and if you want to know what equates super awesome, you can ask me) then I may make the exception to grant a lifetime citizenship.

Now that we have basic rules down for entry, let me tell you about Awesome World. Here you are friends with everyone else in Awesome World, so if you ever want to go out and be awesome, you know where you can find people who like to go out and be awesome as well. For people who want to have a mind blowingly awesome time, and have a story to tell for the rest of your life, just ask me, and my services will be out for hire as long as you remember the situations you are in at times could be considered life threatening to a certain degree. All the same it will make a great story.

Now some of the important rules to live by in Awesome World to maintain a steady citizenship. I, of course, will hold myself and maintain a higher standard.

Rule 1: A suit must be owned, look good and worn out at a minimum of once a month, there is no max.
Rule 2: Knowledge of the game of blackjack must be there, a cheat sheet is allowed.
Rule 3: When drinking, at least twice a month you must order a drink that would be of awesome caliber. Like champagne, scotch, or mojitos.
Rule 4: When addressing me, my title is King Johnny the Great, Johnny the Magnificent, or my preferred title of choice...Captain Awesome.
Rule 5: Drug use is permitted on a rare and random occurrence. Frequent use or addiction could lead to a ban from Awesome World or suspension of the usage of the word awesome. Drugs don't make you awesome, just stupid.
Rule 6: You must be able to quote Neil Patrick Harris lines, but only when the time is right.
Rule 7: You must have multiple types of 'High Fives' in your repertoire.
Rule 8: Porn must not disgust you, this can also apply to gentleman's clubs.
Rule 9: You cannot take a girl if your story involves wedding crashing.
Rule 10: At least once a year you must visit a gentleman's club and purchase bottle service, bachelor parties will count. Women are exempt, but have to at least attend once a year with a guy friend, or know a girl who 'entertains.'
Rule 11: There is no 'I' in team.
Rule 12: A wingman is doing a job not a favor, his services must have compensation. Like banging the ugly and/or fat friend. Drinks on you for the week, straight up cash, or a returning of the favor within a span of 10 days.
Rule 13: When and if at all possible, pictures (or video) of someone you have been in bed with must be shared with all friends, and there must be a story to apply.
Rule 14: When telling stories of sexual conquests include all details.
Rule 15: Never be afraid to call a doctor in the case of bumps or rashes. General rule of thumb is the first time you encounter a partner use protection until you get a good chance to check out their situation. Once a thorough check has been done, just remember that pregnancy is not a good idea...not because I have anything against kids, but it generally leads to marraige.
Rule 16: Don't get married before 30, unless you break rule 15.
Rule 17: Do not lie about your number. Penetration (including just the tip) count. Oral and hand jobs do not count.
Rule 18: Always know the laws and customs of the location of where you are being awesome, though occasional jail time makes a story that much more awesome.
Rule 19: If you do indeed hear the words 'No,' always remember that no means no.
Rule 20: Tip well. waitresses, stippers, casino staff, bartenders, etc. all work very hard and deserve a bit extra.
Rule 21: Don't obsess over the appearance of the person you may hook up with. Everyone knows the most awesome stories are ones that involve hooking up with someone of a plus size, and the many scenarios that occur.
Rule 22: Women if you wear a skirt or a shirt that is revealing, you cannot be offended if I, or another person who has obtained citizenship in Awesome World ask for a few candid looks at your sweater puppies or bum. Men, if in case you do this, tipping applies.
Rule 23: If another citizen of Awesome World invites you to a sporting event, you owe a minimum of 2 beers and a maximum of 4 (depending on game, like playoffs etc.) to said person. If they are not Awesome World citizens, enjoy the free game.
Rule 24: If you break one of the rules, you must submit a notice of rule breakage and the circumstances to Captain Awesome to avoid an automatic suspension. Cases will be heard on a case to case basis.
Rule 25: There a certain events in which a suit is required: Weddings, bachelor parties, new year's eve, birthday parties at classy gentleman's clubs (full nude BYOB clubs only have a requiement of slacks), and when you are going out looking to get an awesome story with Captain Awesome. Women when it comes to clothing, suiting up is allowed, just not pant suits. Dress suits are acceptable. If you don't dress suit up then you must wear something that makes you look awesome.
Rule 26: Magic is a plus in any situation.
Rule 27: If you must wear a hat, foward and backward are all that is allowed. To the side or even crooked is not allowed unless you are a hard throwing left handed pitcher. Fedoras are the hat of choice.
Rule 28: If I am stuck on a borderline case of awesomeness, a panel of Awesome World citizens will be assembled to review the case and make a vote. While I have the final say, the decision out of that assembly will be final.
Rule 29: You are not too good for anyone. Whether you are male or female you do not treat someone with disrespect if they approach you for an awesome time. Be honest and respectful to them, and remember, they can be discreet. This rule applies doubly for any interaction between Awesome World citizens.
Rule 30: Never don't be awesome. If you are out, you are obligated to attempt to be awesome. The only exception is if you are getting married before 30 (minus the bachelor party), funerals, and fatal injuries.

Alright, I am going to have to stop with the rules there. I am actually a little exhausted from thinking of those rules and typing. If I do add more, or think of something better, I will add an addendum to this blog. Once you have gained citizenship, you are allowed to make suggestions for new rules as well as any changes that you feel will make it a better place for all citizens, not just yourself. Anyway, once this blog is posted, leave on the comment board why you should be allowed citizenship. I will make edits to the blog to build our list of approved applicants so that everyone knows who is an Awesomite. I hope you have enjoyed this post, and I hope for a lot of interaction on this blog. Thank you for your time.
J.J. Lanzilo, IV aka 'Captain Awesome'

At the time of this posting:
Johnny 'Captain Awesome' Lanzillo
Trevor Seaman

Temporary Visa:
Drew R. Farmer (Expires 3/18/09)

A New Blog Location...

In an attempt to expand upon readers my undying knowledge of all things awesome, I have decided to create this blog. To start things out, well I'm writing this first blog...but in all actuality, I will be posting some of my previous written blogs located on my awesome MySpace page (
My goals for this blog are to enlighten the world with my infinite wisdom in many important aspects of life and to share my experiences with you. I would hope that my readers want to interact with me as well. This blog will hit on many subjects of great importance including: Sports (and sports betting), Blackjack, Cigars, Suits, Tipping, the Economy, Strippers, Elections, Poker, Racism, Horse Racing, Video Games, Tattoos, Religion, Beards, and Being Awesome.
As you can tell, all of the topics posted are generally things that you can't get through life without having a truly defining blog to learn more on these topics. That is why I am here. There will be a mailbag section that if I receive emails from readers in which I will use the blog to answer questions that you may have. These blogs are written from my desk in Awesome World (blog to come, or see myspace blog) of which I am King.
Furthermore I want everyone here to know that I care about each and everyone of you, and it is my single goal to make you more awesome in this world in which people are trying to outlaw awesomeness. If you have questions feel free to email me anytime at Take care and have a good day.
J.J. "Captain Awesome" Lanzillo, IV